NUTS TO CRACK
CRAZY LOGIC
1. Can you prove, by what we may call crazy logic, that madman is equal to madam?
A BIT OF BOTANY
2. A rat with its teeth in the webbed feet of its prey was what the squirrel saw one summer’s day, when he ran down from the tree-tops for a cool drink in the pond below his nest. Can you find out from this the name of the water-plant that was floating in the shade?
SIX SUNKEN ISLANDS
3. He set down the answer to that sum at random.
By bold policy Prussia became a leading power.
A great taste for mosaic has arisen lately.
The glad news was swiftly borne over England.
At dusk, year after year, the old man rambled home.
The children cried, hearing such dismal tales.
In each of these lines the name of an island is buried.
BURIED GEOGRAPHICAL NAMES
4. We could hide a light royal boat with a man or two; the skipper, though, came to a bad end.
In this short sentence seven geographical names are buried, formed by consecutive letters, which are parts always of more than one word. Can you dig them out?
A TRANSPOSITION
5. What can you make of this? The letters are jumbled, but the words are in due order.
Eltsheothwoedlaniscimtyyesrmh
Tsihptsnrtoniaisoetcra;
Ndaothetdandartssdensitemeb
Ehcatreeltnisitlpace.
6
ALL IN A ROW
Three little articles all in a line
Lead to a thousand, expressing,
If with another all these you combine
What can be never a blessing.
7
ASK A POLICEMAN
Ask a policeman, possibly he knows,
In uniformed array.
If not, an added letter plainly shows
How little he can say.
8
RULING LETTERS
We rule the world, we letters five,
We rule the world, we do;
And of our number three contrive
To rule the other two.
MIND YOUR STOPS
9. How would you punctuate the following sentence?
Maud like the pretty girl that she was went for a walk in the meadows.
10. ANSWER BY ECHO
What were they who paid three guineas
To hear a tune of Paganini’s?
11. BREAKING A RECORD
Only eight different letters are used in the construction of this verse:—
Sad as the saddest end is his,
He hath insensate died.
He sinned, and that his Satan is
That standeth at his side.
Wishing to break this record, we have put together a rhyming verse of similar length, in which only five letters are used. They are these:
(18 times) eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
(20 times) nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.
(18 times) tttttttttttttttttt.
(16 times) iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
(15 times) sssssssssssssss.
12. A CATCH SENTENCE
If is is not is and is not is is what is it is not is and what is it is is not if is not is is? Can you punctuate this so that it has meaning?
13. CATCHING A HINT
Passing one day by train through a station I caught sight of two words upon a large advertisement, which seemed cut out for puzzle purposes; and before long I had framed the following riddle:
Bisect my first, transpose its first half, and between this and its second half insert what remains if you take my second from my first. The result is as good to eat as my first and second are to drink.
14. IS IT GRAMMAR?
It is difficult at first sight to grasp the meaning of this apparently simple sentence:—“Time flies you cannot they pass at such irregular intervals.” How does it read?
15. ROYAL MEMORIES
In Queen Victoria’s Jubilee year I went to the South Kensington Museum. As I entered, looking at my watch, I thought of the good Queen. After some hours of quiet enjoyment I came away, again looking at my watch, and was reminded that the Prince Consort was not alive to share the Jubilee joys. At what time, and for how long was I in the Museum?
16. A SEASONABLE MOTTO
CCC SAW
17. AN OLD LATIN LEGEND
AMANS TAM ERAT
HI DESINT HERO
AD DIGITO UT MANDO
What is the interpretation?
18. THINGS ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM
Does the following statement imply that there is a curative virtue in rose-coloured rays?
“I know that roseate hues preserve.”
19. DOCTOR FELL
“Keep the patients warm and quiet;
Solids are not well;
Let all sops be now their diet,”
So said Doctor Fell.
To what objection was this diet open?
20. DISLOCATED WORDS
These thirty-six letters form an English sentence:—
SAR BAB SAR BAB SAR BAB
SAR BAB SAR BAB SAR ARA
What can it be?
21. BROAD WILTSHIRE
“Igineyvartydreevriswutts.”
