RATHER "BOLD ADVERTISEMENT."
["Advertisements for some time past have been inserted in Government publications."—Daily Paper.]
Scene—Room of a Secretary of State. Present Right Hon. Gentleman attended by his Private Secretary.
Right Hon. Gentleman. Well, Tenterfore, anything for me this morning?
Private Secretary. I think not. You will find that I have worked out the answers to to-day's questions—the list is not a very heavy one, only a couple of dozen queries or thereabouts.
Rt. Hon. Gent. That's right. Such a lot of time is wasted in that sort of thing. And has anyone come for me?
Priv. Sec. No one of importance. A fellow with a new invention or something of that sort. Said you were extremely busy just now, but that if he would write, his letter would receive the attention of the department.
Rt. Hon. Gent. Was he satisfied?
Priv. Sec. (smiling). Well, I fear not entirely. I think he must have had some experience of Government offices. He said he preferred to see you personally.
Rt. Hon. Gent. (amused). I daresay he would. Anyone else?
Priv. Sec. Only a man about advertisements.
Rt. Hon. Gent. (aghast). You did not send him away?
Priv. Sec. Well, no. I believe he is still in the waiting-room. But surely you don't want to see him?
Rt. Hon. Gent. Of course I do. A most important person. Send a messenger for him at once. (Exit Private Secretary.) That's the worst of Tenterfore—so impulsive! Means well, but so very impulsive! (Knock.) Ah, here comes my visitor. (Enter stranger.) My very dear Sir, I am delighted to see you. (He shakes hands warmly and provides him with an arm-chair.) I am sorry you should have been detained—quite a mistake.
Stranger (surprised). You are most kind. I come about some advertisements.
Rt. Hon. Gent. I know, my dear Sir, I know. Now what can I tempt you with? You arrive at a most fortunate moment. We are thinking of letting the sides of our cruisers for posters. The Mediterranean fleet will be a most excellent medium. We can do sixteen double crowns at a very reasonable rate; of course the Admiral's flag-ship would be a trifle extra. Is your leading article soap, pickles, or hair-dye?
Stranger. I am afraid you do not understand me.
Rt. Hon. Gent. Oh yes, I do; but, if you object to marine advertisements, I think we can suit you on land. We have several commanding positions on the colours of some of the most popular regiments in the service vacant. (Showing plans.) You see we can insert type—we object to blocks—on the material without interfering with the badges or the victories. A most admirable medium, I assure you.
Stranger. You really are in error. I wish to say——
Rt. Hon. Gent. (interrupting). Yes, I know. You think that something would be better. Well, we can put advertisements on the backs of all petitions presented to Parliament, and let you out hoardings in front of the more prominent of the Government offices. How would that suit you?
Stranger. Really, you must allow me to explain. Advertisements of matters interesting to mariners—such as notices of wrecks—are inserted solely in the London Gazette and——
Rt. Hon. Gent. Ah, you are thinking of the sky signs. Well, of course, we might utilise the lighthouses, but we have not quite made up our minds whether such a course might not cause confusion in misty weather.
Stranger. I was going to propose that the Government might feel inclined to insert the advertisements to which I have referred in a paper with which I am connected, and which is extensively circulated amongst seafaring men.
Rt. Hon. Gent. (astounded). You want me to give you an advertisement! No, Sir; now that we have taken up advertisements we insert them and don't give them out. (Enter Private Secretary.) Mr. Tenterfore, be so good as to explain to this gentleman that my time is valuable.
[Scene closes in upon the Secretary of State performing the now rather miscellaneous duties appertaining to his office.
Brief Stay in London of the Eminent French Novelist.—He has not quite mastered our idioms, but he has made a pun in English, when saying, "J'y suis, moi, Daudet; je pars demain," i.e., "I am here Do-day, and gone to-morrow."
Suggestion.—"The Attaree Khat Tea Co." is a nice name. Why not follow with the "Attaree Khat and Kitten Milk Co."? Very attaree-active to some pussons.
Motto (Addressed to Flutes, Hautboys, &c.) for Conductor of the Strauss Orchestra.—"Strauss shows how the wind is to blow."
"Infant Phenomenon!"—At Drury Lane, the arduous part of Don Cæsar in the opera of Maritana was last Friday played by a Child!
Word of Command for Hospital Sunday.—"Present Alms!"
