They Make the Best Kind
(From the Oberlin, O., Tribune.)
WANTED—A husband; must be a sinner; none other need apply. P. O. Box 61, Oberlin.
Musings of a Bachelor
There are three kinds of females—foolish girls, damphoolish girls and married women.
Strong perfume has never yet become an excuse for not bathing.
When a man becomes so well acquainted with a girl that she tells him “Now, stop,” he is fairly well acquainted.
Most men have quit wearing suspenders, but that’s about all some women wear.
There are a number of ways to kiss a girl, but only one way to kiss a married woman.
A girl with a quart of hootch is more popular these days than the girl with a ton of good looks.
Telephone girls who say over the wire “Numbah, please,” are the same ones who at home shout “Hey, pass them spuds.”
Long ago I was taught that “All is not gold that glitters,” and more recently I have found out that all who flap are not flappers.
Girls who live in glass houses should always pull down the shades.
Girls with highly polished finger nails are generally the ones with runs in silk hosiery.
When women get their heads together and whisper, they’re talking about some other woman; when men do the same they’re discussing the latest recipe for home-made hootch.
A woman who will faint at the sight of a mouse will tell you that the prize fight she saw was very tame.
A friend of mine wanted to buy a vamp table. I didn’t know what a vamp table was. He said it was a table with straight legs and without anything on top.
There are some girls who, at a theater, insist upon whispering to their escort that “the man on the other side is trying to flirt with me.”
Chewing tobacco seems to have passed out with booze and suspenders. A real “man” nowadays wears a belt and a wrist watch and smokes pills.
Somebody has said recently that jazz music is the voice of the devil. But who the devil cares?
When a woman threatens to scream you can be sure she won’t.
An optimist is a member of the bartenders’ union who is still paying dues.
There are some married women who would like to play football providing there weren’t any goal posts.
A boxer who fights his battles in the ring instead of in the columns of the newspapers is a sufficient attraction these days to merit considerable attention.
A young woman tries to please man. When she gets old she tries to please God.
It’s a long way from Los Angeles to Palm Beach but the styles in bathing suits of the Mack Sennett queens and the dames of high society seem about the same.
Electric lights were never made for courting. In the days of the gas jet a fellow could turn down the light a little at a time. Now he has to snap off the electricity all at once and take a chance.
There may be a good many arguments against the restoration of the good old four per cent beer, but right now we can’t think of a single one.
There were more divorces, more murders, more burglaries in New York in 1920 than in 1919. Hooray for prohibition!
As we remember the arguments of the prohibitionists a dry country would be nothing short of Utopia. There wasn’t going to be any crime nor any marital difficulties nor were any young girls going to go wrong. It is a merry world, my masters.
It costs so much nowadays to get a house to live in and enough booze for the house warming that there isn’t anything left for furniture.
* * *
My love for you my pretty one
Is like a beacon-light,
It smoulders in the daytime
But burneth bright at night.
* * *
She tends the locks upon the dam,
He tries not to offend her,
For fear she’ll fire him off the job;
In fact he’s too, dam tender.
Our Rural Mail Box
Belle—We can’t use your story, but you win the diamond studded stomach pump.
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Sweet Marie—The bridegroom should not see the bride on the day of the wedding until he meets her in the church or in front of Court Commissioner Bates. However, if you have any apprehensions, you might ask your big brother to keep an eye on him. Men are so fickle, you know.
* * *
Dolly—It is not, generally speaking, correct to send invitations for the wedding and christening simultaneously. Circumstances quite often alter cases, however.
* * *
Will E. Crowder—You should not doubt. Did you not say you met her walking home after an automobile ride?
* * *
Grace—Congratulations. A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, and clothes shabbier. I know, for I’ve brought up five of them.
* * *