Can you interpret this sentence, spoken by a sturdy farmer in the corn market?
22. FIND A RHYME
Try to find a rhyme to Chrysanthemum.
23. ABOUT THE EGGS
Did you hear that pathetic tale of the three eggs?
24. AN ANCIENT LEGEND
Doun tooth ers
A sy
Ouw ould bed
One by.
25. A FAMILY PARTY
HERE LIE
Two grandmothers, and their two granddaughters;
Two husbands, and their two wives;
Two fathers, and their two daughters;
Two mothers, and their two sons;
Two maidens, and their two mothers;
Two sisters, and their two brothers;
Yet but —— in all lie buried here.
How many does the —— represent?
26. A SIMPLE CHARM
A superstitious couple in the country who heard mysterious noises at night in their house, sought the advice of a “wise woman” in the neighbourhood. She gave them on paper the following charm, which would, she assured them, counteract their evil star, and solve the mystery:—
ground
turn evil star.
What was its significance?
27. MADE IN FRANCE
We are five varied vowels of foreign sound,
Supported by one consonant between us.
Three letters now in four, where may be found
Another trio, quite a silly genus.
28. A PARADOX
What in his mind no man can find
Four symbols will display;
But only one remains behind
If one we take away.
29. THE BARBER’S JOKE
A barber placed prominently in his window the following notice:—
What do you think
I will shave you for nothing and give you a drink.
Attracted by this, a man went into the shop, and was shaved, but instead of receiving any liquid refreshment, he was surprised by a demand for the usual payment.
What was the barber’s explanation?
30. A FLIGHT OF FANCY
GENUI NE JAM
A
ICARUM.
This label, said to have been found among the ruins of old Rome, seems to bear a very early reference to the birth of Icarus, the flying man; or perhaps to some flying machine named after him, but not yet perfected. Can this be so?
31. A SPELL
Two c’s, an h, an n, a p,
Three a’s, a u, an i, an e,
Tell us what English word are we?
32. JOHNSON’S CAT
Johnson’s cat went up a tree,
Which was sixty feet and three;
Every day she climbed eleven,
Every night she came down seven.
Tell me, if she did not drop,
When her paws would touch the top.
33. THE EXPANDING NINES
Some of us may perhaps remember Titania’s promise to Bottom in A Midsummer Night’s Dream:
“I have a venturous fairy, that shall seek
The squirrel’s hoard, and fetch thee new nuts.”
Here is a little puzzle so fresh and curious that it will tempt the fancy of those who find it added to our hoard:
A third of six behind them fix,
A third of six before;
Thus make two nines, when all combines,
Exactly fifty-four.
34. ACROSS THE MOAT
Form a square with four matches. Outside this, at an equal distance all round, form another square with twelve matches, just so far away that the space between them cannot be spanned by a match. With two matches only, form a firm bridge from the outer to the inner square.
35. IS IT BANTING?
We start when the ninth hour is past,
Then there’s an end of you.
A vengeful goddess shows at last
What antifat will do.
36. QUITE A FAMILY PARTY
The telephone-bell roused Mrs P.W. from her after-luncheon nap, and her husband’s voice came to her ears, from his office in the city:—“I am bringing home to dinner my father’s brother-in-law, my brother’s father-in-law, my father-in-law’s brother, and my brother-in-law’s father.”
“Right!” she replied, knowing his quaint ways, “I shall be prepared.” For how many guests did she provide?
37. THE WILY WAYFARER
“Give me as much money as I have in my hand,” said Will Slimly to the landlord of a country inn, “and I will spend sixpence with you.” This was done, and repeated twice with the cash that was still in hand, and then the traveller was penniless. How much had he at first, and how much did the landlord contribute to Will’s refreshment?
38. A CLEVER CONSTRUCTION
How can four triangles of equal size be formed with six similar matches?
39. A KNOTTY POINT
When first the marriage knot was tied
Between my wife and me,
My age as oft repeated hers
As three times three does three;
But when ten years and half ten years
We man and wife had been,
Her age came then as near to mine
As eight does to sixteen.
What age was hers, what age was mine,
When we were wed, from this divine.
