Shocking!
My brother Roscoe, who is a captain in the Air Service, tells the following:
Officers in a garrison school were studying “Small Problems for Infantry.” Turning to the large-sized map on the wall, the major instructor called upon one officer, Jones by name.
“Jones,” said he, “your battalion is camped here at cross-roads 435 (indicating on map). It is enemy country and you are told to cross this cornfield toward farmhouse half-mile distant for the purpose of bringing in the farmer or somebody who might furnish information of the movements of the enemy. It is in September, the corn is cut but not shocked, and as you make your way across the field you suddenly ran into two young ladies. What do you do?”
“I-I-I-I don’t know,” falteringly replied the second looey. “I didn’t get time to study the lesson today. But, did I understand you to say that the corn had not been shocked?”
Questions and Answers
To Captain Billy (thru channels)—It is requested that the Captain give his expert advice on the following subjects: (a) Girl in question insists on wearing filmy Georgette waists, which are just about as efficient as chicken wire as far as concealment is concerned. There is no objection on my part to looking through them, but do not desire others to have same advantage. (b) Passing along our main drag the other day, observed squab with brilliant green stockings. Promptly remembered General Order No. 2, and followed it out to best of my ability, when another one hove in sight with red, white and blue effect on limbs. Puzzled to know which color to pay attention to in case it happens again.—Gerry Ed.
Indorsements in reply—(a) Would suggest that you drape your girl in question in heavier attire. (b) You did perfectly right in observing both sets of stockings, as your general orders are: “To walk my post in a military manner, observing everything that takes place within sight or hearing.”
* * *
Dear Captain Billy—What is most like a hen stealing?—Dismal Dan.
A Cock Robin, I s’pose.
* * *
Dear Bill—Who is the lightweight champion of America?—Private Stock.
My coal dealer.
* * *
Dear Captain Billy—What is a husband?—Will B. Schmellie.
Husbands are very useful things to have about the house. Caught young they make useful pets and can be taught to do a number of tricks. Some husbands are domesticated and stay at home in the evenings. I knew one who used to spend every evening at home. He suffered with gout. Others stay out late and then, having good friends, they get carried straight in. The duty of a husband is to touch the cash register and look pleasant, and so he spent his time trying to live round a seven by six family on a two by three salary. Very few husbands ever live any longer than is absolutely necessary.
* * *
dEAR WhiZ bAng Bil—my name is OLE. My brother GUS he go away 7 yeres ago to work in Minnesoty milkking cows. Ay skol lak to know if your hired man is my brother GUS, as you SaY in yure magazeen that your hired man GUS has strong feet.—Ole Skolstad.
No, Ole, my hired man is not your brother. He says that all hired men have a bad odor about their pedals, due, he says, to the brand of snuff they snoose.
* * *
Dear Skipper Bill—Do you like Popcorn Balls?—Sig. R. Liter.
I don’t know; I never was to one.
* * *
Dear Whiz Bang Bill—What’s the extreme penalty for bigamy?—Ophelia Anckel.
Two mothers-in-law.
* * *
Dear Skipper—My husband stays out every night and he always says he sits up with Jack, but he won’t tell me his friend’s last name. Can you advise me?—Grace Gravydisch.
Your husband probably is attending Jack Pot.
* * *
Dear Farmer Bill—As you are living on a farm, perhaps you may be able to give me the correct definition of a filly.—Cobb Webb.
A filly, my dear sir, is a lady horse that has never had a honeymoon.
* * *
Dear Skipper—I’ve heard the expression, “The Evening Wore On,” and will you please tell me what it wore?—E. Normous Nutt.
Must have been wearing The Close of the Day.
* * *
Dear Skipper—What would you recommend as a good hair tonic?—Rundown Ike.
Wine of Pepsin, but I didn’t think they used it on their hair any more.
* * *
Dear Captain Bill—How may I become popular as an aesthetic dancer?—Miss Fitt.
Simply shiver and shake and look wicked.
* * *
Dear Skipper—Why is a sailor usually referred to as an “Old Salt”?—Cap Pistol.
After saltpeter, which is used so much in the navy as an ingredient in the manufacture of high explosive shells.
* * *
Dear Capt. Billy—What is a Peruvian Phump?—G. Howie Pants.
An animal found only in the Arctic Circle, and having two or more speeds.
* * *
Dear Captain Bill—What’s the difference between a model woman and a woman model?—Krazy Kookoo.
A model woman is a bare possibility, while a woman model is a naked fact.
* * *
Dear Professor Bill—What range of mountains did Napoleon cross, what year, and what mode of travel?—Hyley Shocked.
I am not much of an historian but I think it was in 1492 that Napoleon crossed the Rockies in a canoe.
* * *
Dear Capt. Bill—I have lived in the city all my life but have decided to become a farmer. Can you tell me whether or not macaroni is a profitable crop to grow?—Carse E. Noma.
They don’t grow macaroni any more, they make it. Just take a big long hole and put dough around it. I have been told that in some foreign countries they use this hole for vermicelli.