ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M. P.
House of Commons, Monday, November 13.—Tomlinson has for some time observed with deepening disfavour his position in House as affected by, and compared with, that of his friend and companion dear, Tomasso Bowles. Tommy, to drop into the affectionate diminutive, is a mere child compared with him. He is but the birth of the last General Election; whilst for thirteen years this very month Tomlinson has presented at Westminster Preston's idea of the highest form of culture and intelligence.
Employers' Liability Bill offered opportunity for coming to front; not that either as Employer or Employed Tomlinson has any special knowledge on subject. But he sees as clearly into its bearings as he does through the average Lancashire stone wall. Awake at nights drafting new Clauses that should baffle Asquith and make the Squire of Malwood sit up. Looked most imposing on paper. Thought at one time of posting copy to every elector of Preston, so that he might see what a power in Senate is the borough Member. Wouldn't cost so much since, posted at House of Commons in official wrapper, they might go free. Still there would be remarks made if Tomlinson drove into Palace Yard enthroned on top of waggon containing 15,959 addressed copies of Amendments to Employers' Liability Bill. Gave up idea. Electors must buy the papers where, in Parliamentary reports, they would read voluminous digests of his speeches.
Began soon after House took up Bill this afternoon. First group of Amendments covered folio page of print. Read admirably; if it had not been usual for Member in charge of new Clause to explain to House its object and effect in operation success would have been assured. Here's where Tomlinson came to grief; talked for some time; House listened at first, honestly intent upon considering project, whatever it might he. Effect of Tomlinson's speech not elucidatory. The more he talked the more hopeless the muddle. When he sat down anguished listeners not quite sure whether he had (1) moved the Clause, (2) proposed to withdraw it, or (3) suggested that a more convenient place for insertion would he found later on. Fortunately new Clause in print among Amendments. That Asquith should decline to have anything to do with it natural enough. Saddest of all befel when from his own side of House Rollit bluntly denounced Clause, Carson hoped it wouldn't be pressed, and Henry James, from allied camp opposite, demolished it with final shot.
THE HOME SECRETARY'S SAFETY-VALVE. TRAFALGAR SQUARE OF THE FUTURE.
This not encouraging, but there were other Amendments standing in his name of which something must be said. Tomlinson rose when called on, but gratefully sat down when greeted with mirthful cries for division. Only gleam of comfort in sorrowful night was when Tommy Bowles, rushing in whence he had retreated, called down on himself Speaker's stern commentary that his remarks were "quite irrelevant."
Business done.—Report Stage of Employers' Liability Bill.
Tuesday.—To casual observer there is nothing in personal appearance of Ughtred Kay-Shuttleworth suggestive of the Tartar. Yet to-night Sir Ellis Ashmead Bart(lett), going a hunting on the Treasury Bench preserves, bagged Secretary to Admiralty and found he had caught a Tartar. Ashmead, in his self-asserted character of Britannia's Confidential Clerk, tried to draw Ughtred on subject of Naval Scare. Shuttleworth, with manner that combined severity of a magistrate with benignity of a dean, managed to present Ashmead in aspect of fussy person who, having had some official knowledge, in whatever subordinate position, ought to have been able to restrain the self-assertiveness that led him to put such a question. House, which does not do credit to The Bart(lett)'s many sterling qualities, roared with delight. Stung to quick, Ashmead up again; shouted across table, "I ask the right hon. gentleman whether he can give me any evidence of his being alive——" House, struck with evidence to that effect just given, broke in with fresh roar of laughter. Ashmead stood glaring round at merry circle. When noise subsided, continued: "——any evidence of his being alive to the importance of his duties?" More laughter. Ashmead appealed to Speaker to reprimand Kay-Shuttleworth. Speaker justified Minister's action. One more attempt; one more rebuff; and Ashmead subsided for the night, not quite sure after all that silence isn't golden. At least it used to bring in £1000 a year.
Business done.—A good deal with the Employers' Liability Bill.
Tommy Bowles and the Pilot.
