PART II.—THE DUTIES OF A GUEST.
Having previously considered the question of the duties of a hostess, I now come to speak of those of a guest; and the subject being less exhaustive than the former one, can be treated with considerably more conciseness.
Firstly, then, when invited to stay at a friend’s house, use your judgment with regard to the advisability of accepting the invitation. If it is proffered spontaneously and without any apparent object in view, avail yourself of it, if inclination prompts you; but if you have reason to think that you are only asked because the hostess thinks it ‘necessary,’ or deems it likely that you will ‘expect it,’ hasten to write an apology at once. Never, however, do this, nor the reverse of it, nor anything else, for the matter of that, on impulse—take time to consider: it won’t occupy you long, and the result will repay you. On no account reply to invitations on postcards: such missives, although highly estimable and convenient in their proper place, should only be made use of for the conveyal of unimportant messages. A lady who favours you with an invitation to her house, may at least be considered worthy of such trifles as a sheet of note-paper and a penny stamp.
When you have made up your mind to avail yourself of an invitation, be sure to do so at the time specified by your hostess. Never select your own time, except when especially requested; should you be guilty of such a breach of etiquette, you would, in all probability, seriously incommode your entertainer. It is the custom in many families—especially those who live in the country—to invite a succession of visitors, one after another; and if an invited guest declines going at the time for which he is asked, he ought to remain absent altogether; for, to say, ‘I cannot go to you next week, but shall be happy to do so the week following,’ may considerably embarrass the head of the house to which he has been bidden.
Supposing, then, that you have accepted an invitation to a friend’s abode, be very careful not to miss the train, or other mode of conveyance by which you have appointed to travel, lest your host’s carriage—and perhaps some member of his family also—be kept, through your carelessness, waiting to receive you at your destination. Do not, on arriving at the house, make an unseemly fuss—as some persons do—about the disposal of your luggage; leave the carrying in and arranging of it entirely to the servants; and should anything go wrong, rectify it afterwards. Ascertain as early as possible the hours for meals, and be ready to the moment for such. Also, if it be customary in the household to have family prayer, be prepared always to attend it with punctuality, as nothing is more disturbing than to have droppers-in entering the room when the service is half concluded. Do not come down in the mornings before the shutters are opened or the rooms made up; servants feel much aggrieved by this practice, nor is it fair towards them. If you are, from habit, an early riser, remain in your chamber, where you can read or write without being in anybody’s way; or, if the weather be fine, go out for a walk, quietly, without any slamming of doors or obtrusive noise or bustle. Always remember, when entering the house after walking, to clean your boots well upon the door-scraper and mat. Do not on any account neglect this most important admonition; even though there may not be any perceptible mud upon the soles of your footgear, a certain amount of dust will be sure to cling, and will by no means improve your host’s carpets—or the tempers of his servants.
Do not eat immoderately at table, or in a manner to occasion remark. If you are afflicted with an abnormal appetite, satisfy its first cravings in the privacy of your apartment with biscuits, sandwiches, or something else of your own providing. It is dreadful to eat and drink as though one had not for days enjoyed a meal. On the other hand, do not, from a feeling of false delicacy, abstain from eating enough. A healthy, hearty appetite is to be commended; nor is anything more distressing to a hospitable hostess than to see her viands unappreciated, while her guests leave table apparently unsatisfied with what has been provided. It is needless to add that temperance in drinking is all-important.
Be especially careful to avoid little gaucheries, of which even some well-bred persons are occasionally guilty. Those who are accustomed to live alone are particularly apt to fall into odd ways, because they have not, as a rule, anybody to please or consult except themselves. I have seen a man of title and position, who, through living an isolated life, had many strange oddities: ignoring the use of the butter-knife and using his own—touching the lips of the cruet-bottle with his finger—turning over the contents of the biscuit-box—helping himself to sugar without the aid of the spoon or tongs. Persons with whom he sat in company called him ‘vulgar,’ whereas he was in reality outré and odd. A learned man, caring nothing for conventionalities, and living wholly alone, he fell into strange habits, and they clung to him, which is abundant proof that we ought, each and all of us, to guard against such.
