THE TOURIST SEASON. HOTEL BRIGANDAGE.
Prince Arthur the Jester
Best of all, Prince Arthur. Never heard him to greater advantage. As a former Leader once said, the House of Commons, above all things, likes to be shown sport. Prince Arthur showed the way to-night, crowded House merrily following. It was ticklish ground, for he was chaffing Mr. G. Not a good subject upon which to expend wit or satire. The Prince did it so daintily, with such light, graceful touch, such shining absence of acerbity, such brimming over with contagious good humour, that the cloud vanished from the brow of Jove. Beginning to listen with a frown, Mr. G. presently beamed into a laugh. As for his colleagues on either hand, their merriment was as unrestrained as it was on remoter benches. Only Mundella managed to keep a Ministerial countenance. The play was good, but the theme too sacred to be lightly handled. To him, seated on the left, Mr. G. gratefully turned in earlier stages of the speech and whispered his scathing comment. Mundella behaved nobly. The Solicitor-General, who had his share in the genial roasting, might roar with Homeric laughter. Mundella gravely shook his head in response to Mr. G.'s whispered remarks. Fancy, however, he was grateful when Mr. G. began to laugh and the President of the Board of Trade was free to smile. Speech as useful as it was delightful. Showed to whom it may concern that venerable age may be criticised without discourtesy, and high position attacked without insolence.
Business done.—Settled that Report Stage of Home-Rule Bill shall close on Friday.
Wednesday.—"Mr. Speaker, Sir. One or two ideas occur to me." It was the voice of MacGregor uplifted from back bench, where a retiring disposition (he retired from medical practice some years ago) leads him to take his seat. Moment critical; debate long proceeding on Amendment moved by Napoleon Boltonparty, which had called down on Imperial head a fearsome whack from hand of Mr. G.; House growing impatient for Division; Speaker risen to put question, when The MacGregor interposed. Evidently in for long clinical lecture. Hand partly extended, palm downwards; eyes half closed; head thrown back, and the voice impressively intoned.
"Mr. Speaker, Sir, a few ideas have occurred to me."
The MacGregor got no further; a shout of hilarious laughter broke in upon his reverie. Opened his eyes, and looked hastily round. He, Donald MacGregor, First Prizeman in Chemistry and Surgery; Second Prizeman in Physiology and Midwifery; Licentiate of both the Royal Colleges of Physicians and of Surgeons, Edinburgh; practised at Penrith, Cumberland, and in London; formerly Medical Officer and Public Vaccinator for Penrith and district; Resident Physician at the Peebles Hydropathic Institute; Medical Superintendent of the Barnhill Hospital and Asylum, Glasgow—yes, all this, and House of Commons was laughing at him!
"What—what," he gasped, making motion as if he would feel the Speaker's pulse. "I don't understand. I very rarely speak; have said nothing before on this Bill. Now, when something occurs to me hon. members laugh."
House touched by this appeal; generously cheered. Doctor, resuming his oratorical attitude, proceeded.
"I think," he remarked, with hand again outstretched, eyes half closed, and head thrown back as before, "it was Sydney Smith who said, When doctors differ who shall decide."
The Doctor was awakened out of his oratorical trance by another shout of laughter. What on earth was the matter now? Perhaps if he kept his eyes open he would see better where the joke came in. Took the precaution, but had not proceeded more than two minutes before Speaker down on him; after which he thought it best to resume his seat.
"I give it up, Toby," he said; "as Asquith yesterday gave up that conundrum I put to him as to why, if repeated breaches of the vaccination law justify the remission of penalties, the same practice should not apply in case of breaches of the land laws. The House of Commons for pleasure, I suppose; but for "ordinary" sanity give me Peebles and its Hydropathic Institute."
Business done.—Report Stage of Home-Rule Bill.
"All's well that ends well."
Thursday.—"Been up to see Fulham," said Member for Sark, hurrying in just in time to miss Division. "The place fascinates me. No lions there, and no necessity for getting up a lamp-post; so would not interest Grandolph. But Hayes Fisher is Member for Fulham, and he, you know, is the man who discovered, after (as he said) he had taken Logan by the scruff of the neck and 'so begun the scrimmage,' that Mr. G. was more criminally responsible for what followed 'even than Logan.' That is delightful. Fulham not to be outdone by its Member. Last night indignation meeting held in Town Hall to protest against conduct of Hayes Fisher and 'proceedings in House of Commons on Thursday, July 27.' Hall crowded; indignation seething; gentlemen of Fulham could hardly contain themselves in contemplation of iniquity of a man who, differing from another on matter of opinion, took him by the coat-collar and shook him. Meeting summoned at instance of Fulham Liberal and Radical Association. Seemed at first that all in room were good Radicals. As evening advanced, presence of one or two gentlemen of another way of thinking manifested. One called out. 'Three cheers for Fisher!' and what, my Toby, did these men of Fulham do—these gentlemen met in solemn conclave with avowed object of denouncing physical outrage and clearing fair name of Fulham from slur brought upon it by athletic proceedings of Hayes Fisher? Why, they up and at the Fisherites, with the result, as I read in the papers, 'that a struggle ensued, one man being seized and violently hustled from the Hall.' After this the meeting settled down, and unanimously passed a resolution expressing its condemnation of 'the disorderly and disgraceful scene in the House of Commons on Thursday, July 27.' Don't know how it strikes you. But to me that is most delightful incident in the day's news. Felt constrained to make pilgrimage to Fulham, to see a place where Member and Constituency are so rarely matched. Don't suppose I've missed much here?"
No, nothing; just filling up time; waiting for to-morrow night, and Closure to come.
Business done.—None.
Friday midnight.—Report Stage Home-Rule Bill just agreed to; a dull evening till the last quarter of an hour, when Tim Healy took the floor and thoroughly enjoyed himself. Everyone concerned, more especially those concerned in prolonging debate, glad it's over. Donald Crawford so excited at prospect of approaching holidays that on first Division he got into wrong Lobby; voted against one of John Morley's new Clauses, reducing Ministerial majority to 36. On two subsequent Divisions was carefully watched into right Lobby, and majority maintained at 38.
Business done.—Report Stage Home-Rule Bill passed.
Great Fall in Government Securities.—The dropping of the Guillotine.