40. A DIVISION SUM
“Take this half-crown,” said the vicar at a village festival, “and divide it equally between those two fathers and their two sons, but give nothing of less value than a penny to either of them.”
The schoolboy, who was a sharp lad, changed the half-crown, and divided it equally among them. How was this possible?
41. A CROOKED ANSWER
Tom (yawning) to Nell—“I wish we could play lawn-tennis!”
Nell (annoyed).—“Odioso ni mus rem. Moto ima os illud nam?”
Can you make head or tail, in Latin or in English, of her reply?
42. THE PEELER’S SMILE
Two policemen stood behind a hedge, watching for motor-car scorchers. One looked up the road, the other looked down it, so as to command both directions.
“Bill,” said one, without turning his head, “what are you smiling at?” How could he tell that his mate was smiling?
43. THE NIMBLE NINES
Twenty-seven with three nines
You and I can score;
Anyone one on other lines
Can extend them more.
Who can write them to be seen
Equal only to sixteen?
44. A TRYING SENTENCE
That that is is that that is not is not is not that it it is.
45. SHORT AND SWEET
What is this?
ALLO.
46. SUPPLY THE CONSONANTS
An English Proverb
ieaoaaaeaai
47. IT LOOKS BLACK
| | | | | | | | | | | | |
Add thirteen more strokes, and make—what?
48. THE CORONER’S CHOICE
Can a coroner, after signing his name, write his official position in more ways than one?
HOW MANY PIPS?
Here is a good and simple card trick. Ask anyone to choose three cards from a pack, and to place them face downwards on the table. Then, beginning to count with the number of pips on each card laid down, let him place other cards upon these, one heap at a time, until in every case he counts up to 15, adding mentally 1 as he places down each card.
When he has completed the three heaps, take from him the remaining cards, and count them. Their number, less 4, will always be the number of pips on the three chosen cards. An ace counts 11, and a court card 10.
Thus, if he has chosen a 7, a 10, and an ace (11), he must cap these with 8, 5, and 4 cards respectively. There will then be 32 cards left, and 32 - 4 = 28, which is the sum of 7, 10, and 11.
ROUND THE MONKEY
Now for a few words about an old friend, familiar to most of us. If a monkey sits on a post holding one end of a string, and continually moves to face a man who holds the other end, and who walks round the post, does that man walk round the monkey?
R. A. Proctor, the astronomer, treated the question thus, some years ago in Knowledge:—“In what way does going round a thing imply seeing every side of it? Suppose a man shut his eyes, would that make any difference? Or suppose the man stood still, and the monkey turned round, so as to show the man its front and back, would the stationary man have gone round the monkey?”
We commend this ancient and puzzling subject of controversy to our readers. Our own opinion is that the man does walk round the monkey, in the commonly accepted meaning of the words, but “who shall decide when doctors disagree?”
BURIED ANIMALS
Here are a few cleverly buried animals:
“Come hither, mine friend,” said the monk, eyeing him kindly, “be a very good boy, step through the furze bravely, and seek the lost riches.”
Ermine; monkey; beaver; zebra; ostrich.
We, as electricians, proclaim the electric motor cab a boon to London.
Weasel; baboon.
QUESTIONS WELL ANSWERED
What could not the cruet stand?
Seeing an apostle spoon.
Why did the barmaid champagne?
Because the stout porter bitter.
A TABLE OF AFFINITY
When it was reported that M. de Lesseps and his son were to marry sisters, the Rappel suggested these possible complications. Lesseps the younger will be his father’s brother-in-law, and his wife will be her own sister’s sister-in-law.
If Lesseps the elder has a son, and Lesseps the younger has a daughter, and these marry, then the daughter of Lesseps the younger will be her father’s sister-in-law, and the son of Lesseps the elder will be the son-in-law of his brother. The son of the second marriage will have two grandfathers, Lesseps the elder and the younger, so that old Lesseps will become his own son’s brother.
MARY QUITE CONTRARY
Mary had a little lamb,
With feet as black as soot;
And into Mary’s bread and milk
He put his little foot.
Now Mary was an honest girl,
And scorned a hollow sham;
So the one word that Mary said
Was mother to the lamb!
