WAITING FOR THE PROCESSIONS.
(A Reminiscence of the Opening of the Imperial Institute.)
Scene—The Hyde Park South Road, opposite the Cavalry Barracks.
Closely-packed ranks of Sightseers have formed in front of the long line of unharnessed carriages under the trees. Outside this line the feebler folk, who invariably come on such occasions, and never find the courage to trust themselves in the crowd, are wistfully wandering, in the hope of procuring a place by some miraculous interposition.
Lament of Feeble Females. I told you how it would be—not the slightest use staying here!... I can't see anything except a lamp-post and the top of a soldier's bearskin!... We might just as well have stopped at home! (Viciously.) Where all the people come from, I don't know! I'm sure we were here early enough!
Comments by Feeble Males. No—not much to be seen where we are, certainly, but—um—I don't know that we're likely to do better anywhere else.... Not the least good attempting to get in there. Well, we can try lower down, of course, but it'll be just the same. They ought to arrange these things better!
[They drift on discontentedly.
The Self-Helper (squeezing between the wheels, and elbowing himself past the people who have been standing patiently there for hours).
By your leave—'ere, just allow me to pass, please. Thenk you. One moment, Mum. "No right to push in 'ere," 'aven't I? I've as much right as what you 'ave. Think the ole Park b'longs to you, I suppose? You orter 'ave a space roped in a-purpose for you, you ought! Tork about selfishness!
[He arrives triumphantly in the foremost row, and obtains the tolerance, if not the sympathy, of all who are not near enough to be inconvenienced by his presence.
Contented People in the Crowd.
Oh, we shall do well enough 'ere. They'll put their sunshades down when the Queen passes ... I can ketch a view between the 'eads like. And you don't get the sun under the trees ... Sha'n't have much longer to wait now. She'll be starting in another arf hour—(&c., &c.)
A Lady in a Landau (to her husband). I don't think we could have done better, Horace—we shall see everything; and it's quite amusing to be close to the crowd, and hear their remarks—much nicer than being in one of the Stands!
[Her self-congratulations are cut short by the arrival of three Humorous Artisans, who have taken a day off, and are in the highest animal spirits.
Joe (first Humorous Artisan). You shove in first, Bill—push along, Joe; there's room for three little 'uns! Don't you mind about me—I'll git up 'ere, and see over your 'eds.
[He mounts on one of the front wheels of the landau, and holds on by the lamp.)
I can see proper where I am. There's a lady fainted down there!
Bill (the leading Buffoon of the Party). I wonder if she's got any money. If she 'as, I'll go and 'elp 'er!
Joe. She's all right now. The ambulance 'as come up—they're standin' 'er on 'er 'ed!
The Lady in the Landau (in an undertone). Horace, we can't have this horrible man here—do make him get down!
Horace (to Joe). Here, I say, my friend, don't you think you'd be more comfortable somewhere else?—that wheel is—er—not exactly the place——
Joe. No offence, Guv'nor. Yer see, I ain't brought out my brawm to-day, 'cos I'm 'avin' it varnished, and——
Bill. Why, don't yer see, Joe?—the lady's put 'er 'usband up to invitin' you on the box-seat of 'er kerridge!—it all comes o' bein so good lookin'—but take care what yer about, or your missus may come by and ketch yer—which'll be unpleasant for all parties!
Joe (to the owner of the Landau, with easy affability). It's very 'orspitable of you and your good lady, Mister, but I'm very well where I am—if I should want to set down later on, I'll tell yer. (To Bill.) I can't think what they all see in me. I don't encourage 'em!
The Lady (in a rapid whisper). No, Horace, for goodness sake don't—you'll only make them worse—we must put up with it. (They do.)
Bill (affecting to recognise an imaginary friend across the road). 'Ullo, if there ain't little Alexander! I knoo 'e'd be 'ere. What cher, Alec, ole pal?
Joe (playing up to him). Ah, and there goes Jack Gayner! You can spot 'im anywhere by 'is eye-glass.
Bill. That's ole Jack all over, that is. 'E wouldn't come out—not on a day like this—without a eyeglass, Jack wouldn't. If it 'ad ha' bin a Saturday now, 'e'd ha' 'ad two, to see 'is way 'ome by. (A gorgeous official passes on horseback.) There y'ar—there's Dan Leno. Way oh, Danny!
