THE ADVANTAGE OF BEING CONSISTENT.
(A Dramatic Forecast of the Farce of the Future.)
Scene—Smoking-room of the Toy Club. Reformed members sipping lemon-squashes and inhaling tea-leaf cigarettes and reading "The Happy Hearth" and periodicals of a similar character.
First Member. I am heartily glad that the committee decided to change the name of the club from the Handicap to the Toy, as it has brought an influx of such extremely eligible members. The bishop is perfectly charming.
Second Member. Quite so, and really the archdeacon's stories are first rate. I suppose you heard his anecdote about the pew-opener who thought that matins were a substitute for oil-cloth?
First Mem. Excellent, it was told me yesterday by the Lord Chancellor of British Undiscoveredland. And how much better it is that we are not allowed to bet in the old-fashioned way. When you come to think of it, there was something amazingly demoralising in permitting a Guinea Club Sweep for the Derby.
Second Mem. I should think so! I give you my word that I put my name down in every single sweep in the old Handicap for fifteen years, and never once drew a starter.
First Mem. My experience too. Have you heard whether there is to be any substitute for the sweep this year?
Second Mem. Why, yes. I was told by a member of the Recreation Committee that all members taking the bread-and-milk luncheon daily for a week are to have chances for the Grand Derby Race Christmas Tree.
First Mem. Isn't a Christmas Tree a little too late or too previous in June?
Second Mem. Well, yes; but then it was said that once the Derby was run in a snow-storm, and so we might take it that sometimes we have winter in summer.
First Mem. I see. Have you any idea what the prizes are to be?
Second Mem. Oh, some of them will be very handsome. I am told that the tree is to be decorated with tea-cozies and silver-mounted blue spectacles.
First Mem. Really! I shall not forget to take my one o'clock bread-and-milk regularly in the coffee-room for the next week. I suppose you have quite given up your betting-book?
Second Mem. Well, no, because you see the Act permits betting in moderation, and under proper restrictions. For instance, I am quite prepared to take seven to one against Snuffbox for the Hardbake Selling Stakes, only of course it must be in peppermint drops.
First Mem. (producing betting-book). Well, I would accommodate you if I were not overburdened with peppermint-drops. Make it brandy-balls, and I will do it in ounces.
Second Mem. (referring to betting-book). I am not particularly fond of that sweetstuff, but I think I can act as commissioner for my aunt. (Enters bet.) Is your list full for The Band of Joy Two-year-old Caudle Cup?
First Mem. (after reference to betting-book). Well, I don't mind backing my opinion about the Churchwarden's County Council. Do you know his price?
Second Mem. I see in the Charity Box of last night that he was in considerable demand at Tattersall's. As much as two to one in Abyssinian sugar-sticks was taken freely. I don't mind letting you have a pound of mixed biscuits to an ounce of Everton toffy, if that will suit you.
First Mem. All right. (Makes entry in betting-book.) And now I really must go.
First Mem. What, are you off?
Second Mem. Why, yes. I want to see my stockbroker. I have quite a heavy flutter on in connection with these new Carbonate of Soda Mines. If they don't go up a bit before the next account I may lose a cool thousand.
First Mem. Just my case. However, I shall be able to pull through, as now that gambling is prohibited on the turf and in the club, there is more money available for different purposes.
[Exeunt for the City.