Act III
Scene I.—A room in the Windmill Tavern. Well-Bred, Bobadill, Matthew. Enter Young Knowell with Stephen.
Well-Bred: Ned Knowell! By my soul, welcome!
(Lower) Sirrah, there be the two I writ of. But what strange piece of silence is this? The sign of the Dumb Man?
Knowell: Oh, sir, a kinsman of mine; he has his humour, sir.
Stephen: My name is Master Stephen, sir; I am this gentleman's own cousin, sir; I am somewhat melancholy, but you shall command me.
Matthew: Oh, it's your only fine humour, sir. Your true melancholy breeds your perfect fine wit. I am melancholy myself, divers times, and then I do no more but take pen and paper presently, and overflow you half a score or a dozen of fine sonnets at a sitting.
Well-Bred: Captain Bobadill, why muse you so?
Knowell: He is melancholy, too.
Bobadill: Why, sir, I was thinking of a most honourable piece of service was performed at the beleaguering of Strigonium; the first but the best leaguer that ever I beheld with these eyes. Look you, sir, by St. George, I was the first man that entered the breach; and had I not effected it with resolution, I had been slain if I had had a million of lives. Observe me judicially, sweet sir. They had planted me three demiculvirins just in the mouth of the breach, but I, with these single arms, my poor rapier, ran violently upon the Moors, and put 'em pell-mell to the sword.
[Enter Brain-Worm, who discloses himself apart, to Knowell and Well-Bred, and reports that Old Knowell is awaiting his return at Justice Clement's house. Exeunt.
Scene II.—At Kitely's. Kitely has gone to Justice Clement's; very anxious about his wife and sister, he has ordered Cash to send him a messenger if Well-Bred comes home with any of his boon-companions. Enter to Cash, Well-Bred, with the party as in the last scene.
Well-Bred: Whither went your master, Thomas, canst thou tell?
Cash: I know not; to Justice Clement's, I think, sir.
[Exit.
Knowell: Justice Clement! What's he?
Well-Bred: Why, dost thou not know him? He is a city magistrate, a justice here, an excellent good lawyer and a great scholar; but the only mad merry old fellow in Europe.
[Enter Cash.
Bobadill: Master Kitely's man, pray thee vouchsafe us the lighting of this match. (Cash takes match, and exits) 'Tis your right, Trinidado. Did you never take any, Master Stephen?
Stephen: No, truly, sir, but I'll learn to take it now, since you commend it so.
Bobadill: Sir, I have been in the Indies where this herb grows; where neither myself nor a dozen gentlemen more of my knowledge have received the taste of any other nutriment in the world for the space of one and twenty weeks, but the fume of this simple only. By Hercules, I do hold it, and will affirm it, before any prince in Europe, to be the most sovereign and precious weed that ever the earth tendered to the use of man.
[Cob has entered meanwhile.
Cob: Mack, I marvel what pleasure they have in taking this roguish tobacco. It's good for nothing but to choke a man, and fill him full of smoke and embers. And there were no wiser men than I, I'd have it present whipping, man or woman, that should but deal with a tobacco pipe.
[Bobadill cudgels him. Enter Cash, who drags off the lamenting Cob. While the rest are conversing, Matthew and Bobadill slip out.
Well-Bred: Soft, where's Master Matthew? Gone?
Brain-Worm: No, sir, they went in here.
Well-Bred: Oh, let's follow them. Master Matthew is gone to salute his mistress in verse. We shall have the happiness to hear some of his poetry now. He never comes impoverished.
[Exeunt.
Scene III.—Justice Clement's. Cob finds Kitely and reports the arrival of Well-Bred's party. Kitely hurries home in a panic. Enter Clement with Old Knowell and Formal.
Clement (to Cob): How now, sirrah? What make you here?
Cob: A poor neighbour of your worship, come to crave the peace of your worship; a warrant for one that has wronged me, sir; an I die within a twelvemonth and a day, I may swear by the law of the land that he killed me.
Clement: How, knave? What colour hast thou for that?
Cob: Both black and blue, an't please your worship; colour enough, I warrant you. [Baring his arm.