Dick. It's time 'Er Most Gracious come along, if she's goin' to keep 'er character. If she don't make 'aste, I shan't 'ave time to get 'alf a pint afore I go 'ome!
Bill (sentimentally). Ah, if she on'y knoo the anxious arts she's causin'! 'Ullo, see that bloke tryin' to climb up on the wall there? If I was one o' them sojers, I'd draw my sword and do a noble deed against 'im, I would. He wouldn't want to set down on no wall arter I'd done with him!
[By this time the two have secured a delighted audience—of which they are fully conscious.
Joe. Time's very near up. 'Er Majesty ain't 'urryin 'erself.
Bill (magnanimously). Never mind. Now I am 'ere, I'll stop 'Er time. I shouldn't like 'Er to feel that there was somethink wantin' to the success of the perceedins. They say Royalty never forgets a face!
Joe (with the candour of intimacy). She won't see enough o' yours to forgit, ole feller—you ain't used much o' Pears' Soap this mornin', you ain't!
She's costed me a deal already!"
Bill (in nowise pained by this personality—which is only too well founded). Ah, it 'ud take "Monkey Brand" and Fuller's Earth to git it all orf o' me! (There is a stir in the crowd; a Mounted Police-sergeant trots past). There's somethink up now. They're comin'. I will 'oller when the Queen passes. She's costed me a deal already, but she ain't got all the money. I got three 'apence of it in my pocket—though, come to think of it, three 'apence laid out in pots o' four ale among three with thusts for thirty and loyalty laid on 'ot and cold all over the premises—why, it don't go so bloomin' fur, and don't you forgit it!
Dick. 'Ere come the Life Guards! smart lookin' lot o' chaps, ain't they?
Bill (philosophically). Ah, and when they done their time, them fellers'll be glad to turn to plarsterin' or wood-choppin'—anythink to gain their liveli'ood by. There's the Royalties. I can see the people wavin' their 'ankerchiefs—them that's got em. I want to wave somethink—'ere, lend me your bacco-pipe, will yer.
[An open carriaqe passes, containing personages in uniform.
Dick. 'Oo'll that lot be?
Bill. Why, that's the Markiss o' Brickdust—don't yer know 'im? And the one in front is the Dook o' Drippin'. Look at 'im a larfin. Ain't 'e a gay ole chicking? 'Ere's some more o' them.
The Crowd. That is the Dook o' Cambridge. No, it ain't—that was 'im in the fust kerridge. Go on—that was the Edingboros!... Why, I tell yer, I see 'is white whiskers! There's the Princess May! Which? 'Ooray! Lor, it's no good 'oorayin' now—she's gone by long ago. Well, I am glad I've seen 'er, any'ow! Who are them in the white 'elmets? Ostralians, I fancy. No, they ain't—they're Canadians. Then who is it in the fancy dress, with slouch 'ats an' feathers on? Forriners o' some sort. Ain't them Indians dressed up fine? Here come the creams. Now we shall see 'Er!
Bill (with enthusiasm). Brayvo! Sanger's ain't in it! 'Ooray, 'ooray! Lor, I could do with a ap'ny ice! Did yer see 'Er, Joe? I caught 'Er Royal eye, I did. She didn't bow—'cos we ain't on those terms—but she tipped me a wink, ser much as to say, "'Ullo, Bill, ole feller, 'ow is it you ain't in the Institoot?" Quite forgittin' she never sent me no ticket. But there, I dessay she's lots to think about!
Joe (to the occupants of the Landau). You'll excuse me leavin' yer for a bit, just to git a drink, won't yer? I'll be back in time to see 'em return—if yer won't mind keepin' my place.
[Exit, leaving them glaring in speechless indignation.
The Crowd (breaking up). Oh, I see it beautiful! She did look pleased, didn't she? I didn't notice partickler. I was lookin' at the Percession.... Come along, that's all there is to be seen.... Where's that silly ole man got to? I told 'im to be 'ere under this tree; he wants more lookin' after than any—oh, 'ere you are! Well, you should ha' kept along with us, and you'd ha' seen well enough! It was a pity our leavin' the whisky at 'ome—'tain't often I come out without it—and on a warm day like this, a drop 'ud ha' done us all good!
A Loyal Old Lady. Ah, depend upon it, this Imperial Institoot 'ull do good to Trade. Why, there's one o' them men with the iced lemonade cans sold out a'ready!