MY LORD'S DINNER.
[A companion picture to Mr. Edward Knoblauch's play, My Lady's Dress.]
Prologue.
William and Mary have returned from the Royalty Theatre, where they have attended a play in several scenes each representing some incident in the making of a lady's dress.
William (for the ninth time). Capital dinner we had to-night, dear. Don't know when I've had a better.
Mary. Oh, bother your old dinner. What did you think of the play?
William. H'm, not bad. Don't know that I care about those dream plays. (After deep thought) Capital caviare, that.
Mary (annoyed). You think of nothing but your food. Didn't you think Dennis Eadie was splendid?
William. Very clever. A remarkable tour de force. H'm. Capital whitebait, too. Did you notice the saddle of lamb, my love? Capital.
Mary. I thought it was all very novel and interesting.
William. The dinner, my dear? Not exactly novel, but certainly——
Mary (coldly). I wasn't referring to the dinner. If you could manage to get your mind off your meals occasionally, I should like to discuss the play.
William (yawning). Not to-night, dear, I'm sleepy.... Capital dinner; don't know when I've had a better.... Very, very sleepy.
[He goes to bed and dreams.
THE DREAM.
Scene I.
Moscow. The top of the Shot Tower where they make the caviare. Alexandrovitch is discovered at work. Enter Marieovitch.
Alexandrovitch (dropping his sturgeon and clasping her round the neck). At last, my love!
Marieovitch. Be careful. Williamovitch suspects. He hates you.
Alexandrovitch. Nonsense, love! He's only jealous because my caviare is so much rounder than his.
Marieovitch. He knows I am tired of him. Lookout; here he is.
Enter Williamovitch from behind a heap of buttered toast.
Williamovitch (sternly). I know all.
Alexandrovitch (pushing him over the edge of the tower). Then take that!
[Exit Williamovitch.
Scene II.
A typefounder's in Italy, where they make the macaroni letters for the consommé.
Gulielmo (sorting the O's). One million, three hundred and eighty-seven thousand, six hundred and forty-five. There are two missing, Maria.
Maria (nervously). Perhaps you counted wrong, Gulielmo.
Gulielmo (scornfully). Counted wrong! And me the best macaroni sorter in Italy! Now let's get the "E's" together. (After a pause) Two million, four hundred and five thousand, two hundred and ninety seven. Corpo di Bacco! There are two "E's" 'missing'!
Maria. Don't you remember there was one "E" the reader wouldn't pass?
Gulielmo (suspiciously). I made another to take its place. There's some devilry in this. Maria, girl, what are you hiding from me?
Maria (confused). Oh, Gulielmo, I didn't want you to know.
[She takes a handful of letters from her lap and gives them shyly to him.
Gulielmo (sorting them). Two "O's," two "E's," two "L's——" What's all this?
Maria (overcome). Oh!
Gulielmo. "I Love Gulielmo."
(Ecstatically). Maria! You love me?
[She falls into his arms.
Scene III.
A whitebait stud farm at Greenwich. Polly is discovered outside one of the stables. Enter Alfred.
Polly. Can't think what's the matter with Randolph this morning. That's 'is fifth slice of lemon, and 'e's as fierce and 'ungry as ever.
Alfred (gaily). Never mind the whitebait now, sweet'eart, when we're going to be spliced this afternoon. 'Ullo, 'ere 's Bill.
Enter Bill.
Bill. Wot cher, Alf! The guv'nor wants yer. (Exit Alfred hastily.) And now, Polly, my girl, wot's all this about marrying Alf when you're engaged to me?
Polly. Oh, Bill, I'm sorry. Do let me off. I love Alfred.
Bill. I'll let yer off all right.
[He goes towards Randolph's stable.
Polly (shrieking). Bill! Wotcher doing?
Bill (opening the stable door). Just giving Randolph a bit of a run like. 'E wants exercise.
[Randolph, the fiercest of the whitebait, dashes out and springs at Polly's throat.
Polly. Help! Help!
Bill. P'raps Alfred will 'elp you—when 'e comes back. I'll tell 'im.
[Exit leisurely.
Scene IV.
A saddler's shop at Canterbury, New Zealand.
Molly. Busy, Willie?
William. Always busy at the beginning of the lamb season, Molly. The gentlemen in London will have their saddle.
Molly. Too busy to talk to me?
Willie. Plenty of time to talk when we're married. Shan't have to work so hard then.
Molly. Because of my money you mean, Willie dear. You aren't only marrying me for my money, are you?
Willie. Of course not.
[He kisses her perfunctorily and returns to his work.
Molly. Because—because I've lost it all.
Willie (sharply). What's that?
Molly. I've lost it all.
Willie. Then what are you doing in my shop? Get out!
Molly (with dignity). I'm going, Willie, And I haven't lost my money at all. I just wanted to test you. Good-bye for ever.
[She goes out. Willie in despair rushes into the garden and buries his head in the mint.
Scene V.
[This part of William's dream was quite different from the rest, and it was the only scene in which his wife didn't appear.]
An actor-manager's room.
Actor-manager. Yes, I like your play immensely. I don't suppose any actor-manager has ever played so many parts before in one evening. But couldn't you get another scene into it?
William. Well, I've got an old curtain-raiser here, but it doesn't seem to fit in somehow.
Actor-manager. Nonsense. In a dream play it doesn't matter about fitting in. What's it about?
William. Oh, the usual sort of love thing. Only it's in the tropics, and I really want an ice-pudding scene.
Actor-manager. Then make it the North Pole.
William. Good idea.
[Exit to do so.
Epilogue.
Next morning.
William. I've had an extraordinary, dream, dear, and—er—I've decided not to eat so much in future.
Mary. My darling boy!
[She embraces him; and as the scene closes William takes his fifth egg.
Curtain.
A. A. M.
