LETTER TO A DÉBUTANTE.
Dearest Gladys,—I have been compiling a sort of dictionary for you, with a view to your second season. I send you a few selections from it—with notes of advice.
Art. A subject of discussion; mild at tea-time, often heated after dinner.
[Note.—Do not take sides. Mention that Whistler has a picture in the Luxembourg, or say—with a smile or not, as the occasion may suggest—that Sir Frederic is the President of the Academy.]
Altruism. Boring some people about other people.
[Note.—Never encourage Views. They take up too much valuable time.]
Beauty. An expensive luxury.
Boy. If "dear," any effective man under forty. If "horrid," about twelve, and to be propitiated with nuts, knives and ships.
[Note.—Do not offend him.]
Blasphemy. Any discussion on religion.
[Note.—Look shocked, but not bored.]
Coquetry. A manner sometimes assumed by elderly ladies and very young gentlemen.
Cynicism. Truthfulness.
Duty. Referred to by relations who wish to be disagreeable.
[Note.—Change the subject.]
Divorce. The occasional result of friendship.
[Note.—But you must not know anything about it. Read only the leading articles.]
Eccentricity. Talent.
Etiquette. Provincialism.
Flirtation. Once a favourite amusement, now dying out; but still surviving at Clapham tennis-parties and Kensington subscription balls.
Foreigners. Often decorative; generally dangerous.
Friendship. The mutual dislike of people on intimate terms. Or, a euphuism for love.
Failure. An entertainment to which one has not been invited.
Goodness. The conduct of one's mother.
Hygiene. Never bothering about one's health.
Idiocy. The opinions of those who differ from one.
Justice. Enthusiastic praise of oneself.
Kleptomania. Stealing things one doesn't want.
Love. A subject not without interest.
Moonlight. Depends on the other person.
Marriage. The avowed and justifiable object in life of young girls. The avowed and justifiable terror of bachelors.
Nature. It has gone out of fashion, except in novels you must not say you have read.
Obviousness. To be guarded against.
Philosophy. An innocent amusement.
Palmistry. Only if he is really very nice.
Quarrel. A proof of love, or of detestation.
Quixotism. Defending the absent-minded.
Romance. Friendship in London.
[Note.—Do not be so absurdly credulous as to believe there is no such thing as Platonic affection. It is extremely prevalent; in fact, there is hardly anything else.]
Sincerity. Rudeness.
Toleration. Culture.
[Note.—You may as well begin to be tolerant at once, and save trouble. It is sure to come in time.]
Ugliness. Rather fashionable.
Untidiness. The picturesque way in which the other girl does her hair.
Vanity. Self-knowledge.
Wilfulness. A desire to give pleasure to others.
Youth. Appreciated in middle-age.
Zoological Gardens. Of course not. Nobody goes there now. Besides, you never know whom you may meet.
There, Gladys, dear! Write soon, and let me know when you are coming back to London. Sleeves are larger than ever, and chinchilla—— But I daresay you have heard.
Ever your affectionate friend,
Marjorie.
"My Old Dutch!"—See Exhibition of Old Masters' Works, Burlington House.