THE CABMAN'S GUIDE TO POLITENESS.—No. I.

(In short, easy Lessons, arranged after the fashion of the Child's Handbook to Useful Knowledge.)

Question. I suppose your chief desire is to make as much out of the public as possible?
Answer. I suppose it is.
Q. And you will be as glad to attain your object by politeness as by any other method?
A. Well, of course it don't matter to me how I get the coin, so long as I do get it.
Q. Precisely. Well, have you ever tried to be polite?
A. Never. Don't know exactly what the word represents.
Q. So I thought. Well, I will attempt to teach you its meaning by example.
A. Thank you; so long as it helps me, and don't hurt you, what's the odds?
Q. Certainly; I see that you have some rudimentary knowledge of the matter already. Well, to begin. Suppose a fare gave you less than what you considered your right charge, how would you behave?
A. If a policeman wasn't in the way, I should say "What's this?" and glare at him indignantly.
Q. Have you found this a successful method of obtaining an increase?
A. Well, no, not much. Of course if you get an old lady, or a mother with a heap of children, you can do almost anything with them.
Q. But let us take a smart cavalry officer, who knows his way about town, do you think the method you suggest would be successful with him?
A. No, I don't; but no cavalry officer who was really smart would offer me less than my fare.
Q. But we are assuming that there may be some question about the fare. For instance, what would you consider the right charge from Charing Cross railway-station to the St. James's Theatre?
A. Why, eighteen pence, to be sure, and a cheap eighteen pence in the bargain.
Q. Your computation of the charge will suit my purpose. Of course, you know that the police put the distance at something less than two miles, I may say considerably less?
A. I daresay they do, but the police are not everybody, and you said I was not to consider the constables if they weren't on the spot. If they were, of course that would make a difference.
Q. Assume you get a shilling. Now suppose you were to look at the coin, and to say, "I beg your pardon, Sir, but are you aware this shilling is a George the Fourth, or a well-preserved William the Fourth, or an early Victoria, would you not like to exchange it for one of less historical interest?" Do you not think that such a speech, with a civil touch of the hat, would immediately attract attention?
A. It might, but I can't say for certain, as I have never tried it.
Q. I did not suppose that you had. Do you not believe that were you to make such a remark your kind consideration would receive attention?
A. Quite as likely as not, but what then?
Q. Well, having established yourself on a friendly footing, could you not improve the occasion by adding, "I do not know whether you are aware of the fact, Sir, but I frequently receive eighteen pence for the very distance you have just travelled?"
A. Of course I could, but what good would it be?
Q. That you will probably find out if you act on my suggestion, and now, as I have taught you enough for to-day, I will adopt a driver's phrase and "pull up." Have you anything polite to say to me which will prove to me that you have been bettered by my instruction?
A. Nothing that I can think of, unless it be, "Thank you for nothing."
Q. That is scarcely the reply I had expected. However, do not be disheartened, to thank me at all is a move in the right direction. And now you will come again?
A. Well, yes, when I have nothing better to do.
Q. I am infinitely obliged to you. I will detain you no longer. Good-bye, and I hope you will adopt my method and find it successful.
A. I hope so, too. But there's no telling.