UNDER THE ROSE.
(A Story in Scenes.)
Scene XIX.—The Drawing-room. Mrs. Toovey is still regarding Mr. Jannaway, after the manner of an elderly bird in the presence of a young and somewhat inexperienced serpent.
Mr. Toovey (coming to the rescue). Excuse me, young Sir, but I don't think you quite realise who that lady is. (With mild self-assertion.) She is my wife, Sir, my Wife! And she is not accustomed to being hunted all over Upper Tooting, or anywhere else!
Mr. Jannaway (to himself). I've got this dear lady on toast. I can see! But I mustn't do anything ungentlemanly or I may get the sack if the governor gets to hear of it. (Aloud.) If I'm mistaken I'm ready to apologise; but the lady bears such a really remarkable likeness to a Mrs. Tomkinson Jones, residing (so she gave me to understand) at The Laburnums, Upper Tooting, that——
Mrs. Toovey (finding her voice). I do not reside at Upper Tooting!
Mr. Jann. (in silky tones). Precisely so, Madam. No more does Mrs.—hem—Tomkinson Jones!
Charles. And is that the only point of resemblance between your friend Mrs. Jones and my Aunt, eh?
Mr. Jann. That's a matter of opinion, Sir. I've my own. But neither the lady nor yet myself are particularly likely to forget our meeting. It was only last Saturday evening, too!
Mr. Toov. Why, then you must have met Mrs. Toovey at the Zenana Mission Conference?
Mr. Jann. Well that isn't the name I know it by; but if the lady prefers it, why——
Mrs. Toov. (hoarsely). I—I deny having ever met the young man before, anywhere; that is, I—I don't remember doing so. Take him away!
Mr. Jann. I should be most averse, of course, to contradicting a lady, and I can only conclude that she is so much in the 'abit of fetching unoffending strangers what I may venture to term, if you'll permit the vulgarity, a slap in the jaw, that such a trifling circumstance makes no impression on her. It did on me!
Mr. Toov. (outraged). Young man! are you endeavouring to suggest that my wife goes about—er—administering "slaps in the jaw" to perfect strangers at Zenana meetings?
Mr. Jann. Pardon me, I said nothing whatever about any—er—Pyjama meetings. I don't know what may go on there, I'm sure. The incident I alluded to occurred at the Eldorado music-hall.
Mrs. Toov. (to herself). There; it's out at last! What have I done to deserve this?
Charles (to himself). The Eldorado! Why, Thea said——What can Aunt have been up to? She's got herself into the very deuce of a hole!
[Curphew and Althea exchange significant glances.
Mr. Toov. At the Eldorado? Now, do you know that's very singular—that really is very singular indeed! You're the second person who fancied Mrs. Toovey was there last Saturday evening! So that you see there must have been a lady there most extraordinarily like my wife!
Mrs. Toov. (to herself). Dear, good, simple Pa; he believes in me! After all, I've only to deny everything; he can't prove I was there! (Aloud.) Yes, Sir, and on a mere resemblance like that you have the audacity to bring these shameful charges against me—me! All you have succeeded in establishing is that you were in the music-hall yourself, and I doubt whether your employer would approve of a clerk of his spending his time in such places, if it came to his ears!
Mr. Jann. It's very kind of you to concern yourself on my account, Madam; but there's no occasion. It was Mr. Larkins himself gave me the ticket; so I'm not at all uneasy.
"Why, Cornelia, my love, so you've found your spectacles!"
Mr. Toov. Why, dear me, that must have been the ticket Mr. Curphew—I should say, Mr. Walter Wildfire—sent me. I remember I left it with Mr. Larkins in case he could find a use for it. So you were in my box; quite a coincidence, really!
Mr. Jann. As you say, Sir, and not the only one neither, seeing that——
Mrs. Toov. Pa, isn't it time this young man finished the business he came about, and went away? I am not accustomed to seeing my drawing-room made use of as an office!
Mr. Toov. (snatching up the transfer). By all means, my love. (To Mr. J.) Er, I really think we should be more comfortable in the study. There—there's a bigger inkstand.
[He leads the way to the door.
Mr. Jann. (following). As you please, Sir. (Turning at the door.) I must say I think I've been most cruelly misunderstood. If I've been anxious for the pleasure of meeting Mrs. Tomkinson Jones again, any revengeful motives or lowness of that description was far from my thoughts, my sole object being to restore a piece of property which the lady, whoever she may have been, left behind her, and which, as I 'appen to have brought it with me, would, if recognised, settle any question of identity on the spot. But that can wait for the present. Business first, pleasure afterwards!
[He goes out. A silence. Presently a succession of violent sniffs proceed from behind "The Quiver." All rise in concern.
Charles. I say, Aunt, you're not going to give way now, are you? That fellow hasn't frightened you?
Alth. (kneeling down and embracing Mrs. T.). Dearest mamma, don't you think you'd better tell us all about it? It was you who slapped that horrid little man's face—now, wasn't it? And serve him right!
Mrs. T. (in a burst). I took him for your father! Oh, what have I said? I never meant to admit anything! And what must you all think of me?
Curph. No one who has had the benefit of your opinions of music-halls or their entertainers, can possibly imagine you went to one with any idea of amusing yourself, Mrs. Toovey.
Mrs. Toov. (without heeding him). And Pa, what will he say? When I think of all the wicked stories I've had to tell that poor dear man! And after he once finds them out, there's an end of all his respect for me, all my influence over him, all my power in this house—everything! Why, for anything I can tell, Pa may actually believe I went to that detestable place on what (to Curphew) I suppose your friends would call the—the (utterly breaking down) Tee-hiddle-dy-hi!
