Our Spring Thriller
“I’ve got you at last,” he cried, “move if you dare, move! It’s taken me many years, but at last I’ve got you where I want you! Now I dare you to move!”
“Yep, you’re right,” replied his friend, “it’s the first game of checkers you ever did win from me.”
Questions and Answers
Dear Capt. Billy—If your pedigreed bull is a thoroughbred, why not have him registered?—Simon Simple.
No use to register him; he couldn’t vote anyway.
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Dear Capt. Billy—My wife is getting too strenuous. The other day she broke a plate over my head. What would you advise me to do?—Nyce Boise.
You might try cast iron plates.
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Dear Capt. Bill—Please define love?—Amorous Annabelle.
Love is the psychology of youth; the subtle sympathy that blends the world into a thing of joy and pleasure unrestrained.
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Dear Bill—Is “The Eternal Triangle” a play or a book?—Innocent Imogene.
It’s a heart-throbbing and soul-stirring play, Imogene, in which all humans have at some time or other enacted a leading part—Adam and Eve excepted. In fact I feel certain that neither Adam or Eve ever “Cribbed” in the University of Paradise with its rapturous courses of enchantment. There’s a reason.
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Dear Skipper—What epidemics were suffered by United States troops during the World War?—Si Frever.
Spanish influenza and American Shavetails. Both were rather annoying at times, as any doughboy will tell you.
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Dear Farmer Bill—Being as how you are a tiller of the soil, I suppose you’re familiar with the “Black Eye Susan?”—Nick Nack.
No, Nick, I never met the lady, but I know the gentlemen who gave it to her.
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Dear Bill—Is there very much difference in women as a whole?—King Young.
They’re all alike, young man, except they’ve got different names.
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Dear Skipper—What is meant by “The Port of Missing Men?”—Berry M. Deep.
Ladies’ night in a Turkish bath.
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Dear Skipper—Who are the leading Turkish rulers?—Jack Sellers.
Pasha Hat, Mustapha Beer and Esaad Enuf.
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Dear Capt. Billy—What is your best definition of a diplomat?—Phillis Fullabunk.
A diplomat, Phillis, is a man who, when he gets home late, sneaks into bed backwards so that if his wife awakes he can tell her he is just getting up.
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Dear Capt. Billy—Will you please tell me who invented apple sauce?—Anna Nyas.
William Tell. He shot the apple off his son’s head and they all had apple sauce for supper.
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Dear Captain Bill—Don’t you think a woman is everything in the world?—Tiddledewinks.
Yes, indeed—everything I can think of.
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Dear Capt. Billy—What is the easiest way to drive a nail without smashing my fingers?—Ab Doman.
Hold the hammer in both hands.
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Dear Whiz Bang Bill—What is your idea of the height of absentmindedness?—Lou Z. Lizzie.
The professor who woke up at daylight and found a fair lady beside him, much to his astonishment, having forgotten that he had married the night before.
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Dear Capt. Billy—Can you give me a good remedy for toothache?—Holey G. Macknaw.
Fill the mouth with cold water and sit on a hot stove till the water boils.
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Dear Capt. Billy—What is good to keep hair in?—Baldy Bozo.
A cigar box.
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Preacher—Take up the collection before I start preaching.
Why?
Preacher—Because I’m going to preach on thrift.
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Sunday School Teacher—“Percy, what must we do before our sins can be forgiven?”
Percy—“Sin.”
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