Wednesday.—Another quiet sitting with Employers' Liability Bill. Cap'en Tommy Bowles, respectfully removing his tarpaulin, and shifting his quid, relieved dullness of afternoon by some capital yarns. One drew a vivid picture of dangers that lurk behind the casual pilot. On a dark night in midsummer Cap'en Tommy, a-sailing down the coast of Barbaree, came upon what looked like a town. Turned out to be Algiers; hauled down his main yard; ran out the topgallantsail spanker, and bore down on the harbour. Just as he was entering was boarded by pilot.
"Sheer off!" says Tommy through his polyglot speaking-trumpet. "Don't want your help; know every rock and shoal on the coast; will take the ship in myself."
Pilot produced from lining at back of his trousers Code of Regulations; this set forth that pilot was compulsory. Nothing to do but submit, unless he would involve Great Britain in war. Pilot came aboard; took charge; forged ahead; just going to run ship on breakwater when Tommy's keen eye perceived danger.
"Sir," said the only Member of House of Commons who, since Big Ben's death, holds a sea captain's certificate, "I took my ship out of the pilot's hand, and brought her in safely."
House uproariously cheered, and Frank Lockwood went off and drew a sketch of the historical scene.
Business done.—More of Employers' Liability Bill.
Thursday.—Government in difficulties to-night. Cherchez la femme. Walter M'Laren had her in charge; a modest little thing, merely asking that women, whether married or single, should be enabled to vote at election of Parish Councils. House not very full; no danger anticipated; but Conservatives joined their forces with Radicals below gangway, and before Ministers quite knew where they were they found themselves in minority of twenty-one.
"Winged!" cried Admiral Borthwick. "The Fowler went out shooting, and comes home shot."
"Winged!"
Suggestion made that Government should resign; Mr. G. only smiled.
Spiteful little thing Rentoul said just now. Supporting amendment to Employers' Liability Bill he remarked "Gentlemen who sit on this side of the House are in favour of the amendment; gentlemen who sit on the other side of the House equally approve it; whilst Sir Albert Rollit, who sits on every side of the House, does not object to it."
Business done.—Employers' Liability Bill reported; Government defeated; got into Committee on Parish Councils Bill.
Friday.—Rather painful scene to-night between Sydney Buxton and Sage of Queen Anne's Gate. Sage, ever thirsting for knowledge, wanted to know much about Matabeleland. Drafted a long string of questions addressed to Under Secretary for Colonies.
"Unfounded assumptions," Buxton, in the pride of office, characterised these simple interrogatories. The Sage, insatiable for information, desires to have the unfounded assumptions particularised. Buxton referred Members to the question.
"But why," asked the Sage, with tremble and pathos in his voice, "did you call them unfounded assumptions?"
Affected by this spectacle of genuine emotion, Buxton proposed to substitute for the obnoxious word milder form "unproved."
"Yes," said the Sage, sticking to his point; "but you said unfounded." No use Buxton attempting to deny this; lapsed into embarrassed silence; probably will be more careful in future.
Business done.—Very little of Parish Councils Bill.
A COCKNEY ON A GREAT COLLECTION.
[We are informed that Prince Lucien Bonaparte's unique library of some 25,000 volumes, included "a complete set of Punch" preserved presumably by the Prince for the specimens of "Cockney dialect which it contains.">[
Jest fancy a Prince Bonyparty sech nuts upon patter and slang!
Proves a Prince may be fly to wot's wot, and of chat as is chat 'ave the 'ang.
Lor bless yer, this Lucyun, 'e knowed all the cackles as ever was chinned.
I'll wager as 'e wos aweer as a Billingsgit Pheasant is finned!
He'd got Solomon's song in Tyke lingo! A pity 'e didn't know me!
I'd ha' run it off into back slang, and ha' done it most willing and free.
'Cos a Prince and a Frenchy at that, as appreshiates Punch, and my patter,
Is a precious sight smarter than some "Cockney" criticks, and that's wot's the matter!
So bully for Prince Bonyparty! When weighed in 'e's well hup to scale;
And if them books come to the 'ammer, wy 'Arry means seeing the sale!
|
Transcriber's Note:
Page 244: Removed extrraneous 'not'.
"and do not follow the senseless fashion of dressing ..."
The correction listed below is also indicated in the text by a dashed line at the appropriate place: Move the mouse over the word, and the original text appears. Page 252: 'embarassed' corrected to 'embarrassed'. "... lapsed into embarrassed silence;" |