HOW (OF COURSE) IT IS NOT DONE.
(Imaginary Sketch of impossible Incident.)
Scene—Editor's Room. Time—Within measurable distance of publication. Editor discovered in consultation with his Chief Sub.
Editor. We can't find room for everything.
Chief Sub. Quite so, Sir; still it seems a pity to slaughter this telegram from the front.
Editor. Does it make very much?
Chief Sub. No, Sir. If you will allow me, I will run through it. (Reads.) "Yesterday the Loamshire Regiment, headed by its Commander, Colonel Snooks, made one of the gallantest charges on record."
Editor. Sure it was Snooks?
Chief Sub. Oh yes. We verified it in the Army List. Snooks went out with the Second Battalion when they were ordered to the front. (Continues reading.) "The soldiers dashed forward over the Tam-Tam river, and up the steep sides of the Yah-Yah mountains, carrying all before them."
Editor. Sure of those names?
Chief Sub. Yes, Sir; verified them on the map. (Resumes reading.) "Nothing could withstand the rain of lead and the row of steel. The Chutnese attempted to use their 'pungarees'—a rude sort of pruning knife—but without the slightest effect. Uttering their weird yells of 'Tomata, tomata,' and beating their drum-like vessels known over here as 'bang-wangs,' they faltered, floundered and fled."
Editor. Sure that those names are correct?
Chief Sub. Quite, Sir. We verified the local colouring with Moke's Six Months in Chutney on the top of a Camel.
Editor. Very good. Is there much more?
Chief Sub. About a third of a column, describing the taking of the native village, the storming of the stockade, and the bivouac by moonlight after the victory at Pennavilla.
Editor (after consideration). Well, it might give us an effective line for the bill. (A whistle is heard: Editor listens at a speaking-tube.) Afraid we must sacrifice it. Manager tells me there is another rush of advertisements, so space is more precious than ever. You had better boil it down into a three-line paragraph.
Chief Sub. No need to do that, Sir. If there's a scarcity of room we had better give the original telegram.
Editor. The original telegram?
Chief Sub. Yes, Sir; from which we have worked up the extended account. Here it is. (Reads.) "Loamshire, after a skirmish, has reached Pennavilla." That, with a suitable heading, will just complete the column.
Editor. Quite so.
[Scene closes in upon the arrangement.
"Was he very much cast down after he'd spoken to Papa?"
"Yes. Three Flights of Stairs!"