HOW NOT TO DO IT.
(Act from a Farce ready for Performance pending the settlement of the Labour Question.)
Scene—Interior of a Provided Work Office. Benevolent Organiser discovered looking over a list.
Ben. Org. Yes, I think this will do very well indeed. New pump, fresh road. Ought to keep them going comfortably through the rest of the winter. (Enter Unemployed.) Well, my good man, and what do you want?
Unemployed (in a whining tone). Me and my mates, Sir, are out of work. It's no fault of ours, and——
Ben. Org. Well, we will see what we can do.
Unem. Thankee kindly, Sir, I'm sure 'arf a sufferin, or even 'arf a dollar——
Ben. Org. (ignoring this suggestion). Now, let me see—what's your trade?
Unem. A watch-maker. So you see, as the Press says, you can't send me to mend roads, or build pumps.
Ben. Org. No, no. I have overlooked your class. But stay—I think I can forward you to a friend. Let me see, what time is it? (Produces watch, and lets it fall.) Dear me! It has stopped, as I live! (With vivacity.) My dear fellow, here is a chance for you. You shall mend it.
Unem. (freshening up). Only too pleased to take your watch.
[Possesses himself of the time-piece, and exit hurriedly.
Enter Constable with Unemployed in custody.
Constable. This your watch, Sir?
Unem. (rapidly). Which was given to me by the kind gentleman to mend. But I gladly return it, as me and my mates have determined not to do any more work for fear that we should injure our brothers who are doing nothing. [Exit.
Constable. Lucky I kept my eye upon him, Sir. If I hadn't, you would never have seen him again—nor your watch either.
Ben. Org. Is there so much guile in the world?
Con. Yes, Sir, a pretty fine lot. But I can't stand palavering or those rowdies loafing around will pull the house about our ears. When the Unemployed are idle, the police have enough to do! Ponder over it, Sir; ponder over it! [Curtain, and Ben. Organiser left pondering.
A Vell Vorn Motto.—In his sound and sensible reply to a congratulatory address, H.E. Cardinal Vaughan suggested "Amare et servire" as the motto for the Christian capitalist. To the first verb the capitalist would, it is probable, make no objection; but as to the second, he would be inclined to move as an amendment, that, "for 'i' in servire should be substituted 'a'." At all events, Amare et servare is the narrower view taken on the broader of the two roads in life.
Author! Author!—Mr. J. L. Toole advertises that in consequence of "the Phenomenal Success" of Walker—London, it is to be kept going throughout the season. Excellent. But, for the sake of Mr. J. M. Barrie, its talented author, it is to be hoped that the conditions of the performance of his popular play are not "fee nominal." But for this J. L. T.—which initials stand for Jenerous Lavish Toole—will have already made ample provision.
