ALEXANDER AND DIOGENES.
(Modern Teutonic Version.)
["My complaint being of a nervous character, I share the opinion of my doctor that, if I pass the winter in the midst of my accustomed surroundings and occupations, it will be the most likely means of promoting my recovery."—Prince Bismarck's reply to the German Emperor's Letter.]
Diogenes (of Kissingen) loquitur:—
Only to leave me to my tub! Ha! had him there I flatter me!
Too late, my Alexander, now to butter or to batter me!
You "Dropped the Pilot"—with that youthful confidence that some adore—
The "whirligig of time" has turned; the "Pilot" drops the "Commodore."
A fico for Imperial "Pots," and their young princely progenies.
Belated condescension won't conciliate Diogenes.
Cynic and Conqueror exchange compliments Ciceronian,
But—there's a sting in some smooth words, for a mouthing Macedonian.
Mine are not sanitary "tubs," the Varzin, or the other one
At Friedrichsruh, you hint. Oh get away, and do not bother one!
I've got a "nervous system" now, and noisy, young, despotical,
"Shock-headed Peters" worry one, when aged and neurotical.
Your castles, and your palaces, and things, in Central Germany,
I "trample on"—like Plato's pride. Ha! does that make you squirm any?
Confer with your Court Marshal, if you like; I only promise I'll
Transfer my Tub—to Friedrichsruh, when up to change of domicile.
"How to command men" is my skill, as 'twas of him of Pontus, Sire,
You can't command such men as I just when you chance to want us, Sire!
As soon as Doctor Schweninger says he has no objection, Sire,
I'll travel to another Tub—but not of your selection, Sire.
Sings—
'Midst castles and palaces though I might roam,
Be it ever so humble there's no place like home.
The charm of the Tub seems to hallow me there,
Which all Central Germany's castles can't share.
Home! home! Sweet, sweet home!
Though 'tis only a Tub, there is no place like home!
An exile from court, castles dazzle in vain.
Oh! give me my Tub and I'll gladly remain.
A proud Alexander I'm sorry (!) to snub,
But—keep your fine castles, leave me to my Tub!
Home! home! Sweet, sweet home!
Though you mayn't like its "climate," there's no place like home!
[Left curled up in it.