MACARONIC VERSE
Latin
“Is acer,” sed jacto his mas ter at te,
“Cantu passus sum jam?” “Notabit,” anser de;
“Mi jam potis empti, solis tento me,
For uva da lotas i vere vel se!”
English
“I say, sir,” said Jack to his master at tea,
“Can’t you pass us some jam?” “Not a bit,” answered he,
“My jam pot is empty, so listen to me,
For you’ve had a lot as I very well see!”
HAM SANDWICHES
We most of us know the good old double-barrelled riddle, “Why need we never starve in the desert?” “Because of the sand which is there.” “How did the sandwiches get there?” “Ham settled there, and his descendants bred and mustered.” This clever metrical solution is by Archbishop Whately:—
A traveller o’er the desert wild
Should ne’er let want confound him,
For he at any time can eat
The sand which is around him.
It might seem strange that he should find
Such palatable fare,
Did we not know the sons of Ham
Were bred and mustered there.
A GOOD MOTTO
We know that Latin motto, with its clever double meaning, suggested for a retired tobacconist, “Quid rides”—why do you smile?—or quid rides. Here is another, proposed many years ago, for a doctor of indifferent repute:—
Take some device in your own way,
Neither too solemn, nor too gay;
Three ducks suppose, white, grey, and black,
And let your motto be “Quack! Quack!”
ON ONE NOTT
There was a man who was Nott born,
His sire was Nott before him;
He did Nott live, he did Nott die,
His tombstone was Nott o’er him.
ON JOHN SO
So died John So,
So, so, did he so?
So did he live, and So did he die,
So, so, did he so?
So let him lie!
STRANGE SIGHTS
The importance of proper punctuation is very happily illustrated by the following lines:—
I saw a peacock with a fiery tail
I saw a blazing comet pour down hail
I saw a cloud enwrapped with ivy round
I saw an oak tree swallow up a whale
I saw the boundless sea brimful of ale
I saw a Venice glass fifteen feet deep
I saw a well full of mens’ tears that weep
I saw wet eyes among the things that I saw
Were no sore eyes nor any other eye-sore.
A QUAINT INSCRIPTION
There is a curiously constructed inscription over the door of the cloister of the Convent of the Carmelites at Caen, which runs thus:—
| D | di | Si | scap | ac | ab as | ||||||
| um | vus | mon | ulare | cepit | tris. | ||||||
| T | sæ | Dæ | ul | in | in an |
The lines are in honour of one Simon Stock of that order, and they may be freely rendered:—
| W | ho | Si | first beg | pr | |||||
| hen | ly | mon | an his | eaching. | |||||
| T | wi | De | howled to sc | t |
NONSENSE VERSE
IMPROMPTU, BY AN OLD DIVINE
If down his throat a man should choose
In fun to jump or slide,
He’d scrape his shoes against his teeth,
Nor soil his own inside.
Or if his teeth were lost and gone,
And not a stump to scrape upon,
He’d see at once how very pat
His tongue lay there by way of mat,
And he would wipe his feet on that!
EDGAR POE’S RIDDLE
Edgar A. Poe addressed the following puzzle-valentine to a lady, adding, “You will not read the riddle, though you do the best you can do:”—
For her this rhyme is penned whose luminous eyes,
Brightly expressive as the twins of Leda,
Shall find her own sweet name, that nestling lies
Upon the page, enwrapped from every reader.
Search narrowly the lines—they hold a treasure
Divine—a talisman—an amulet
That must be worn at heart. Search well the measure.
The first letter of the first line, the second of the second, the third of the third, and so on spell the lady’s name—Frances.
AN ILLUSION OF TYPE
A curious optical illusion is illustrated by printing a row of ordinary capital letters and figures which are symmetrical, thus:—
SSSSSXXXXX3333388888
If we glance at them casually it does not strike us that their upper parts are smaller than the lower, but if we turn the paper upside down we are at once surprised to see how marked the difference really is.
AN EXCHANGE OF COMPLIMENTS
At a tavern one night
Messrs More, Strange, and Wright
Met, good cheer and good thoughts to exchange.
Says More, “Of us three
The whole town will agree
There is only one knave, and that’s Strange!”
