Comicalities, Original and Selected.
ILLUSTRATION OF HUMBUG.
"'Tis true, there is a slight difference in our ages, but with hearts that love, such considerations become frivolous. The world! Pshaw! Did you but love as I do, you would care but little for its opinion. Oh! say, beautiful being, will you be mine?"
RULES FOR HEALTH.
BY A SCOTCH PHILOSOPHER WHO HAS TRIED THEM ALL.
Never drink any thing but water.
Never eat any thing but oatmeal.
Wear the thickest boots.
Walk fifteen miles regularly every day.
Avoid all excitement; consequently it is best to remain single, for then you will be free from all household cares and matrimonial troubles, and you will have no children to worry you.
The same rule applies to smoking, taking snuff, playing at cards, and arguing with an Irishman. They are all strong excitements, which must be rigidly avoided, if you value in the least your health.
By attending carefully to the above rules, there is every probability that you may live to a hundred years, and that you will enjoy your hundredth year fully as much as your twenty-first.
FINANCE FOR YOUNG LADIES.
Taxes on knowledge are objected to, and taxes on food are objected to; in fact, there is so much objection to every species of taxation, that it is very difficult to determine what to tax. The least unpopular of imposts, it has been suggested, would be a tax on vanity and folly, and accordingly a proposition has been made to lay a tax upon stays; but this is opposed by political economists on the ground that such a duty would have a tendency to check consumption.
MAINE-LAW PETITIONERS
ANTI MAINE-LAW PETITIONERS.
MATRIMONY MADE EASY.
The following letter has been sent to our office, evidently in mistake:
"Matrimonial Office, Union Court, Love Lane.
"(strictly private and confidential.)
"Sir—Your esteemed favor of the 10th ult. came duly to hand, and, agreeably to your desire, we have the honor to forward to you our quarterly sheet of photographic likenesses of our Female Clients. We were very sorry that the Ladies you fixed upon in our last year's sheets were all engaged before your duly honored application arrived at our Office; but we hope to be more fortunate in our present sheet, which we flatter ourselves contains some highly eligibles. We should, however, recommend as early an application as possible, as, this being leap-year, Ladies are looking up, and considerably risen in the Market, and shares in their affections and fortunes are now much above par. Should you not be particular to a shade, we should respectfully beg leave to recommend No. 7, her father having very large estates near Timbuctoo, to which she will be sole heiress in case of her twenty-seven brothers dying without issue. And should the Great African East and West Railway be carried forward, the value of the Estates would be prodigiously increased. No. 8 is a sweet poetess, whose 'Remains' would probably be a fortune to any Literary Gent. to publish after her decease. No. 9 has been much approved by Gents., having buried eight dear partners, and is an eighth time inconsolable.
"Further particulars may be had on application at our Office.
"We beg also, respectfully, to inform you that your esteemed portrait was duly received and appeared in our last Gent.'s sheet of Clients; but we are sorry to say as yet no inquiries respecting it have come to hand.
"Permit us further to remind you that a year's subscription was due on the 1st of January, which, with arrears amounting to £4 4s., we shall be greatly obliged by your remitting by return of post.
"With most respectful impatience, awaiting a renewal of your ever-esteemed applications, and assuring you that they shall be duly attended to with all dispatch, secrecy, and punctuality,
"We have the honor to be, esteemed Sir,
"Your most obedient Servants,
"Hookham and Splicer,
"Sole Matrimonial Agents for Great Britain.
"P.S.—We find our female clients run much on mustaches. Would you allow us humbly to suggest the addition of them to your portrait in our next Quarterly Sheet? It could be done at a slight expense, and would probably insure your being one of our fortunate clients."
FAVORITE INVESTMENTS.
Lady.—"Goodness Bridget! what is that you have on?"
Bridget.—"Shure! an' didn't I hear you say these Weskitts was all the fashion? An' so I borrer'd me bruther Pathrick's to wait at the table in."
AN AGREEABLE PARTNER.
Fascinating Young Lady.—"I dare say you think me a very odd Girl—and indeed, mamma always says I am a giddy, thoughtless creature—and—"
Partner.—"Oh, here's a vacant seat, I think."
DELICACY.
Young Gentleman.—"I don't want to hurry you out of the room, old girl, but the fact is—I am going to wash myself."
THE DOG-DAYS.
Proprietor of the Dog.—"Has he been a bitin' on you, sir?"
Victim.—"Oh!—Ah!—Ugh!"
Proprietor.—"Vell, I thought as there was somethink the matter with him, cos he wouldn't drink nuffin for two days, and so I vos jist a-goin to muzzle him."
THE AMERICAN CRUSADERS.
Air—"Dunois the Brave."
Old Hermit Peter was a goose
To preach the first Crusade,
And skase e'en Godfrey of Bouillon
The speculation paid;
They rose the banner of the Cross
Upon a foolish plan—
Not like we hists the Stars and Stripes,
To go agin Japan.
All to protect our mariners
The gallant Perry sails,
Our free, enlightened citizens
A-cruisin' arter whales;
Who, bein' toss'd upon their shores
By stormy winds and seas,
Is wus than niggers used by them
Tarnation Japanese.
Our war-cries they are Breadstuffs, Silks.
With Silver, Copper, Gold,
And Camphor, too, and Ambergris,
All by them crittars sold:
And also Sugar, Tin, and Lead,
Black Pepper, Cloves likewise.
And Woolen Cloths and Cotton Thread,
Which articles they buys.
We shan't sing out to pattern saints
Nor gals, afore we fights,
Like, when they charged the Saracens,
Did them benighted knights:
But "Exports to the rescue, ho!"
And "Imports!" we will cry;
Then pitch the shell, or draw the bead
Upon the ene—my.
We'll soon teach them unsocial coon
Exclusiveness to drop;
And stick the hand of welcome out,
And open wide their shop;
And fust, I hope we shant be forced
To whip 'em into fits,
And chaw the savage loafers right
Up into little bits.
POETICAL COOKERY BOOK.
STEWED DUCK AND PEAS.
Air—"My Heart and Lute."
I give thee all my kitchen lore,
Though poor the offering be;
I'll tell thee how 'tis cooked, before
You come to dine with me:
The Duck is truss'd from head to heels,
Then stew'd with butter well;
And streaky bacon, which reveals
A most delicious smell.
When Duck and Bacon in a mass
You in a stewpan lay,
A spoon around the vessel pass,
And gently stir away:
A table-spoon of flour bring,
A quart of water plain,
Then in it twenty onions fling,
And gently stir again.
A bunch of parsley, and a leaf
Of ever-verdant bay,
Two cloves—I make my language brief—
Then add your Peas you may!
And let it simmer till it sings
In a delicious strain:
Then take your Duck, nor let the string
For trussing it remain.
The parsley fail not to remove,
Also the leaf of bay;
Dish up your Duck—the sauce improve
In the accustom'd way,
With pepper, salt, and other things,
I need not here explain:
And, if the dish contentment brings,
You'll dine with me again.