CHAPTER I.
Since my return from Frangistan, the current of my existence flowed more like the waters of a canal than those of a river. I have been allowed to smoke the pipe of tranquillity, rested upon the carpet of content; and as my duties, which principally consisted in standing before the king at stated times, and saying "Belli—Yes," and "Mashallah—Praise be to God!" at proper intervals, I could not complain of the weight of responsibility imposed upon me.
I lived in the smallest of houses, consisting of one room, a shoe closet, and a small court; also of a kitchen. My principal amusement was to sit in my room and look into my court-yard, and, as one must think, my thoughts frequently would run upon my travels, upon the strange things which I had seen, and upon the individuals with whom I had become acquainted. My heart would soften as it dwelt upon the charms of the moon-faced Bessy, and would rouse into anger when I reflected that she was possessed by the infidel Figsby, at a time that she might have been the head of the harem of a true believer. I frequently recalled to myself all the peculiarities of the strange nation with which I had lived, and compared it with my own. I brought to mind all its contrivances to be happy, its House of Commons and its House of Lords, its eternal quarrels, its cryings after "justice and no justice," and its dark climate. I read over my journals, and thus lived my life over again; but in proportion as years passed away, so I thought it right, in relating my adventures to my countrymen, to diminish the most wonderful parts of my narrative, for I found that, had I not done so, I should have been set down as the greatest liar in Persia. Truth cannot be told at all times,—that is a common saying; but now I found, in what regarded the Francs, that truth ought never to be told. When, on my return to Persia, I informed my countrymen that their men and women lived together promiscuously,—that everybody drank wine and ate pork,—that they never prayed,—that their kings danced, and that they had no harems, I was believed, because I had many to confirm what I said; but now that I stood alone, I found it would not do to venture such assertions, for whenever I did I was always told that such events might have taken place when I was in Frangistan, but that now Allah was great, and that the holy Prophet could not allow such abominations to exist.
The news of the death of the King of England, to whom I had been presented, had reached the ears of our Shah; and we were informed that he was succeeded by his brother, a lord of the sea. Years passed away, with all their various events, without much intercourse taking place between Persia and England. England required no longer the friendship of the Shah, and she therefore turned us over to the Governor of India, for which she duly received our maledictions; and every one who knew upon what a footing of intimacy the two nations had stood, said, as he spat upon the ground, "Pooh! may their house be ruined!" She left our country to be conquered, our finest provinces to be taken from us, and never once put her hand out to help us.
However, Allah buzurg est!—God is great! we soon found that the good fortune of the king of kings had not forsaken him. Rumours began to be spread abroad that affairs in England were in a bad way. Many foreigners had enlisted themselves in the Shah's troops, and from them we learned that, no doubt, ere long that country must be entirely ruined, for great dangers threatened their present king. He was said to have got into the possession of a certain rebellious tribe, whose ultimate aim was to set up a new sovereign, called 'People Shah,' and to depose him and his dynasty. We heard that great poverty reigned in that land, which I had known so rich and prosperous; and that every department in the state had been so reduced, that the king had not a house to live in, but that the nation was quarrelling about the expense of building him one.
We still had an English elchi at our court, but he enjoyed little or no consideration; and the news of the poverty of his country was confirmed to us by what we learnt from his secretaries. Orders, it seems, had just arrived from his court that every economy should be observed in his expenses; and one may suppose to what extent, when we are assured that, by way of saving official ink, it had been strictly prohibited to put dots to the I's, or strokes to the T's. Presents of all sorts were done away with:—the ambassador would not even receive the common present of a water-melon, lest he should be obliged to send one in return; and his whole conduct seemed more directed by the calculations of debtor and creditor, like a merchant, than by the intercourse of courtesy which ought to take place between crowned heads. Some wicked infidels of French would whisper abroad, that kings in Europe, like Saadi at Tabriz, were now become less than dogs, and that therefore their representatives had no dignities to represent; the English elchi, however, would not allow this, but gave us other reasons for the economy practised in his country, stating that, although every one allowed that such policy was full of mischief, yet that it was necessary to humour the whim of this People Shah, who aspired to the crown, and whose despotism was greater than even that of our famous Nadir Shah.
When I appeared at the King's Gate, and took my seat among the minor officers who awaited the presence of the vizier previously to his going before the Shah, the enemies of England, of whom there were many, would taunt me with the news spread to her disadvantage, for I was looked upon as a Frangi myself.
"After all," said one, "own, O Hajji! that these Ingliz are an unclean generation; that it is quite time they should eat their handful of abomination."—"We are tired of always hearing them lauded," said another. "Praised be the Prophet! that little by little we may also defile their fathers' graves, and point our fingers at their mothers."
"Why address me, O little man?" said I. "Am I their father, mother, brother, or uncle, that you address me?—It was my destiny to go amongst them; it was my destiny to come back. A fox does not become a swine because he goes through the ordure of the sty in search of his own affairs. Let their houses be bankrupt, let their fathers grill in Jehanum—what is that to me?"
"What words are these?" said a third. "Your beard has changed its colour. What are become of your guns that would reach from Tehran to Kom placed side by side, or to Ispahan placed lengthwise? Where now are your ships that spout more fire than Demawand, and your women like houris that can read and write like men of the law? Formerly there was nothing in the world like Francs; now you look upon them as dirt."
Had I persisted in upholding my Ingliz friends, now that the tide had turned against them, I should have done them no good, and myself harm; therefore I applied the cotton of deafness to the ear of unwillingness. Most true, however, it was that they daily lost in public estimation; and rumours of the approaching downfal of English power and prosperity came to us from so many quarters, that we could not do otherwise than believe them. Whenever an Englishman now appeared in the streets, he was called pig with impunity; and, instead of the bastinado which the man who so insulted him formerly was wont to get, he now was left to repeat the insult at his leisure.
The fact principally urged was, that a disorder had broken out amongst them, which affected the brain more than any other organ; that it had taken possession of high and low, rich and poor, master and servant; and raged with such violence, that it was almost dangerous to go amongst them, although strangers were said not to catch it. It was neither cholera, plague, nor heart-ache, and could not be assimilated to any known disorder in the East. We have no name for it in Persia; in England it is called Reform: and, as it had suddenly attacked the country when in a state of great health and prosperity, it was supposed that some one great evil eye had struck it, and that therefore no one could foresee what might be its mischievous results.