“Yes,” says Strange, rather sore,
“I’m sure there’s one More,
A most terrible knave, and a bite,
Who cheated his mother,
His sister, and brother.”
“Oh yes,” replied More, “that is Wright!”
ΗΚΙΣΤΑ ΛΙΨ
HE KISSED HER LIPS
(According to the daily Press, a good old-fashioned kiss lately lost favour in some quarters.)
Though a billiard player’s miss
Cannot meet or make a kiss;
Though a modern school of misses
Be not in the cue for kisses;
Chloe’s lips are not amiss,
Kismet! I have met a kiss.
QUESTIONS WELL ANSWERED
We must not fail to register these two Questions Well Answered, which it is hard to match for excellence:—
Q.—Why did the fly fly?
A.—Because the spider spied her!
And
Q.—Why did the lobster blush?
A.—Because it saw the salad dressing!
The following puzzling lines were the outburst of the wanton wit of a lover, in his effort to play off one lady against another, and so retain two strings to his bow:—
I don’t want the one that I don’t want to know
That I want the one that I want;
But the one that I do want wants me to go
And give up the one I don’t want.
Why I don’t want the one that I don’t want to know
That I want the one that I want,
Is because, if the one that I want can’t be so,
I shall want the one I don’t want.
Charles Lamb was responsible for the following ingenious perversion of words, when the Whig associates of the Prince Regent were sore at not obtaining office:—
Ye politicians tell me pray
Why thus with woe and care rent?
This is the worst that you can say,
Some wind has blown the wig away,
And left the hair apparent!
We may assume that this was the germ of the riddle “What is the difference between the Prince of Wales, a bald-headed man, and a monkey?” One is the heir-apparent, the second has no hair apparent, and the third is a hairy parent.
GRAMMAR OF A SORT
When is whiskey an adverb?
When it qualifies water.
When does a cow become a pronoun?
When it stands for Mary.
Can the conjunction “and” be used otherwise than as a connecting link?
Yes, as in the puzzle sentence, “It was and I said not or,” which, if no comma is placed after “said,” no one can read easily at sight.
A TONGUE TWISTER
The tragedy “William Tell” was to be played many years ago at the old Drury Lane Theatre, and an actor, familiarly known as Will, asked the exponent of the part of Tell, on the eve of its production, whether he thought the play would tell with the critics and the public.
The following question and answer passed between them, in which only two different words were used, in an intelligible sequence of twenty-five words:—
Will.—“The question has arisen Tell, ‘will Will Tell tell?’ Will Tell tell Will ‘will Will Tell tell?’”
Tell.—“Tell will tell Will ‘will Will Tell tell?’ ‘Will Tell will tell!’”
THE LADY AND THE TIGER
Many of our readers will enjoy this very clever rendering of a well-known Limerick:—
There was a young lady of Riga,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger!
Puella Rigensis ridebat,
Quam tigris in tergo vehebat;
Externa profecta,
Interna revecta,
Sed risus cum tigre manebat!
ANOTHER TONGUE TWISTER
Six sieves of sifted thistles,
Six sieves of unsifted thistles,
And six thistle sifters.
To be repeated six times rapidly and articulately.
NOVEL DEFINITION OF A MAN’S HAT
Darkness that may be felt.
IS IT LATIN?
The following cryptic notice was posted recently on the green baize notice-board of a West-End Club:—
O nec ango in ab illi
Ardor pyram id contestata
Potor ac an non.
Si deis puto nat times
Ora res tu sed.
For some time its message was a mystery, until the sharp eyes of a member deciphered in what seemed to be real Latin, and was made up of Latin words, this English sentence, appropriate to the place:—“One can go in a billiard or pyramid contest at a pot or a cannon. Side is put on at times, or a rest used.”
FOR THE CHILDREN
A QUESTION
How much wood would a wood-chuck chuck,
If a wood-chuck could chuck wood?
THE REPLY
The wood that a wood-chuck would chuck
Is the wood that a wood chuck could chuck,
If the wood-chuck that could chuck would chuck,
Or a wood-chuck could chuck wood!
