EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, May 8.—"What a day we are having, to be sure!" said Chamberlain, rubbing his hands and smiling delightedly. Things certainly pretty lively to begin with; just got into Committee on Home-Rule Bill; Charlie (my Darling) was to have opened Debate with Amendment on first line of First Clause; but, as he subsequently explained to sympathetic Committee, he was weighed down with feeling of diffidence. House, touched with this unusual weakness on part of Member for Deptford, readily accepted volunteered service of Chamberlain, who undertook to say a few words on another Amendment whilst Darling was recovering.
No diffidence about Joseph. As he observed in stormiest epoch of sitting, he was as cool as a cucumber. "A cucumber with full allowance of vinegar and pepper," Squire of Malwood added, in one of those asides with which he varies the silence of Treasury Bench. Well there was someone at that temperature. Committee, take it all together, in volcanic mood. Peculiarity of situation, as Saunderson put it, with some mixing of metaphor, was that "it was the cucumber that kept the pot a-boiling." Whenever any sign of placidity was visible, Joseph sure to appear on scene, rub someone's hair the wrong way, or stir up some slumbering lion with long pole.
"Ever stop to watch the Punch show in the streets, Toby?" said Plunket. "No, I suppose not; rather personal; recall days before you went into politics. Confess I always do; been chuckling just now over idea that here we have the whole thing played out. There's Mr. Punch in person of Mr. G. Up comes a head, Grandolph's, or someone else's; down comes the baton in the form of the Closure. Everyone supposes that Law and Order are established and things will go smoothly, when suddenly up springs Joey, cool as a cucumber, and upsets everything again. There's nothing new under the sun, not even proceedings in obstruction of Home-Rule Bill."
After dinner Solicitor-General discovered seated on Treasury Bench. A great thirst for speech from him suddenly afflicted Opposition. Mr. G. spoke, and John Morley moved the Closure, but nothing would satisfy them save speech from Rigby. Pauses in conversation were filled by cries upon his name. He sat unresponsive, looking wiser than ever, but still unspeakably wise.
Darling's Amendment got rid of with assistance of Closure. Grandolph rushed in; hotly moved to report progress. Only ten o'clock; two hours more before Debate adjourned. This merrily filled up with divisions, shouting, and scenes. Grandolph's motion to Report Progress being negatived on division. Prince Arthur moved that Chairman leave the Chair, division on which just tided Committee over twelve o'clock, without chance of doing more work.
"I feel twelve years younger," said Grandolph, coming in from last division. "Reminds me of first Session of 1880 Parliament, when we sat below Gangway there, and bandied about these alternative resolutuions, me moving to Report Progress; then, when we came back again, Wolffy, Gorst, or sometimes, to give the boy a turn, Prince Arthur moved that Chairman leave the Chair. That was long before he came into his princedom. House of Commons pretty dull these six years back. After all, it's the same old place, and, if we give our mind to it, we can have the same old game."
Business done.—Got into Committee on Home Rule Bill.
Thursday.—Noisiest evening we have enjoyed since Parliament elected. Peculiarity of situation was that everybody, not excluding Chairman of Committees, strenuously anxious to preserve order. Quiet enough till Chamberlain appeared on scene, then followed the ordinary cool-cucumbery results. Tim Healy torn with anxiety that Joseph should limit himself strictly to Motion before Committee. Sort of triangular duel; Joseph at corner Bench below Gangway to right of Chair; Tim in corresponding position opposite; Mellor in (and out of) Chair; all three on their feet simultaneously; Committee assisting in general desire for peace and order by tumultuous shouting. Tim fired furiously at Joseph; Joseph answered shot for shot; Chairman pegged away alternately at both.
"Joey up again!" Scene from the Parliamentary Show.
Then Grandolph, finding temptation irresistible, romped in. "I move," he said, "that the words be taken down." Very well; quite so; but what words? The Chamber was full of words, surging like the waters at Lodore. Which particular ones would Grandolph like taken down? Turned out that his desire centred upon almost the only words that had not been uttered. "I distinctly heard the Member for Louth say, 'You are knocked up.'" So Grandolph solemnly declared, standing at table.
Mr. J. G. L-ws-n, having found in a dictionary the Irish word for "a House of Commons," obliges:—
In Irish, I will sing it clear,
There's a name for the House which you shall hear.
(Spoken) Which is
(Sings) "Riaz-na-Nuaral"-tooral-looral
Ri-az tolooral ri do!
[Chorus everybody.
Whilst Irish Members popped up like parched peas on Benches below Gangway, Chamberlain took opportunity of looking over his notes, and Chairman, standing at table, forlornly wrung his hands, Tim Healy sat a model of Injured Innocence. As it turned out he, by rare chance, had not spoken at all. This made clear upon testimony of Macartney and Johnston of Ballykilbeg. What Tim felt most acutely was, not being thus groundlessly charged with disorderly speech, but that Grandolph, for whom he has a warm respect, should imagine that if he had an observation to offer in the circumstances, it would be one so frivolously harmless as that cited. To observe to somebody "You are knocked up," might, with tone of commiseration thrown in, be a friendly, almost an affectionate, remark. Why the words, if uttered at all, should be taken down, no one could even guess. Tim sat in deep dejection, overborne by this unexpected and undeserved contumely. Parched-pea business on Benches round him became contagious; Mellor up and down in the Chair with corresponding motion; Swift MacNeill shouting something at top of his voice; Ross rising to explain; Johnston of Ballykilbeg actually explaining; Macartney saying something; Tommy Bowles, not to be out of it, moving that somebody else's words be taken down. At length, in comparative lull in storm, Chairman adroitly signalled to Chamberlain, who continued his speech. Members, generally, gratefully availed themselves of his interposition to take their breath.
"Do you know, Toby, what this reminds me of?" said Earl Spencer, looking down on turbulent scene from Peers' Gallery. "Carries me back to boyhood's days, and what used to happen when, in temporary absence of head-master, French usher took charge of the school."
J. G. Lawson, on spending time in Library, looking up native name for proposed Legislative Assembly in Dublin. Found what it used to be called when Brian was King; written name down, tries to pronounce it. Tim Healy says, as far as he can make out, Lawson is speaking Welsh; it is suggested that Chairman shall put Question. Mellor says he's quite enough to do to put Amendments in English; declines to attempt the Irish. Lawson withdraws, using awful language, which he insists is Irish. It sounds even worse.
Business done.—Blusterous.
