Everybody Who Is Nobody.
As the invited guests arrived, some coming by water, some by land, and some through the air—Mr. Squirrel and Mrs. Squirrel came through the tops of the trees, sometimes jumping long distances from the limbs of one to the limbs of another—Everybody who is Nobody crowded around the entrance to the briar patch. Everybody who is Nobody had no tickets of admission, but they surrounded the guests, and would have crowded in, uninvited, were it not that Mr. ’Possum, with a large detachment of his kinsmen, acted as policemen and drove them back. In spite of this and in spite of the harsh means used to keep the crowd back, some of the guests were jostled, crushed and injured.
Mr. ’Possum acted as policeman and drove them back.
Everybody who is Nobody retired a short distance to a little knoll that had been flung up by the uprooting of a great tree that had long since rotted away. Everybody who is Nobody was anxious to appear on the ground by mere accident; but Mr. Owl, who was looking on from a high tree, knew they were all impelled by the same motive.
Mr. Muskrat and Mrs. Muskrat concluded early in the day that they had opened more mussel shells than was really necessary, and that they might as well take a walk and enjoy a holiday. They were the first to climb to the top of the knoll, to dry their clothing, they said. Mr. Polecat and Mrs. Polecat, Mr. Porcupine and Mrs. Porcupine, Mr. Turtle and Mrs. Turtle, Mr. Weasel and Mrs. Weasel, Mr. Hawk and Mrs. Hawk, Mr. Gopher and Mrs. Gopher, and, in fact, Everybody who is Nobody was there. Mr. Buzzard and Mrs. Buzzard started on the way, but they were attracted by the odor arising from a carrion that lay rotting far out on the festering marsh. Mr. Rattlesnake and Mrs. Rattlesnake remained a short distance away—there are exclusive folk in society where Everybody is Nobody—and Mr. Rattlesnake made the buttons on his tail sound like a fire of musketry when things did not suit him. Mr. Magpie and Mrs. Magpie were dressed early and ready to go, but Mrs. Magpie began gossiping with Mr. Crane, who had just swallowed Mr. Garter-snake and prevented him from going, and she forgot all about it until too late. Mr. Fox approached very cautiously to where he could hear and to where he could not be seen. Mr. Tarantula blundered in, but, discovering his mistake, retired at once.
When all were assembled, Mrs. Muskrat observed that she was glad that she was not in the briar patch at the dining. She knew she could have been invited if she had put herself in the way of it as some other folks have done; but she had no use for Mrs. Rabbit. Mrs. Rabbit put on a great many airs. She considered herself better than other people. She shouldn’t forget that she married Mr. Rabbit, who is old enough to be her father, for his property, and that, when she married him, she had nothing but the clothes on her back. And since her marriage she has been given but one new dress a year in spite of all her wealth. Mrs. Muskrat averred that she believed in taking people for what they are and not for what their ancestors were, and for which they should be in no way held accountable; still, it was commonly known that Mrs. Rabbit’s grandmother hired out.
Mrs. Porcupine ventured to say that it might be well enough to be an old man’s darling, if he had money enough; but she did not believe in becoming the slave of a house full of little ones, and the way Mrs. Rabbit was surrounding herself with olive branches was positively scandalous, and the talk of the entire forest.
Mr. Porcupine had been listening to the talk, and knowing that he had to agree with his wife, laughed immoderately and applauded loudly. Other animals have found it wise and expedient to do the same thing. In doing this his quills penetrated the fur coat of Mrs. Polecat, who indignantly exclaimed:
“Sir! I would have you remember in whose presence you find yourself. You should select a more willing target for your murderous weapons.”
“Ah, Mrs. Polecat,” said Mr. Porcupine, not knowing the injury he had done—some people never know the injury they do—“You possess a weapon and wield it so effectively that it is much more cruel and painful than is my poor quill. Mine is a sword stab, but there are torments and sufferings greater than sword stabs.”
As he said this, Mr. Porcupine thought it an uncommonly fine speech with an obvious meaning.
Mrs. Polecat was placated. Her anger was turned to pleasure. She, too, thought it an uncommonly fine speech, and fancied that it meant that her beauty was such as to inspire love and destroy the heart and peace of mind of those who saw her. There are people in this world who are always ready to take a veiled censure of a fault which they possess as a compliment to an assumed virtue which they do not possess.
Mrs. Porcupine frowned and scowled. She knew what Mr. Porcupine meant, but she frowned and scowled because Mrs. Polecat had misunderstood it and had taken it as a compliment.
Mrs. Turtle, who had been waiting for a chance to speak, said she didn’t see how any one could go about without reasonable protection. For her part, she was not afraid of Mr. Porcupine’s quills, and she invited him to come as close to her as he desired.
Mrs. Porcupine frowned and scowled again, and no doubt a pitched battle would have ensued, had not Mr. Rattlesnake sounded an alarm, and slipped away under a huge rock.
Just then two hunters, with their dogs, rode up, and—bang! bang!—Mr. Porcupine and Mrs. Muskrat fell over dead. The younger hunter took out after Mr. Polecat and Mrs. Polecat, but he was warned back by the elder, who said that, like some people, the Polecats had methods of assault against which there is no defense excepting distance, and that the part of wisdom is to keep well away from them.
Mr. Turtle and Mrs. Turtle, in spite of their strong armor, were captured and hung by whang leather thongs to the horns of the hunters’ saddles. Their heads were battered, but of course they did not die until put in the soup-pot the next day. Mr. Hawk and Mrs. Hawk flew away and the rest of the animals escaped with more or less injury, one way and another, with the exception of Mr. Weasel, who was killed and his skin converted into a purse.
Mrs. Rabbit put on a great many airs.
It was many and many a long day before Everybody who is Nobody met again to criticise their neighbors. It sometimes requires a great catastrophe to teach a valuable lesson; but, once learned, this lesson is not soon forgotten.