"BRAINS FOR CASH."
["The unbridled greediness of some authors."—Mr. Gosse.]
Publisher (nervously). And what will your terms be for a short story, in your best style?
Author (loftily). I have only one style, and that is perfection. I couldn't think of charging less than fifty guineas a page.
Publisher (aghast). Fifty guineas a page! But are you aware that Lord Macaulay got only ten thousand for the whole of his history, and that Milton——
Author (rudely). Hang Macaulay and Milton! Surely you would not compare those second-rate writers with myself! If they were content to work for starvation wages, I am not.
Publisher. But, say your story runs to twenty pages, as it probably will, I shall have to pay you for that one short tale the really ridiculous sum of a thousand pounds!
Author (coolly). Yes, it is rather ridiculous—ridiculously small, I mean. Still, out of regard to your pocket, I am willing to accept that inadequate remuneration. Is it a bargain?
Publisher (with a groan). It must be. The public demands your work, and we have no option. But allow me to remark that your policy is——
Author (gaily). A Policy of Assurance, on which you have to pay the premium. Ha, ha!
A Year Or Two Later.
Author (deferentially). I have a really capital idea for a work of fiction, on a subject which I believe to be quite original. What—ahem!—are you prepared to offer for the copyright?
Publisher. Couldn't think of making an offer till we saw the work. It might turn out to be worth nothing at all.
Author. Nothing at all! But you forget how my fame——
Publisher. Disappeared when we were obliged to charge the public six shillings for a story of yours about the size of an average tract. Other writers have come to the front, you know. Still, if there's anything in your novel, when it's finished, we should, I daresay, be prepared to offer you a couple of guineas down, and a couple more when—say—a thousand copies had been sold. Is it a bargain?
Author (sadly). I suppose it must be! Yet I can hardly be said to be paid for my work.
Publisher. Perhaps not. But you can be said to be paid out!
"The Female Ostrich at the Zoo is dead."