Lost, Almost
A pacifist orator in Hyde Park, London, was declaiming against war. Seeing a returned soldier listening on the edge of the crowd, he roared out: “See that man! He is garbed in the uniform of war. But I belong to the army of heaven.” The “Tommy,” leisurely removing his pipe from his mouth, dryly replied: “You’re a ’ell of a way from your barracks, then.”
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The height of Sir Walter Raleighism was observed at a bathing beach last month, when a young man carried a bathing suit clad girl from boat to shore through six inches of water so the poor dear would not get her feet wet.
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Blessed are the orphan children, for they have no mothers to spank them.
Blessed are they who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed.
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All we have to do in Robbinsdale to feel the spirit of the good old days is to eat an ear of corn and drink a pint of water.
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Since the country is dry why manufacture umbrellas with crooked handles to hang over bars?
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If a woman can’t break some man’s heart she gets reckless and breaks her own.
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Wise men never borrow trouble when they can borrow money instead.
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One swallow doesn’t make a summer,
But one frog can make a spring.
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The other day I was riding in the street car. I had my eye on a seat, but a woman sat on it.
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A chilly reception doesn’t cool one off on a hot day.
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Men fight with their fists, women with their tears.
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When spinsterhood is bliss, ’tis folly to be wives.
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We will now sing that touching little ballad, entitled, “Girls, don’t put make-up on your eyes, I’ll blacken ’em for you,” by the writers of “Naughty Nellie.”
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First I gave her peaches,
Then I gave her pears
Then I gave her fifty cents
And kissed her on the stairs.
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What we would like to know is what part of a woman’s anatomy are the stairs. The author evidently received his training from the late Quenton, who reported that a South St. Paul woman was shot in the boiler room. Well, well, I must pull another cork now. Reminds me of the time I was half shot in the Islands.
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