THE APPLE OF DISCORD.
(Modern Parliamentary Version.)
[Replying to questions concerning the delay in filling up the post of Poet Laureate, Sir W. Harcourt said, "This is a delicate question, and, amidst conflicting claims, I must shelter myself in the decency of the learned language, and I would reply, 'Poeta nascitur, non fit.' ... My hon. friend must remember what happened to the shepherd Paris when he had to award the apple, and the misfortunes which befel him and his partners—spretæque injuria formæ.">[
Unpoetical Statesman sings:—
I'm Paris the Shepherd, pro tem.,
And here are the three pseudo-goddesses!—
Different, truly, from them
Who appeared, without veils, skirts, or bodices,
Unto Œnone's false swain.
Well, I've no Œnone to wig me;
But—at the first glance it's so plain,
Paris can't give the fruit to—a pigmy.
Heré? Ah! this must be she!
A classico-Cambrian Juno!
Propriety's pink all must see;
But what other claims has she? Few know!
Dull decency's all very fine;
She has a fine smack of the chapel;
But, dash it, I still must decline
To give Goddess Grundy the apple!
I'm sure she's domestic and chaste,
A virtuous, worthy old body;
But—that's scarce a goddess's waist,
Her tone, too, is—well, Eisteddfoddy.
I fear, if I gave the award
To this excellentest of old ladies,
Apollo might send me—'twere hard!—
To read one of her Epics—in Hades!
Then Pallas! Well, Pallas looks proud,
And I have no doubt might deserve a
Big crown from a true Primrose crowd:
But—she runs rather small for Minerva!
Men might mistake her for her owl.
"Her rhymes," say swell Tories, "are rippin'!"
But still, though the Standard may scowl,
I can't award Pallas the pippin!
And then Aphrodite! Oh my!
In that dress she must feel rather freezy.
There's confidence, though, in her eye,
She is taking it quite Japanesy.
That musumé smile's quite a fetch,
And yet—I acknowledge—between us—
(They'll call me a cold-blooded wretch)
I can't stand a Japanese Venus!
And so "the Hesperian fruit"
I must really reserve—for the present.
Yes. Heré will call me a brute,
And Pallas say things most unpleasant,
Aphrodite—won't she give me beans!
They all want the pippin—you bet it!
To grab it each "goddess" quite means,
And oh! don't they wish they may get it?
"The New Woman" (according to the type suggested by the 'Revolt of the Daughters') should be known as "The Revolting Woman."