A QUAINT CONCEIT
The Capitol was saved of old
By geese with noisy bill;
More sage than silly, birds so bold
Should have a mission still.
Time was when roving on the loose,
A goose would raise my dander;
But now I feel each proper goose
Should have her propaganda!
A LACK OF HOPS!
A man fond of his joke, and speaking of Lenten fare to a friend in a letter, wrote:—
I had a fish
In a dish
From an Archbish——
leaving it to his ingenuity to complete the broken line. The reply was a clever solution to the puzzle:—
I had a fish
In a dish
From an Archbish——
’Op is not here
For he gave me no beer!
FOR THE CHILDREN
The following simple calculation will be amusing to children:—If an even number of coins or sweets are held in one hand, and an odd number in the other, let the holder multiply those in the right hand by 2, and those in the left hand by 3, and add together the two results. If this is an even quantity the coins or sweets in the right hand are even, and in the left odd; if it is odd the contrary is the case.
PETER PIPER’S WIFE
(To be read or said rapidly.)
Betty bit a bit o’ butter,
Bitter bit!
But a better bit o’ butter
Betty bit!
PHONETIC VERSE
“A haunt each mermaid knows”
Eh horn teach myrrh made nose,
Buy seize wear awl groat ales;
Hear chilled wrens port inn rose,
Seek your gain steals oar wails.
Sum son there yell oh hare,
Sums whim threw sigh leant baize;
Sow form sand fay says fare
Shy never knight sand daze.
PORSON’S EPIGRAM
Porson wrote a Latin epigram on a Fellow of one of the Colleges who always pronounced the a of Euphrates short. This was wittily translated thus:—
With fear on the Euphrates shore
The wild waves made him shiver.
But he thought to pass more quickly o’er,
So he abridged—the river!
ALL THE ALPHABET
All the letters of the alphabet are used in these lines, which have such an easy flow:—
“God gives the grazing ox his meat,
And quickly hears the sheep’s, low cry.
But man, who tastes his finest wheat,
Should joy to lift His praises high.”
A FRENCH TONGUE TWISTER
A French mother, as she gives to her child a cup of tea to allay its cough, says:—
“Ton thé t’a-t-il oté ta toux?”
(Thy tea, has it removed thy cough?)
This sentence, repeated rapidly, is warranted to tire the nimblest tongue.
QUEER QUESTIONS AND QUAINT REPLIES
Why does the cannon ball?
Because the Vickers Maxim
(the vicar smacks him!)
Why is the river Itchen?
Because there is a current in its bed.
WAS IT SCANDAL?
Dick and Harry meet in a dim hotel passage:—
Dick.—Did you hear that story about No. 288?
Harry (all ears).—No; what was it?
Dick.—Oh, it’s too gross, too gross entirely!
Harry.—Tell away. I’ll try to stand it.
Dick.—Well; 288 is two gross, isn’t it?
AN INCONSEQUENT ECHO
Byron in his “Bride of Abydos” is responsible for the following strangely inconsequent echo:—
Hark to the hurried question of Despair,
“Where is my child?” and Echo answers,
“Where?”
A well-conducted echo would assuredly have seconded the cry of Despair by repeating the final syllables “my child!”
AN APPROPRIATE ANSWER
Why did the Razorbill raise her bill?
To let the sea urchin see her chin!
CRICKET LATIN
Bene audax.
Well bowled!
MACARONIC VERSE
Here is a modern specimen of Macaronic verse:—
Luce metat ipse sutor
(Cantas Orci madentes!)
“Qua forum an empti putor
Potor tria quarto pes!”
Which reads into English thus:—
Lucy met a tipsy suitor
(Can’t a saucy maiden tease!)
“Quaff o’ rum an empty pewter
Pot, or try a quart o’ peas!”
MACARONIC PROSE
LATIN
Puris agem, suetis a sylva bella vi olet indue mos is pura sueta far, amar vel verre ex que sit.
ENGLISH READING
Pure is a gem, sweet is a silver bell, a violet in dewy moss is purer, sweeter far, a marvel very exquisite.
