REJECTED OFFERINGS.
My dear Mr. Punch,—In these first few days after Christmas many of your readers are no doubt faced, as we have been, with a problem which is quite new to them. I hope they took the precaution—as we did—to write and explain to all likely givers (1) that this was no year for the exchange of Christmas gifts among grown-up people who have no need for them; (2) that it was the opinion of all right-thinking persons that no such gifts should be sent, and (3) that consequently they were sending none and hoped to receive none.
That is all right as far as it goes, but the problem remains of what is to be done with those people who can't be stopped? We have had several painful instances of this sort. The stuff has arrived, the usual sort of non-war stuff, some of which must have cost quite a lot of money, of which it may with truth be said, "your King and Country need you." How were these things to be dealt with, since we felt that we could not keep them?
We found that no general treatment could be applied; we have had to sort them out into groups, before deflecting them into the proper courses.
Books to hospitals. In this case the matron is asked to acknowledge them direct to the original giver.
Smoking Accessories (such as the newest pipe-filler and match-striker and cigarette-case-opener and pouch-unfolder and cigar-holder-grip), to the nearest male Belgian; and
All other portable presents to the nearest female Belgian. (These two classes may be neatly acknowledged in the columns of the Courier Belge.)
All larger presents (of the motor-car, pianola and sewing-machine variety) to be sold by auction for the National Relief Fund. Marked catalogue of the sale to be sent to the giver in proof of their safe arrival.
Yours, etc.,
An Ordinary Englishman.
Officer (instructing recruits in signalling). "Didn't you get that message?"
Recruit. "Yes, Sir: 'Three Taubs and a Zeplin comin' over the 'ill.'"
Officer. "Then why the deuce didn't you send it on?"
Recruit. "Well, Sir, I couldn't 'ardly believe it."
"The Surveyor reported that the owners of the manure heaps by the Recreation Ground Tennis Courts had by now been covered over with seaweed, etc., thus complying with the Council's wishes."—Barmouth Advertiser.
We hope this will be a lesson to them.
The usual formula for beginning a letter is thus neatly rendered by a Hottentot Boy:—
"As I have a line to state just to let you know that I am still soluberious under the superiority of the Supreme-Being, hoping to hear the same likewise from you."
We recommend it very heartily as a good opening for New Year's Eve correspondence.