No. IX.—PARISH COUNCILS.
(Scene and Persons as usual.)
Inquirer (to himself, as he reads his paper). Well, I'm dashed! What the blue blazes does all this stuff mean?
First Well-informed Man (to Second W. I. M., in a tone of pitying good-humour, mixed with conscious superiority). He's got started on his usual morning puzzle.
Inquirer (with asperity). Oh, it's all very well for you two chaps to sneer. You're both older than I am, and, as you've been about more, you ought to know more. Anyhow, I like to find out about things, and, when I don't know, I ask those who do.
First W. I. M. (not unkindly). Well, well, never mind all that. You know I don't mind telling you anything. I really didn't mean to sneer. What's your difficulty?
Inquirer. It's all about this Parish Councils Bill.
First W. I. M. What about it?
Inquirer (hopelessly). What does it mean? What is a Parish Councils Bill?
First W. I. M. Oh, well, you know, a Parish Councils Bill is——well, it's a Bill for giving Parish Councils.
Inquirer. Yes—but whom are they going to give them to?
First W. I. M. Why, to the Parishes, of course.
Inquirer. Ah! (Continues reading. A puzzled frown settles on his face.) But why can't the Parishes make their own Councils, without all this fuss in Parliament? Couldn't every Parish simply say, "I'm going to have a Council," and just start it straight away?
First W. I. M. My dear fellow, you know nothing can be done without an Act of Parliament.
Inquirer. But they call this a Bill, not an Act.
First W. I. M. It's only another way of saying the same thing. A Bill or an Act—it's all one.
Second W. I. M. No, it isn't.
First W. I. M. I'll lay you a couter it is.
Second W. I. M. Done!
First W. I. M. Well, what do you (withering emphasis) say is the difference?
Second W. I. M. When the House of Commons brings anything in, it's a Bill, and when the House of Lords does it, it's an Act. Pay up!
First W. I. M. Not I. That's precisely what I meant, only you wouldn't give me time to say it. Why, that's the A B C of politics.
Second W. I. M. Seems to take a lot of learning, anyway.
[A pause.
Inquirer (returning to his point). But look here. What have they brought the Parish Councils Bill in for? I thought we'd all got County Councils all over the place.
First W. I. M. (slapping him warmly on the back). My dear chap, you've just hit the nail plumb on the right head. That's what I've said all along. The whole country's being simply ruined with all these blessed Councils. Every man will have to be his own Council before long, if they go on making Councils at this rate.
Second W. I. M. Well, anyhow, your beautiful Conservative Government, that you were so dashed proud of, started the business.
First W. I. M. (indignantly). I deny it.
Second W. I. M. Deny away. Perhaps you'll tell me that Lord Beaconsfield didn't set the County Councils going?
First W. I. M. Ah, but those were quite different County Councils. Why, they weren't even called Councils; they were called Boards.
Second W. I. M. They may have been called Boards, but they're called Councils now, and that's enough for me. Anyhow, don't you see (furtively consults newspaper and quotes) that "Parish Councils are the logical and necessary development of the scheme of County Government left imperfect by the Conservatives"?
First W. I. M. No. I don't see it at all.
Second W. I. M. Well, then, how do you propose to root the agricultural population in the soil? You must admit——
First W. I. M. I don't admit anything—at least, I won't until you tell me how a Parish Council is going to root anybody, let alone an agricultural labourer, in anything. There's too much mollycoddling of these agricultural labourers, that's what I say.
Second W. I. M. (doggedly). You're always talking about agricultural depression and hard times for those that live on the land, and you won't lift a finger to help them when you get the chance. If we give these chaps Parish Councils, they can all get allotments, and then of course (quotes again) "we shall multiply the productive power of the land tenfold."
First W. I. M. What have allotments got to do with Parish Councils?
Second W. I. M. Everything.
First W. I. M. (triumphant). Then how do you account for my Uncle's coachman having an allotment at this very moment? He's had it for years, long before anybody even heard of Parish Councils.
Second W. I. M. That exactly proves my point. It's just because he isn't an agricultural labourer that he's been able to get it. What we want to do is to level up.
Inquirer. But there aren't any agricultural labourers in my parish; at least, I never heard of any. How are they going to manage about that?
Second W. I. M. They'll send you some from somewhere else. That's what they call migration.
[Terminus.
Inquirer. I thought birds did that.