THE LONG AND THE SHORT OF IT
These quaint lines were once addressed to a very tall barrister, named Long, when he was briefless:—
“Longè longorum longissime, Longe, virorum,
Dic mihi, te quæso, num Breve quicquid habes?”
MOORE’S RIDDLE
Thomas Moore, the poet, is responsible for the following rude riddle, and its reply:—
Why is a pump like Viscount Castlereagh?
Because it is a slender thing of wood,
That up and down its awkward arms doth sway,
And coolly spout, and spout, and spout away,
In one weak, washy, everlasting flood!
BIGGAR AND BIGGER
Mrs Biggar had a baby. Which was the bigger? The baby was a little Biggar!
Which was the bigger, Mr Biggar or the baby? Mr Biggar was father Biggar!
Mr Biggar died; was the baby then bigger than Mrs Biggar? No, for the baby was fatherless!
MAGIC CARD SQUARE
Place the sixteen court cards from an ordinary pack in the form of a square, so arranged that no row, no column, and neither of the diagonals shall contain more than one card of each suit, and one of each rank.
As the solution presents no difficulty, but merely calls for patience and attention, we will leave it to the ingenuity of our readers.
THE ANNO DOMINI PUZZLE
A Scottish tradesman had made, as he supposed, about £4,000, but his old clerk produced a balance-sheet which plainly showed £6,000 to his credit. It came upon the old gentleman as quite a disappointing shock when presently the puzzle was solved by the discovery that in the addition the year of Our Lord had been taken into account!
A PUBLIC SINK
The following ingenious play upon words dates from the days when a promise was made that the Thames pollution should cease in five years:—
In shorter time, kind sir, contrive
To purify our drink;
For while your figure is a Five
Our river is a Cinq!
ENGLISH AS SHE IS SPOKE
“Mr Smith presents his compliments to Mr Brown, and I have got a hat that is not his, and he has got a hat that is not yours, so no doubt they are the expectant ones!”
PICKING FROM PUNCH
This play upon words appeared many years ago in the pages of Punch, and is worth preserving:—
To win the maid the poet tries,
And sonnets writes to Julia’s eyes.
She likes a verse, but, cruel whim,
She still remains averse to him.
FRENCH ALLITERATION
“Si six scies scient six cigares, six cent six scies scient six cent six cigares.”
To be said trippingly without a trip.
If 6 saws cut 6 cigars, 606 saws cut 606 cigars.
MIND YOUR STOPS!
Here is a good illustration of the nonsense that may easily result from the misuse of punctuation:—
Every lady in the land
Has twenty nails on each hand;
Five and twenty on hands and feet,
This is true without deceit.
A NOVEL DERIVATION
“Yes,” said an Eton captain of the boats to his uncle, the admiral, “I can quite believe that the British Jack Tar takes his name from that Latin verb, which is so suggestive of a life on the ocean wave, jactari, to be tossed about.”
AN AERATED BISHOP
A bishop of Sodor and Man found himself entered in the visitor’s book of a French hotel as “L’évêque du siphon et de l’homme!”
A HAPPY THOUGHT
They cannot be complete in aught
Who are not humourously prone;
A man without a merry thought
Can hardly have a funny bone.
OUGH!
Though the tough cough and hiccough
Make me hoarse,
Through life’s dark lough I plough
My patient course.
CUM GRANO SALIS
I know Eno, you know too,
Fact is we all three know.
We know Eno, he knows you.
You know I know Eno!
OLD AND SOUND ADVICE
Nicholas, 1828.
He who a watch would wear
This must he do;
Pocket his watch, and watch
His pocket too!
COLD-DRAWN CONCLUSIONS
Why is a lame dog like a blotting-pad?
A lame dog is a slow pup.
A slope up is an inclined plane.
An ink-lined plane is a blotting-pad!
THE LAST OF MARY
Mary had a little lamp,
Filled with benzoline;
Tried to light it at the fire,
Has not since benzine!
A BURIED WORD
It is difficult to imagine that the very incarnation of what is wild and forbidding is buried in those words of peace and promise, “On Christmas Eve you rang out Angel peals,” until we find in them the consecutive letters “ourangoutang!”
