Especially When the North Wind Blows
She was a silly little, gushing thing, and habitually talked without thinking, and in the exaggerated fashion which the female of the species at present affects. Lately married, she was able to induce her adoring hubby to go with her on shopping expeditions. Even when the tour included a visit to an establishment where the most intimate of feminine garments were on sale, he did not flinch.
In one such shop, the discreet manageress inquired as to whether a certain set of silken unmentionables, recently purchased, had given full satisfaction.
The little bride’s eyes grew round.
“Oh, they were beautiful!” she burst out, in her usual fashion. “Everybody admired them—everybody!”
Turning pale, the unfortunate bridegroom didn’t know for a moment whether to file for congress or go out and get a stiff drink of moonshine.
* * *
She had a sore throat, and was unable to sing, so the manager buzzed her off to the theater’s medical man the tooter the sweeter. The doc. produced his laryngoscope, and as he was adjusting it he pleasantly remarked, “You’d be surprised how far we can see with this little instrument.”
“Oh, is that so, doctor?” she faltered. “Well, it can’t be helped, but I ought to tell you that I really had no time to change my things before I came out.”
Whiz Bang Etiquette
Is your etiquation on etiquette inetiquate? Do you pull the faux pas, gaucherie, vulgarian, and other boners too humorous to mention?
Read these questions thoughtlessly, study the answers carelessly and add both to your misinformation on this subject:
What do you know about introductions?
If Green and Brown met at your home brewery for the first time, would you say, “Green, meet Brown. Boys, have a drink,” or vice versa? Suppose the Siamese Twins dropped in about that time to borrow your recipe for double brew. Would you present them plurally or en mash?
Don’t introduce them; familiarity breeds a thirst.
The ballroom should always be a center of (physical) culture and grace.
What is the correct position for the gentleman in dancing?
Cheek to cheek.
For the lady?
Vice versa.
Is it correct to wander away from the ballroom with a dancing partner?
If you become delirious, you may wander.
Is the “shimmy” done in the best society?
Yes.
How?
Like a bowl of jello in an earthquake.
Should one try to dance if they do not know the steps?
No, that would brand you as a hopeless vulgarian.
Should one crack jokes about the ladies’ gowns?
No, your conversation should not be confined to trivialities.
If a girl asks you in when you escort her home from the ball at 3 a. m., should you accept her invitation?
Politely decline, and give me her address.
Every dinner should begin with a little soup and less noise.
Should the lady of the house help the soup?
Yes, if it needs it.
What would you do if you made a wine stain on a lady’s dress?
Help her to remove it, the stain.
Should you decline wine by clapping your hand on top of your glass?
I wouldn’t.
Should water be taken directly from a finger bowl?
No, a soup ladle is placed at each plate for this purpose.
Etiquette is used in many other ways, but these few simple-minded rules will get you out of some of the worst places.
A Dilemna De Luxe
By MARGARET MANNERS
It was embarrassing, to say the least! The young man strove vainly to retain his equilibrium, also his hold upon the inert form in his arms. But the color mounted in a vivid flush of red to his very blonde hair.
Then the nearby group of watchers laughed. He was still more confused. The auburn locks of the fair figure in his arms became loosened and fell in a cascade almost to the floor. The man was visibly disconcerted, and letting go with one hand, he clutched at his collar and gazed wildly down at the cold, upturned face.
With a renewed effort to escape the taunting eyes of the curious, snickering crowd, he gathered the slim figure to him once more, when a shout went up and, looking back, he saw that the gown he had hastily loosened at the neck of the fair vision when he had first come upon the scene, had slipped off and lay in a soft silken heap at his feet. He was painfully aware that all that remained to view was the daintiest of filmy lingerie, and sheer, silken hosiery. One tiny pump had fallen off.
The young man thought he would faint if he did not escape the crowd that had rapidly grown to a curious mob. The sight of a very flushed youth, holding the limp female figure in his awkward arms, scantily clad, beautiful face impassive, instead of exciting sympathy, brought forth only mirth at his clumsy attempts to withdraw. Evidently such an experience had never occurred to the embarrassed youth before, but he rallied and finally reached the door.
As he started through, carefully, almost tenderly holding the lovely form, the delicate crepe de chine underslip caught on the little glass doorknob; to his utter chagrin, he let go altogether, leaning against the framework of the door; this was too much!
Wildly he thought of abandoning his duty, when the stern voice of a very dapper, wax-mustached, and excited gentleman who forced his way through the door, brought him up with a jerk.
“What ees the matter with you?” almost shrieked the head floorwalker of “The Elite Modes” shop. “Look, look!” he cried, gesticulating wildly, “worse than ze bull in ze china-closet! Go back to where you belong, and stay there!”
The new window dresser of “The Elite Modes” gave one look at the broken nose of the wax window-model which he had dropped, and fled—back to his old love, the gingham department!
* * *
“It is forty years since my husband even kissed me,” complained a woman in Hennepin county divorce court.
There is much pathos in that “even.”
* * *