QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS FOR A CRIMINAL COLLEGE.
(Suitable for Use at the Prison University, Elmira.)
Question. What is a crime?
Answer. A discovered breach of the law.
Q. And a virtue?
A. Its antithesis—the same thing unsuspected.
Q. What should be the chief occupation of a criminal?
A. A serious study of the law, with a view to its successful evasion.
Q. Is there a law for the rich and a law for the poor?
A. Certainly not; but a well-feed Q.C. is more than a match for a briefless Counsel whose professional sustenance is "soup."
Q. What is now generally considered to be the highest line of crime?
A. The malpractice that is frequently inseparable from holding of important positions on the Boards of bogus public Companies.
Q. What is necessary to secure a livelihood out of burglary?
A. A clear head, a knowledge of chemistry and kindred subjects, and a fair amount of capital.
Q. Why is ready money necessary?
A. Because the calling of a burglar nowadays is attended by various compulsory expenses. A successful burglar should be able to purchase skeleton-keys and "jemmies" of the most exquisite and delicate quality. Moreover, he should be able to entertain largely, and to keep a yacht.
Q. Is swindling ever known to be legal?
A. Scarcely; still it can often be practised with impunity on the Stock Exchange and the Turf.
Q. Is petty larceny lawful?
A. Only when practised on the belongings of your wife, and even in this case it is well to keep her in ignorance of the provisions of the Married Woman's Property Act.
Q. What are the advantages of a sojourn in the newly organised Elmira establishment?
A. An inmate is taught a trade, or even a profession.
Q. And now, in conclusion, considering that a breach of the law is necessary to secure admission to the University, what would you consider the most appropriate motto for the Institution?
A. "Honesty is not (at first) the best policy."
"Back us Up!"—It is stated that, on the new School Board for the Henley-in-Arden district, a Mr. H. Bacchus has been elected. May Bacchus (and the classic "fat venison") never be absent from this Board! Probably, nowadays, Bacchus is a strong supporter of the Temperance Movement, if not himself a Total Abstainer.