THE CANDIDATE'S VADE MECUM.
Question. Why do you desire to enter the House of Commons?
Answer. Because, if I am honoured by my fellow-men by being chosen to represent them, it is my ambition to serve them faithfully and maintain in all its glorious integrity the time-honoured heritage of this mighty empire.
Q. Yes, so you have said in your address to the electors; but have you no other reason for wishing to occupy a seat in Parliament?
A. Certainly. The prestige bestowed by the letters "M.P." is pleasing, and if the honour ultimately culminates in a baronetcy or a knighthood the distinction will be gratifying to my wife.
Q. Then you would not be adverse to receiving promotion in the line to which you have referred?
A. No; because I should consider that I acted merely as a trustee to my constituents—that I, in fact, appeared in the character of their personal representative.
Q. Yes, you said something of the sort the other evening at a canvassing meeting in reply to a question put to you by one of your voters; but surely the decoration would be desirable for some other consideration?
A. It undoubtedly would have a certain market value in the City in the eyes of promoters of public companies of limited liability.
Q. What measures have you taken to secure election beyond issuing the very admirable address to which I have, more than once, referred?
A. For the last two or three years I have assiduously nursed the constituency.
Q. What do you mean by nursing a constituency?
A. Obtaining a stake in the shape of land and a house in the division, and making myself generally popular amongst my fellow-ratepayers.
Q. How can you become popular?
A. By subscribing largely to local charities and institutions, laying foundation stones, and opening fancy bazaars with untiring energy.
Q. What considerations weigh with you when you are invited to add your name to a subscription-list?
A. I take care to make the sum I give a little larger than that contributed by my opponent, and take it as a general rule that lawn tennis is of more importance than dispensaries, and polo, from a benevolent point of view, takes precedence of associations established to relieve dire distress.
Q. Is there any other method which may be adopted with advantage by those desirous of nursing a constituency?
A. Speaking frequently in assembly rooms, taking nursery gardens for the same purpose, and generally improving trade in the neighbourhood.
Q. Then the money paid for the hirings to which you refer is commercially popular?
A. It is, and (joined of course to the eloquence of my friends and myself) should distinctly influence the election.
Q. And should you be elected, what do you suppose you will have to do?
A. To thoroughly enjoy the honour of being able to treat the House of Commons as a club, and being asked by the leaders of my Party to all their entertainments. I shall see my name in every newspaper report when I have happened to take part in a popular function. I shall find that I have mounted the social ladder by leaps and bounds, and be able to pleasurably patronise or cut direct those who now become my inferiors.
Q. And what consideration will support you in your general demeanour?
A. The conviction that all I do, and have done, is and has been actuated by the purest patriotism.