POLITICS AND POLITENESS.
Dear Mr. Punch,—I see that the Duke of Argyll, when he received the freedom of the Burgh of Paisley, the other day, told the following interesting story:—
"I was going once to call on a lady in London, and when the door was opened and the servant announced my name, I saw the lady advancing to the door with a look of absolute consternation on her face. I could not conceive what had happened, and thought I had entered her room at some inconvenient moment, but, on looking over her shoulder, I perceived Mr. and Mrs. Gladstone sitting at the tea-table, and she evidently thought that there would be some great explosion when we met. She was greatly gratified when nothing of the kind occurred, and we enjoyed a cup of tea as greatly as we had ever done in our lives."
Now, my dear Mr. Punch, I have great sympathy with "the Lady," and think (with her) the meeting, as described by his Grace of Argyll, was mild in the extreme. If something out of the common had taken place, it would have been far more satisfactory. To make my meaning plainer, I give roughly (in dramatic form) what should have happened to have made the action worthy of the occasion.
Scene—A Drawing-room. Lady entertaining Mr. and Mrs. G. at tea. A loud knock heard without.
Mrs. G. (greatly agitated). Oh dear, I am sure it is he!
Mr. G. (with calm dignity). Do not fear—if he appears, I shall know how to deal with him.
Lady (pale but calm). Nay, my good, kind friends, believe me, you shall not suffer from the indiscretion of the servant.
Mrs. G. (pushing her husband into a cupboard). Nay, William, for my sake! And now to conceal myself, so that he may not suspect his presence by my proximity. [Hides behind the curtains.
The Duke of Argyll (breaking open the door, and entering hurriedly). And now, Madam, where is my hated foe? I have tracked him to this house. It is useless to attempt to conceal him.
The Lady (laughing uneasily). Nay, your Grace, you are too facetious! Trace the Premier here! Next you will be saying that he and his good lady were taking tea with me.
The Duke (suspiciously). And, no doubt, so they were! This empty cup, that half-devoured muffin—to whom do they belong?
The Lady (with forced gaiety). Might I not have entertained Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Chamberlain, my Lord Duke?
The Duke (aside). Can I believe her? (Aloud.) But if it is as you say, I will send away my clansmen who throng the street without. (Opens window and calls.) Gang a waddy Caller Herring! They will now depart. (A sneeze heard off.) What was that?
The Lady (terrified). I fancy it was the wind—the cold wind—and now, believe me, Mr. Gladstone will abandon Home Rule.
Mr. G. (suddenly appearing). Never! I tell you to your face that you are a traitor! [Sneezes, and hurriedly closes the window.
The Duke (savagely). That sneeze shall be your last![Takes up a knife lying on the table.
Mr. G. (repeating the action). I am ready, Sir!
Mrs. G. (rushing between them). Oh, William! Do not fight!
The Lady (falling on her knees). I prithee stay!
Mr. G. Never! May the better man win!
The Duke. So be it![The Scene closes in upon a desperate duel. Curtain.
There, Mr. Punch! What do you think of that? Still, perhaps, under the circumstances of the case, it is better as it is.
Yours most truly,
One who never Paid Twopence for Manners.