EVE’S APPLE
How many apples were eaten by Adam and Eve? We know that Eve 81, and that Adam 812, total 893. But Adam 8142 please his wife, and Eve 81242 please Adam, total 89,384. Then again Eve 814240 fy herself, and Adam 8124240 fy himself, total 8,938,480!
U C I D K
(You see I decay!)
“Surely, good sir, you follow me?
It is as plain as A B C.”
“Repeat it in a treble clef,
For I am rather D E F!”
BURIED BY ACCIDENT
Quite unconscious that he was burying a cat in his melodious lines Moore wrote:—
“How sweet the answer Echo makes
To music at night...!”
A LAWYER’S PROPOSAL
Fee simple and the simple fee,
And all the fees in tail,
Are nothing when compared with thee,
Thou best of fees, fe-male!
A BROAD GRIN
“Sesquipedalia verba,” words a foot and a half long, were condemned by Horace in his “Ars Poetica.” Had he known English, what would he have said of “smiles,” a word so long that there is a mile between its first and last letters?
SWISS HUMOUR
A Swiss lad asked me, as I stopped quite breathless on an Alpine height, “Do you prefer ‘monter’ to ‘descendre?’” I declared a preference for downhill, but he most convincingly replied, “I prefer ‘mon thé’ to ‘des cendres!’” (my tea to cinders).
QUESTIONS WELL ANSWERED
Why did the penny stamp?
Because the threepenny bit.
Why did the sausage roll?
Because it saw the apple turn-over.
MEN OF LETTERS
A budding author something new
Submitting, signed himself X Q.
The editor the essay read,
And begged he might be X Q Z!
PUZZLES ON THE PAVEMENT
An angry street arab, who seems to have caught the infection of our letter puzzles, was heard recently to call out to a gutter-snipe, “You are a fifty-one ar!” (LIAR.)
PHONETIC ANSWERS
Why may you pick an artist’s pocket?—Because he has pictures.
What is the solace for a mind deprest?—Deep rest.
A FLIGHT OF FANCY
There was a man from Yankeeland
Who round a walnut tree
Did run so fast—that lissome man—
His own back he could see!
BURNS IN SABOTS
“Guigne a beau de qui sabot de
Nid a beau de t’elle?”
DOG LATIN
Here are all the elements of a rat hunt, expressed in Latin words:—“Sit stillabit,” sed amanto hiscat, “sta redde, sum misi feror arat trito unda minus, solet me terna ferret in micat.” They read into English, if differently pointed, thus:—Sit still a bit, said a man to his cat, stay ready, some mice I fear, or a rat try to undermine us, so let me turn a ferret in, my cat.
EARLY RITUAL
It is said that at first Adam thought Eve angelical, but there came a time when they both took to vestments.
LEST WE FORGET
If a man says that he forgets what he does not wish to remember, does he mean to say that he does not remember what it is that he wishes to forget; or that he is able to forget that which he does not wish to remember?
QUAINT ANGLO-FRENCH QUESTION AND REPLY
Pas qu’il ma, ou qu’il pas?
Marwood!
SOME POPULAR DEFINITIONS
| Cricket. | Lawn Tennis. | Football. |
|---|---|---|
| Lords | Ladies | Legs |
| Stumps | Jumps | Bumps. |
REAL DOG LATIN
Pax in bello.
The dogs of war.
A QUAINT EPITAPH
Here in S X I lies.
Killed by X S I dies.
A PHONETIC REPLY
What is the French for teetotaler?—Thé tout à l’heure!
A FREE RENDERING
Varietas pro Rege.
Change for a sovereign!
A FREE TRANSLATION
“Splendide mendax.”
Lying in State.
A WORD AND A BLOW
When Dunlop, in playful mood, said that no one could make a good pun on his name, a smart bystander at once exclaimed, “Lop off the end, and the thing is done!”
DOG LATIN (FOR SCHOOLBOYS)
Mitte meos super omnes ad candam aut esse homines mortui.
The Dog Latin may be rendered thus: “Send my overalls to the tailor to be mended.”
HIS L. E. G.
Some printer’s devil must have been at work when the proof-reader found “The Legend of the Cid,” set up in type as “The leg end of the Kid!”