ANOTHER SCENE AT THE PLAY.
(That never should be tolerated.)
Scene—Auditorium of a Fashionable Theatre. Vast majority of the audience deeply interested in the action and dialogue of an excellent piece. Enter a party of Lady Emptyheads into a Private Box.
First Emptyhead (taking off her wraps). I told you there was no necessity to hurry away from dinner. You see they are getting on very well without us.
Second Empt. (seating herself in front of the box). Yes. And it's so much pleasanter to chat than to listen. This piece, they tell me, is full of clever dialogue—so satisfactory to people who like that sort of thing.
Third Empt. (looking round the house with an opera-glass). Why scarcely a soul in the place we know. Well, I suppose everybody is leaving town. Stay, is that Mrs. Evergreen Toffy?
Fourth Empt. (also using her glasses). Why, yes. I wish we could make her see us.
First Empt. Haven't you noticed that you never can attract attention when you want to? Isn't it provoking?
Second Empt. Oh, terribly; and there is Captain Dashalong. Why, I thought he was at Aldershot.
Third Empt. Oh, they always give them leave about this time of the year.
Rest of Audience (sternly). Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h!
Fourth Empt. I wonder what's the piece about.
Third Empt. Oh, it doesn't in the least matter. Sure to be sparkling. Do you like that woman's hair?
Fourth Empt. Scarcely. It's the wrong shade. How can people make such frights of themselves!
First Empt. I wonder if this is the Second Act, or the First!
Third Empt. What does it matter! I never worry about a piece, for I know I shall see all about it afterwards in the papers.
Rest of Audience (with increased sternness). Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h!
Second Empt. I always come to this theatre because the chairs are comfortable. What is the good of going to the play unless you can enjoy yourself?
Third Empt. Quite so. And it's much better fun without one's husband, isn't it?
First Empt. Of course. I never bring mine, because he always goes to sleep! So disrespectful to the actresses and actors!
Second Empt. Yes. Of course, one ought to listen to what's going on, even if you don't care what it's all about.
Fourth Empt. Quite so. Not that it isn't pleasant to look round the house.
Rest of Audience (angrier than ever). Hush! S-s-s-h-s-h!
Third Empt. Yes, I often think that this side of the curtain is quite as amusing as the other.
Fourth Empt. I wonder what they are doing on the stage? Oh, I see that the Act is nearly over! Well, I daresay it has been very amusing.
Rest of Audience (furious). Hush! Hush! Hush!
First Empt. There descends the curtain! By the way, what a noise those people in the pit have been making! I wonder what it was all about?
Second Empt. I haven't the faintest notion. However, when the play begins again, I hope they won't make any more noise. It is so disrespectful to the Audience.
First Empt. And the Company. Why can't people behave themselves in a theatre?
Second, Third, and Fourth Empt. (in chorus). Ah yes! Why can't they?
[Scene closes in upon a renewal of chatter upon the raising of the Curtain on another Act.
"Give a Day a Bad Name and——."—It is stated that the day of the disgraceful Donnybrook in the House of Commons has been nicknamed "Collar Day," because Mr. Hayes Fisher seized Mr. Logan by the collar, and Mr. Chamberlain "collared" Mr. O'Brien's table in the dining-room. This is all very well in its way, but would not "Choler Day" be more appropriate and intelligible?