Carefully steer clear of topics of discourse that you think might by any possibility be distasteful to anybody present; and if your host and hostess, or other members of the household, should chance to disagree in your presence upon any point, whether of great or little importance, do not take any part in the discussion, or side with either combatant. Maintain complete silence—or, if you can adroitly change the subject, or turn the conversation into another channel, so much the better; but this sort of thing requires so large an amount of tact and address, that if not done nicely, it had better be left alone.
Endeavour at all times to be obliging in the household. Offer your services upon all necessary occasions, but do not force them or appear officious; it is bad taste, and is certain to worry your hostess. If an entertainment is to take place in the house, keep out of the way as much as possible during the preparations for it, unless you can be of some substantial use; and while the festivity is in progress, do all you can to oblige the entertainer and contribute to the enjoyment of the guests. If you can sing, dance, or recite, do all (if asked) without making a fuss about it. At the same time do not fall into the opposite extreme of giving the company too substantial proof of your prowess in the vocal or histrionic art. Some persons are a perfect nuisance in this respect; once they sit down to the piano, they cannot be induced to leave it, and keep on singing song after song, to the exclusion of others and the weariness of the assembled guests. Assist your hostess in effecting introductions, and, if necessary, in ascertaining that each person has visited the supper-room and that nobody has been overlooked. In short—feeling yourself for the time a member of the household—perform all such duties as would, were you in reality so, fall to your share.
Never give unnecessary trouble to servants. Avoid, as far as possible, slopping water over your washstand, drenching the floor when you take your bath, emptying the entire contents of the water-jug into the basin every time you wash your hands throughout the day; throwing your soiled linen carelessly about the room; leaving your wearing apparel scattered promiscuously over the bed and the backs of the chairs; calling for hot water when cold would serve you quite as well, or better; soiling three or four pairs of boots and shoes in the day; leaving damp umbrellas upon the hall-table instead of in the stand; and going in and out of the house an unlimited number of times for idle pastime, when once or twice would serve your purpose quite as well.
Be careful never to outstay your welcome. You can form a very good idea, from the nature and wording of your invitation, how long you are meant to remain, even though the time may not have been exactly specified; but if there is any doubt about the matter, do not take advantage of it by staying too long, or extend your visit to any unusual length unless decidedly pressed to do so. It is far better to go away leaving a wish for your return, than that there should be the very smallest feeling of an opposite nature in the minds of your entertainers.
Be particularly cautious during your visit never to allow yourself to appear in the way. Should your host or hostess be called upon to receive a long absent or favoured friend, or one who is a rare visitor, retire quietly for a while, as there may be things to talk about that your presence would forbid, or at all events hamper; but be sure that you withdraw gracefully and without fuss, having a fair pretext on your lips, if asked your reason for doing so, as—although a well-bred hostess will never under any circumstances allow it to appear that any member of her household is de trop—a ladylike or gentlemanlike guest will never permit the possibility of her feeling that such is in reality the case.
When Sunday comes round, attend worship with your entertainers, who will probably be pleased by your doing so, rather than that you should go wandering off to some distant church alone; and endeavour throughout the day to adapt your ways and doings to those of your host and hostess. If you do not like or approve their mode of passing the Sabbath-day, you can take your leave before the next comes round; but it is the worst possible taste for a visitor to isolate himself in his own apartment, because the household of which he is pro tem. a member sees no harm in certain things which stricter persons may; while, on the other hand, it is equally objectionable to appear to ignore the Sabbath, where those about you have been educated in a more rigid school.
Finally, be kind and courteous to all, but never servile, nor yet haughty, for the one is quite as bad as the other, and both are hateful in the extreme. If, when you are departing, your host, or hostess, invites you to come again, you may feel justly satisfied that you have succeeded in making that most enviable thing—a good impression.