Charlie’s Delicate Habits
A nice young man called on a nice young lady and spent the evening recently. When he arrived there was not a cloud in the sky, so he carried no umbrella and wore no goloshes nor mackintosh. At 10:00 o’clock when he arose to go, it was raining pitchforks and grindstones.
“My, my, my!” said the nice young lady, “if you go out in this storm you will catch your death of cold.”
“I’m afraid I might,” was the trembling answer.
“Well, I’ll tell you what—stay all night; you can have Tom’s room, as he is visiting uncle and aunt up in the country. Yes, occupy Tom’s room. Excuse me a minute, and I’ll just run up and see if it’s in order.”
The young lady fled gracefully upstairs to see if any tidying was necessary. In five minutes she came down to announce that the room was in readiness, but no Charles was in sight. In a very few minutes, however, he appeared, dripping wet and out of breath from running and with a bundle in a newspaper under his arm.
The nice young lady greeted him with: “Why, Charles, where have you been?”
“Been home after my night shirt,” was his reply, as he hung his hat up to drip.
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That train smokes a lot.
Yes, and choos, too.
Questions and Answers
Dear Capt. Billy—What is the Goozes Pimple Glide dance?—Washer Iggle.
This is done in the following manner: While stepping on the ballroom floor with your partner keep time with the music by stroking her bare arm with the front and back (alternately) of your hand.
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Dear Capt. Billy—What is meant by “A man ahead of the time?”—V. Havan Oisteh.
The fellow who carries his watch in his hip pocket.
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Dear Capt. Billy—While crossing from Key West to Havana on one of the gin rickey boats I noticed a streak of oil on the water. Could you tell me what that was from?—S. Lopp Boal.
Oh, that’s where the road went across the ice last winter.
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Dear Captain—We are going to give a cleaning-shower for a bride-to-be. Can you suggest an appropriate gift?—Mid Riff.
A bath mitt.
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Dear Cap’n—I am giving a home-brew party to some jolly boys and girls. What is the proper hour to have the musicians play “Home Sweet Home?”—Roll Myowne.
Just before half pash stew.
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Dear Captain—I am alone a great deal at night and am afraid. Can you suggest some kind of protection?—Belle R. Peeling.
Take the bark of a dogwood tree and leave it outside your bedroom door.
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Dear Cap.—Can you suggest some inexpensive amusement that I might indulge in when my husband is away?—Dottie.
Take a bath and then spend half an hour or so playfully trying to locate the soap.
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Dear Cap’n Billy—I have just purchased several new gowns and no one seems to notice them. What can I do?—Ophelia Bumpus.
Try standing on a street corner with a tin cup in your hand and wear a sign “I am dumb.”
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Dear Cap. Billy—How can I cure my husband’s hiccups?—Ada Banana.
Don’t try. It is a mark of distinction.
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Dear Captain—When my husband takes me to a dance he prefers to jazz with all the girls except me. What can I do?—Gladys Swetz.
Make him wear shoulder braces.
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Dear Capt. Billy—In all your travels, where did you receive the most hospitality?—Al Hambra.
It was when in California. A gentleman called me into his room, handed me a goblet in one hand and a demijohn in the other and turned his back.
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Dear Capt. Billy—My dearest boy friend jilted me and now refuses to marry me. Please give me your best dope.—Sally Patica.
Dear Sally—Always hate him and bring your children up the same way.
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Dear Captain Billy—I am fondly in love with a young girl in our town, but also have strong sympathies for a dashing grass widow of thirty. My age, too, is thirty, and I would like your advice as to whom I should consider seriously.—Gloomy Gus.
Always deal with an old established firm, young man.
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