ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY M.P.
Jesse, the Pilot-Engine, clears the Line!
House of Commons, Monday, June 24.—Back to-day from the booming Baltic to wan Westminster. Given up the company of Kings and Queens which formed Don Currie's daily fare; descended to level of Commons. And what a state of things to come back to! Left less than a fortnight ago, with House in almost comatose state. Even the Busy B's had ceased to hum. Tanner no longer disturbed at hour of midnight by poignant curiosity as to when the Dook would retire. Silomio, his head bandaged after latest buffeting by Edward Grey and Sydney Buxton, temporarily silent. Alpheus Cleophas for awhile content with management of House by "my right hon. friend the Chancellor of Exchequer." In a moment, in the twinkling of St. John Brodrick's eye, crisis and chaos come. Ministry blown up with charge of cordite, surreptitiously brought in; concealed under Front Opposition Bench; fired in the dinner hour.
"Cordite?" said Tomlinson. "What is this cordite they're all talking about? Thought it was something they made trousers of."
"No, no," said Private Hanbury, up in all military matters. "You're thinking of corduroy."
House crowded from furthest bench of side galleries to gangway steps on floor. A buzz of excitement completes fulness of chamber. Only two empty seats. These on front benches, where Squire of Malwood and Prince Arthur were wont to face each other. Joseph's seat below gangway filled by Courtney, who, in honour of occasion, has put on a white waistcoat and a smile. Wears both throughout proceedings. A loud cheer welcomes arrival of Prince Arthur looking graver than usual. Three minutes later another rings forth, and the Squire of Malwood enters with slow step and countenance set, suitable to the obsequies of an assassinated Ministry. Jesse Collings comes in; startled by cheer from Irish Members.
"Joe's not far off," said Tim Healy, grimly. "In times like these sends Jesse on ahead, like the pilot-engine that goes before Czar's train. If there were any murderous plot on hand, by Justin McCarthy or any other brigand, the blameless figure of Jesse would be blown into space, and Joseph would proceed on his journey with his hair unsinged."
On stroke of half-past three Squire of Malwood made formal announcement of familiar fact that Government had resigned; The Markiss had been sent for; Ministers kept their places only till their successors were appointed.
"I would ask leave to say," the Squire, with unwonted tremor in his voice, observed, bringing to close his brief, business-like speech, "that for every man who has taken part in the noble conflict of Parliamentary life, the chiefest of all ambitions, whether in a majority or in a minority, must be to stand well with the House of Commons."
How in this respect the Leader of the House through two Sessions of peculiar difficulty stands with both tides, testified to by a ringing cheer, repeated when Prince Arthur, who always does these things well, voiced the common feeling as he recognised in the blushing Squire "one of the greatest ornaments of this House."
"That's all very well, Toby," said the Squire, when I offered him my congratulations on deliverance from a situation long become intolerable. "You put it prettily. But I hope the experience of the last fortnight will be a lesson to you. You hadn't been gone a week and two days when the cordite bomb was exploded. Never forget what you must have learned in your nursery kennel:
When the dog's away,
The rats will play."
Their New Suits.
Admiral G-sch-n. "Oh, I say, Joey old man, what a comical costume! It does make me laugh!"
Colonial Ch-mb-rl-n. "Well, hang it, Jokey old boy, you can't say much!"
All business set aside. All Bills dropped save Seal Fisheries. This Cap'en Tommy Bowles, master of himself though Ministers fall, proceeds to discuss as calmly as if nothing had happened. Whilst other Members already have their eyes on their constituencies and their faces towards the door, Tommy, buttonholing Time as it were with his hooked arm, leisurely discusses the close season for Seal Fishing.
Business done.—The Government's.
Tuesday.—House met again, expecting further particulars about the Ministerial crisis. Benches full, but not so crowded as yesterday. Again the Squire, Prince Arthur, and Joseph absent. The two latter not expected. When they reappear they will sit side by side on Treasury Bench. But where was the Squire?
Preliminary business finished. House waiting for next move. Must be made by Squire. Where was he? Members tossed about on seats. All eyes strained towards space behind Speaker's chair, whence Ministers approaching Treasury Bench emerge. Minutes passed; Squire still tarried. Horrible rumour that cordite had done fresh stroke of work. Frederick Milner said he distinctly heard sound of explosion in neighbourhood of room of Leader of House. Another report was that Squire had been kidnapped, shipped off to distant colony by direction of new Secretary of State. Whilst probability of these wild guesses balanced, Squire entered, whole and hale. Had been waiting to hear from The Markiss. Nothing had come, so must adjourn.
Business done.—House adjourned.
Wednesday.—All settled: Squire announces that Markiss has undertaken to form new Ministry. Writs moved for elections to fill vacancies consequent on acceptance of office. Amongst them West Birmingham, Joseph having undertaken to care for the Colonies. Prospect of "Our Joe," as Sage Of Queen Anne's Gate affectionately calls him, sitting in Cabinet Council with The Markiss, strangely moves House. Irish Members in particular give vent to feelings in cries that forebode lively times for new Minister.
House lost crowded appearance of earlier days of week. Interest already transferred to constituencies. Gorst among absentees. Sark looking for him everywhere. Been reading article in magazine where Gorst writes:—"A lady resident in East London informed me that she once knew a man who was attending fourteen doctors at the same time. The man died."
Cap'en Tommy Casabianca Bowles.
Sark wants to know what was the matter with the doctors? Why the man was attending them? And whether this is cited as case of overwork, or of death resulting from infectious disease?
The worst of Sark is that his curiosity is almost feminine in its intensity.
Business done.—Foundation stones of new Ministry laid.
House of Lords, Thursday.—Quite a crowded House. The Markiss, not seen in his place since he became Prime Minister, now there faced by Rosebery. Large attendance and eager interest explained by attempt to purloin Seals of Secretary of State for War. In dim and distant future this likely to rank with the Diamond Necklace Affair. Sark, who has been reading Radical newspapers on incident, tells me all about it.
As soon as Vote of Censure passed on Cawmell-Bannerman, Markiss became possessed of uncontrollable passion for instant possession of his seals of office. How was it to be done? Cawmell a Scotchman; not easy to get loose property out of his grip. Markiss, instinct with influences of spacious times of Queen Elizabeth, not to be trifled with. Clapped his hands. Enter faithful henchman, one Schomberg. A stoutly-built man of herculean strength, bowed legs, grizzled beard, short thick hair like hand-spikes standing up above pair of ears resembling nothing so much as Tower Bridge when, in opening, either flap stands out at angle of forty-five degrees. A certain piquancy given to his features by front tooth protruding like tusk of wild boar.
"Schomberg," said The Markiss, hoarsely, "I want Cawmell-Bannerman's Seals. His address is 6, Grosvenor Place, S.W. He comes home late, with a latch-key. Take twenty stout fellows, as like yourself as the country produces. Await his coming. Take the Seals. If he resists, a slit weasand will scarcely be noticed in a population of (according to the last census) 4,349,166. But bring the Seals."
That is Sark's idea of the episode after reading the papers. The Markiss's version differs in some details.
Business done.—The Markiss, challenged by Rosebery, says new Ministry have no policy at present. However, since Rosebery seems anxious on point, will send over to Whiteley's and see what can be done.