Charles (after a highly suspicious fit of choking). Don't think there's any danger of that, Aunt; but look here, how if I went into the study and kicked that little cad out, eh?
Mrs. Toov. And have the whole affair in the police reports! You're a pretty solicitor, Charles! But Pa knows by now, and oh, what in the world am I to do?
Charles. Well, my dear Aunt, it sounds an immoral suggestion, but, as you seem to have given Uncle a—hem—slightly picturesque version of your doings last Saturday, hadn't you better stick to it?
Mrs. Toov. What's the use? Didn't you hear that wretch say he'd found something in the box? It's my spectacles, Charles; a pair in a Rob Roy tartan case, which Pa gave me himself, and couldn't help recognising! I remember now, I left them there, and——(The door opens.) They're coming back!
Mr. Toov. (entering). That's really a very honest young fellow, my love, nothing will satisfy him but bringing in the article he's found, and seeing whether it belongs to you or not.
Mrs. Toov. (breathlessly). And have you seen it, Pa—have you seen it?
Mr. Toov. Not yet, dear love, not yet. He's getting it out of his great coat in the hall.
Curph. (starting up from behind Althea). I think, if you will allow me, I'll go and speak to him first. It strikes me that I may know the lady who was in that box, and I'm naturally anxious to avoid any——
[He goes out.
End of Scene XIX.
Scene XX.—A few minutes later.
Mrs. Toov. (to herself, in a fever). Why doesn't he come back? What are those two plotting together? Oh, if Mr. Wildfire imagines he will get a hold over me, so as to obtain my consent to—— I'd sooner tell Pa everything! (To Curphew, who reenters, smiling.) W—where is—the other?
Curph. The other? Oh, he's gone. I made myself known to him; and you would have been surprised, my dear Mrs. Toovey, at the immense effect my professional name had upon him. When he realised I was Walter Wildfire he was willing to do anything for me, and so I easily got him to entrust his find to me.
Mr. Toov. (inquisitively). And what is it—a fan, or a glove? There would be no harm in showing it to us, eh?
Curph. Well, really, it's so very unlikely to compromise anybody that I almost think I might. Yes, there can't be any objection.
[He takes something out of his pocket, and presents it to Mr. T.
Mr. Toov. (mystified). Why, it's only a hairpin! What a scrupulously honest young man that is, to be sure!
Mrs. Toov. (relieved). Only a hairpin? (Then, uneasily, to Curph., in an undertone.) Where is—you know what? Have you kept it to use for your own advantage?
Curph. (in the same tone). I am a very bad man, I know; but I don't blackmail. You will find it behind the card-basket in the hall.
[Mrs. T. goes out; Alth. draws Curph. aside.
Alth. Clarence, I—I must know; how did you come to have a—a hairpin? where did it come from? (As he softly touches the back of her head.) Oh! it was mine, then? What a goose I am?
Mr. Toov. (as Mrs. T. returns). Why, Cornelia, my love, so you've found your spectacles! Now where did you leave them this time, my dear, eh?
Mrs. Toov. Where I shall not leave them again in a hurry, Theophilus!
Mr. Toov. Don't you be too sure of that, my love. By the way, Mr. Curphew, that lady of your acquaintance—you know, the one who made all this disturbance at the Eldorado—is she at all like Mrs. Toovey, now?
Curph. (after reflection). Well, really, there is a resemblance—at a distance!
Mr. Toov. (peevishly). Then it's annoying—very annoying; because it might compromise my poor dear wife, you know. I—I wish you could give her a quiet hint to—to avoid such places in future!
Curph. Do you know, Sir, I really think it will be quite unnecessary.
[Phœbe enters to announce dinner.
Mr. Toov. Dinner, eh? Yes, yes, dinner, to be sure. Mr. Curphew, will you take in my dau——(correcting himself)—oh, but, dear me, I was quite forgetting that—h'm!——
Curph. ——that Mrs. Toovey has been expressing an ardent impatience to close your doors on me for ever?
Mrs. Toov. (not over graciously). That was before—— I mean that—considering the manner in which we all of us seem to have been more or less mixed up with the music-hall of late—we can't afford to be too particular. If Mr. Wildfire chooses to stay, he will find as warm a welcome as—(with a gulp)—he can expect!
Curph. Many thanks, but I'm sure you see that I can't stay here on sufferance. If I do stay it must be as——
Mrs. T. As one of the family! (She chokes.) That—that's understood, of course. (To herself.) They know too much!
Mr. T. (to Mrs. T., chirpily, as the others precede them in to dinner). Do you know, my love, I'd no more idea you would ever have—— Well, well, it might have been worse, I daresay. But we must never let it get out about the music-hall, eh?
Mrs. T. Well, Pa, I'm not very likely to allude to it!
The End.
"Crystal-Gazing."—The Crystal Palace Company should adapt some of Mr. Andrew Lang's article on "Superstition" in this month's Fortnightly. Far more entertaining is the Sydenham building than any amount of "Crystal-gazing," and the directors have only to say (we make them a Christmas present of the suggestion), quoting from the article above-mentioned, "it is an ascertained fact that a certain proportion of men and women, educated, healthy," &c., &c., can obtain curious information, combined with amusement, by looking into the Crystal ... Palace.
Example of "Burning Words."—Lighting the dining-room fire with the torn pages of an old book.
