A Leaf not from Punch.
First Sportsman.—"My dear sir, I am very sorry that I hit you in the leg. Pray excuse me this time. I'll aim higher next time!"
Second Sportsman.—"Aim higher next time! No, I thank you. I'd rather you wouldn't."
ETYMOLOGICAL INVENTIONS.
We perceive, with great alarm, the increasing number of abstruse names given to various simple articles of clothing and commerce. Rather to keep a head of the world than even to run with it, we intend to register—or dispose of for a consideration—the sole right of producing the following articles:
The Protean Crononhotontologos, or Changeable Surtout, the tails of which button under to form a dress coat; can be reefed to make a shooting-coat; folded into a cut-a-way; or taken away altogether to turn into a sailing jacket. It is black outside and green within, with sets of shifting buttons, so that it may be used either for dress or sporting, evening or morning, with equal propriety.
The Oddrotistone, or Pumice Beard-leveler, for shaving without water, soap, brush, or razor, and removing all pimples and freckles by pure mechanical action. Strongly recommended to travelers with delicate skins.
The Hicockolorum, or Patent Fuel, warranted never to smoke, smell, decrease in bulk, or throw out dangerous gases, and equally adapted for Calorific, Church, Vesta, Air-tight, Registering, Cooking, and all manner of stoves. By simply recollecting never to light it, all these conditions will be fulfilled, or we forfeit fifty thousand dollars.
The Antilavetorium, or Perpetual Shirt-collar, which, being formed of enameled tin, never requires to be washed, is not likely to droop or turn down.
The Thoraxolicon, or Everlasting Shirt-front, comes under the same patent, which may be had also, perforated in patterns, after the fashionable style.
The Silicobroma, a preparation of pure flint-stone, which makes a very excellent soup, by boiling in a pot, with the requisite quantity of meat and vegetables.
Seedy Individual.—"I've dropped in to do you a very great favor, sir."
Man of Business.—"Well, what is it?"
Seedy Individual.—"I'm going to allow you the pleasure of lending me five dollars."
OFF POINT JUDITH.
Old Lady.—"Now, my good man, I hope you are sure it will really do me good, because I can not touch it but as medicine."
A SLIGHT MISTAKE.
We have been much grieved of late to observe the growing tendency among ladies to shave their foreheads, in the hope of intellectualizing their countenances, and this occurs more especially among the literary portion of the fair sex. We subjoin a portrait, but mention no names.
The mistake is this. The height of a forehead depends upon the height of the frontal bone—not upon the growth of the hair; and, therefore, when the forehead retreats, it is absurd to suppose that height can be given by shaving the head, even to the crown. Added to this, it is impossible to conceal the blue mark which the shorn stumps of hair still will leave; and, therefore, we hope soon to see the practice abolished.
Old Lady—(holding a very small Cabbage).—"What! 3d. for such a small Cabbage? Why, I never heerd o' such a thing!"
Greengrocer.—"Werry sorry, marm; but it's all along o' that Exhibition! What with them Foreigners, and the Gents as smokes, Cabbages has riz."
NEW BIOGRAPHIES.
Mr. Smith.—This celebrated personage has filled many important public and private situations: in fact, we find his name connected with all the great events of the time. He was a divine, an actor, an officer, and an author. But afterward getting into bad company, he was sentenced to the State Prison, and subsequently hanged. His family branches, which are very extensive, are fully treated of in the Directory.
Warren.—The discoverer of the famous Jet Blacking. Upon the backs of the bottle labels he wrote his celebrated tale of Ten Thousand a Year, thus shining in two lines. He lost his life at Bunker Hill.