Questions and Answers
Dear Captain Billy—Why is a marriage performed on Friday considered unlucky?—Hoo Dew.
Friday is so named because alloted to Frigga, the goddess of marriage. Perhaps that is why ceremonies on that day are so unlucky.
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Dear Captain Billy—My husband insists on wandering about the house barefooted at night, and I’ve been wondering if the servants have been attracting him out of his slumbers. What should I do?—Miriam DeVorce.
A few tacks placed judiciously about the house will cure your husband’s night walking in his bare feet.
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Dear Captain Bill—My fiance says she will not marry me until I have done something big in life. Can you suggest something?—Worried Romeo.
Why not try washing elephants.
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Dear Skipper Bill—What is meant by a “ruined career?”—Carrie A. Kidd.
Bartending.
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Dear Captain Bill—Who was the first jockey?
Eve. Adam entered her in the human race.
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Dear Whiz Bang Bill—If a flivver ran over a farmer’s rooster, what would he be out?—Artie Choke.
Nothing that I know about, except possibly his rooster would be out a foot or two.
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Dear Captain Billy—Who was the world’s greatest female juggler?—Soubrette Sue.
Nat Goodwin.
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Dear Captain Billy—What is the meaning of the word “flapper?”—June Peas.
Flapper is usually applied to a girl who flaps.
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Captain Bill—I am a wrestler and a very light sleeper, my wife snores likell. What would you recommend to stop her sonorous snores?—Ima Snoozer.
Use a strangle hold.
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Dear Skipper Bill—What is meant by the expression “A silent partner?”—Gangrene Gertie.
A woman’s husband.
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Dear Captain Bill—What makes the human race?—Hammond Eggs.
Men and women chasing each other.
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Dear Skipper Bill—What’s the difference between a cow and a baby?—Dunn O. Nuttin.
Well, a cow drinks water to make milk, while a baby just drinks milk.
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Dear Captain Billy—How can I keep my husband home at night?—Worried Newlywed.
Take five pounds of fusel oil, two pounds of prunes and one pound of raisins, put it in a five gallon crock. Then for nine dreary evenings, sit beside the crock and gently lift up the cheesecloth cover and hold communion therewith. It will sing a song to you in peculiar fashion, reminding you of the olden days when you put the parlor sea shell to your ear to hear the wild waves roar. You’ll hear Eva Tanguay singing “I Don’t Care.” When the tenth day has come to pass, strain the contents of the crock into bottles and then you can telephone your husband’s drug store and tell him to come home. You should have no further trouble in retaining his company.
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Dear Captain—What’s the difference between a sea gull and a baby?—Flipflop Flapper.
A sea gull flips along the shore, while a baby slips along the floor.
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Dear Skipper Bill—Don’t you think that giving up drinking will assure a longer life?—Repentant Soak.
Perhaps you’re right. I once gave it up for 24 hours and it was the longest day I ever lived.
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Dear Farmer Billy—As an honest tiller of the soil, perhaps you can tell me the difference between an apple and a girl?—Ann Arbor.
Sure, you have to squeeze an apple before you can get cider. But with a girl, you have to get “side” ’er before you can squeeze her.
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Dear Captain Bill—I live in Milwaukee and a neighbor of mine is always making home beer. Who should I report it to?—Adam Sapple.
Notify the American consul.
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Dear Sir and Captain—My husband, whenever he comes home intoxicated from moonshine liquor, kicks me in the stomach. What would you advise me to do?—Abused Wife.
Turn your back on the brute.
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Dear Skipper—Could you tell me who is the inventor of the loose leaf system?—L. E. Phant.
Eve.
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Dear Captain Jazzbo—I have a sweet girlie, with teeth quite pearly. I took her in my arms one night. She scratched and giggled and tried to bite. Can you guess what’s worrying me?—Hymanjasus.
Your poetry is punk, old trapper, and I’ll answer you, the same—You like to love but you hate to fight with a dirty neck when you monkey-bite.
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Dear Captain Bill—I see where you discuss at length the brevity of girls’ attire, but I never see you object in your writings. How do you stand, anyway?—Noonan Knight.
Well, you don’t see me wearing any smoked glasses.
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Dear Skipper Bill—What’s your idea of a fine sight?—Lotta Bull.
I suppose you think I’ll say hosiery, but guess again. My idea of a fine sight is the one I have on my bear hunting rifle.
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Dear Whiz Bang Billy—What’s the most useful food?—Fletcher Eyes.
Chicken. You can eat it before it is born and after it is dead.
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Dear Doctor Billy—What are the three great plagues of the world?—Iva Sharpe Payne.
My expert diagnosis reveals that the three greatest are: Water on the knee, liquor on the hip and woman on the brain. Which Paynes you most?
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Dear Skipper—Do you think it possible to get intoxicated on one-half of one percent beer?—Ringaround A. Rosey.
Sure, two hundred bottles of one-half of one percent equals one hundred percent drunk.
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