Clement: How began the quarrel between you?
Cob: Marry indeed, an't please your worship, only because I spake against their vagrant tobacco; for nothing else.
Clement: Ha! You speak against tobacco. Your name?
Cob: Cob, sir, Oliver Cob.
Clement: Then, Oliver Cob, you shall go to jail.
Cob: Oh, I beseech your worship, for heaven's sake, dear master justice!
Clement: He shall not go; I did but fear the knave. Formal, give him his warrant. (Exeunt Formal and Cob) How now, Master Knowell, in dumps? Your cares are nothing. What! Your son is old enough to govern himself; let him run his course.
Act IV
Scene I.—At Kitely's. Dame Kitely and Down-Right, who, to his sister's great indignation, is reproving her for admitting Well-Bred's companions. Enter Bridget, Matthew, and Bobadill; Well-Bred, Stephen, Young Knowell, and Brain-Worm at the back.
Bridget: Servant, in truth, you are too prodigal
Of your wit's treasure thus to pour it forth
Upon so mean a subject as my worth.
What is this same, I pray you?
Matthew: Marry, an elegy, an elegy, an odd toy.
I'll read it if you please.
[Exit Down-Right, disgusted. The rest listen to Matthew's "elegy," consisting of scraps from Marlowe. As Down-Right re-enters, fuming, Well-Bred is beginning to chaff Matthew. Down-Right interrupts with an attack on the whole company, and threatens to slit Bobadill's ears. Swords are drawn all round, and Knowell is endeavouring to calm the disturbance, when Kitely enters.
Well-Bred: Come, let's go. This is one of my brother's ancient humours, this.
Stephen: I am glad nobody was hurt by his "ancient humour."
[Exeunt all but they of the house. Bridget and Dame Kitely praise the conduct of Knowell, whereupon Kitely conceives that he must be Dame Kitely's lover.
Scene II.—The Old Jewry. Well-Bred has agreed with Knowell to persuade Bridget to meet him at the Tower so that they may be married. Brain-Worm has been despatched to carry out other details of the plot. Meeting Old Knowell with Formal he reports that (as Fitzsword) his connection with OLD Knowell has been discovered; that he has escaped with difficulty from Young Knowell, and that the father had better hasten to Cob's house to catch his son in flagrante delicto. He then goes off with Formal. Enter Bobadill, Young Knowell, Matthew, and Stephen.
Bobadill: I will tell you, sir, by way of private; were I known to her majesty, I would undertake to save three parts of her yearly charge in holding war. Thus, sir, I would select nineteen more gentlemen of good spirit; and I would teach the special rules, your punto, your reverso, your staccato, till they could all play very near as well as myself. We twenty would come into the field, and we would challenge twenty of the enemy; kill them, challenge twenty more; kill them, and thus kill every man his twenty a day, that's twenty score; twenty score, that's two hundred; five days a thousand, two hundred days kills forty thousand.
[Enter Down-Right, who challenges Bobadill to draw on the spot, and cudgels him while Matthew runs away, to Knowell's enjoyment. Exeunt all. Well-Bred makes the proposed arrangement with Bridget. Brain-Worm, who has stolen Formal's clothes, tricks Kitely and Dame Kitely severally into hurrying off to Cob's house to catch each other in misdoing. Then, meeting Bobadill and Matthew he engages to procure them a warrant against Down-Right, and a sergeant to serve it. Old Knowell, Kitely, and Dame Kitely attended by Cash, meet outside Cob's house, each with their own suspicions; there is a general altercation, while TIB refuses to admit any of them.
Scene III.—A street. Brain-Worm, who has exchanged Formal's clothes for a sergeant's attire. Enter Matthew and Bobadill.
Matthew: 'Save you, friend. Are you not here by appointment of Justice Clement's man?
Brain-Worm: Yes, an't please you, sir; with a warrant to be served on one Down-right.
[Enter Stephen, wearing Down-Right's cloak, which he had picked up in the scrimmage. As they are arresting him, Down-Right enters. He submits to arrest, but has Stephen arrested for wearing his cloak. The whole party marches off to Justice Clement's.