ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

Extracted from the Diary of Toby, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, June 25.—Asquith back on Treasury Bench quite a changed man. Anxious air that marked his appearance through last week disappeared. Painful to watch him as he then sat on Bench with one eye on the door. Started at rustle of paper of amendments. Half rose from his seat if a book fell.

"Yes Toby," he said, when I congratulated him on the happy accomplishment of the event; "it's not the kind of thing I should like to go through every six months. Till he's tried it, no one knows what it is to have a steam engine stationed at his front door night and day with steam up ready to whisk him off to White Lodge at a moment's notice." Home Secretary managed to keep much cooler than the Mayor of Richmond. This morning the papers ablaze with telegrams from that functionary. Szlumper is his name, Surrey is his county. As soon as notification made of birth of prince, Szlumper took off his coat and set to work. First telegraphed to happy Duke and Duchess of Teck at White Lodge. Then bethought him of happier father; so Duke of York hears from Szlumper who "trusts Her Royal Highness and son are doing well." Szlumper's appetite growing with what it feeds upon, he next approaches Her Majesty with "loyal and sincere congratulations." Finally, the Prince and Princess of Wales at Marlborough House hear from him. Szlumper always signs his name tout court, like a peer of the realm.

"He's splendid this Szlumper," said the Member for Sark. "Reminds me of a story I heard in America about Judge Hoar. He had great dislike to Wendell Phillips. When the great orator died they gave him a splendid funeral. A friend meeting the judge on morning of event said, 'Aren't you going to the funeral?' 'No,' said Hoar, 'but I approve it.'"

It wasn't Szlumper's accouchement. But he approves it.

Still on Budget; getting near end of first part, which deals with death duties. The Busy B.'s, seeing the close of opportunity at hand, dash about with redoubled vigour.

Oh! 'tis Bartley and Bowles and Byrne,

And Byrne and Bartley and Bowles.

Till the throbbing pulses burn,

And Butcher piles on the coals.

The Four Busy (Budget) B's.

Business done.—Clause XVIII. added to Budget Bill.

Wednesday.—Grandolph sails to-day in the track of Columbus, only going much farther. He will cross Continent and Pacific to pay a morning call on the Mikado; afterwards to India and Burma.

"I want," he says, with certain proud pathos, "to see the frontier I extended, and Burma which I annexed."

You remember the old French song written about Grandolph's great ancestor? It was sung as a lullaby to the little son of Louis the Sixteenth, and Napoleon never mounted his horse for the fight without humming the air,—

Marlbrook s'en va-t'en guerre—

Mironton, mironton, mirontaine!

Marlbrook s'en va-t'en guerre ...

Ne sais quand reviendra!

There is a sad last verse to the old ballad. But we all hope to see our Grandolph back again, bringing his sheaves with him in the shape of renewed health and strength. Business done.—Budget.

Thursday.—Don't Keir Hardie confided to House to-night the interesting fact that in particular he Don't Keir for the Royal Family, and is "indisposed to associate himself" with effort to do them special honour. Like old Eccles in Caste, he upbraids the baby in the cradle with being a young aristocrat. Yet there are limits even to his uncompromising Republicanism. The question before House is the presentation to Her Majesty of address of congratulation on birth of son of Duke and Duchess of York. "If I had the opportunity of meeting the parents," says Don't Keir, "I should be pleased to join in the ordinary congratulations of the occasion." He did not hesitate, standing in his place in Parliament as representative of the electors of 'Am, to add that he "had been delighted to learn that the child was a fairly healthy one." Beyond that, stern principle would not permit him to pass.

Note that he felt constrained to modify even this approval of proceedings at White Lodge by introduction of the word "fairly." Asquith, who knows all about it, seemed for moment inclined to resent this aspersion on the perfect soundness of the object of his recent attentions; on reflection he let it pass. Saunderson, of whom House has seen lamentably little of late, was under less complete self-restraint. When Don't Keir turned his attention upon Prince of Wales, proposing to appraise his value to the nation, Saunderson leaped to his feet, and moved that "the hon. Member be no longer heard."

A difficult moment this. The Motion being made, the Speaker must put it from the Chair. Many Members, whilst justly angered with Don't Keir's grotesque performance, would have felt bound to resent what might be construed as attempt to throttle free speech. There would have been long and angry debate; a succession of scenes; and Don't Keir Hardie would have been triumphantly advertised. Happily, though, strictly considered, irregularly, the Squire of Malwood interposed; expressed hope that Motion would not be persevered in. Saunderson perceiving his mistake acquiesced, and Don't Keir Hardie went on to final ignominious collapse. When in crowded House question put that Address be presented, a solitary cry of "No" answered the loud shout "Aye." House cleared for division; but when opportunity of taking final step presented itself, it turned out that Hardie Didn't Keir to take it.

"Now if this were France in the days when the Empire was tottering to its fall," said Sark, "I should suspect the secret police to have put up Don't Keir to play their game in stirring up embers of popularity of Imperial Family. In England to-day, of course, no necessity for such manœuvre. But if by outside influence the popularity the Prince of Wales has worked out for himself could be increased, Don't Keir Hardie's the man to do it."

Scene from "Caste," adapted for representation in the House of Commons.

Eccles (played by Don't Keir H-rd-e) addresses the Royal Infant. "Everybody in the House is sacrificed for you! And to think that a Working Man, a Member of the House of Commons, and one of the Committee of the Banded Brothers for the Regeneration of Human Kind, by means of equal diffusion of intelligence and equal division of property, should want the price of half a pint, while you are lying in the lap of luxury!" &c., &c., &c.

Business done.—Queen congratulated on birth of latest great-grandson.

Friday.—Been much struck through week by appearance of stranger in Speaker's Gallery. Every night about quarter of an hour after questions over he has come in; gone out again a little after eight, about time Speaker, when in chair, leaves for his chop. Comes back punctually in half an hour; remains till fifteen or twenty minutes before progress is reported, and Chairman of Committees makes way for Speaker. Something about him familiar, though never before that I remember have I seen that stubbly red beard, or those green, goggly spectacles. Quite fascinated me. To-night went up and sat in gallery behind him.

At ten minutes past eight, amendment before Committee disposed of, the stranger rose; heard him exclaim under his breath, "Order! Order!" saw him clutch at imaginary robe, and stride forth with stately tread. Truth burst upon me with a flash.

It was the Speaker!

"You're a dangerous person to have about the premises, Toby," he said as we made our way by circuitous route to Speaker's Court. "Every day for last fortnight I have written out myself an order for the Speaker's Gallery, have passed the doorkeepers unobserved, and remained hour after hour unnoticed. Then your eagle eye falls upon me and all is lost. Pray don't let the secret go any further. Fact is, for weeks and weeks I've been shut out of my proper place by this Budget Bill. Questions last half an hour or an hour. Then House goes into Committee, and I'm shunted save for few moments after midnight, when I adjourn the House. Couldn't stand it any longer. Might as well be in Kamtchatka. So have had recourse to this innocent device, and have thoroughly enjoyed my evenings."

Business done.—Once through Committee on Budget Bill. Pick up dropped threads next week.

Transcriber's Note:

Added a few punctuation marks missing in the original, without further note.

On page 12, corrected "embers of popularitity" to "embers of popularity."