CHARIVARIA.
The German Imperial Chancellor's Reichstag speech with regard to the Battle of Jutland was, according to The Daily Mail, delivered with "an eye on Washington." Not George, of course.
According to the German official announcement, the sinking of the Lützow was concealed for "military reasons." It is only reasonable to assume that other and larger prevarications concerning the North Sea battle may be ascribed to "naval reasons."
A remarkable omission from the German account of the Naval battle off Jutland is observed. There is no mention of the destruction of H.M.S. Blockade.
According to the Croydon Public Library Committee, "readers are turning to Thackeray, Dickens, George Eliot and Jane Austen for relief from war worry." This authoritative statement will come as a great shock to Mr. Balfour, who appears to have been under the impression that Winston Churchill was the popular author of the moment.
Under the heading, "Fish-shaped Zeppelin," The Daily Mail, quoting the Zurich correspondent of the Nieuwe Courant, describes a monster supposed to have been recently launched by the Germans, which fires an aerial torpedo weighing 420 lbs. a distance of nine miles. We ourselves would have preferred the heading, "Fish-shaped Story."
An A.B., fresh from the Naval fight, had read a statement in the Press that the Kaiser had given three Hochs! for his Navy. "Well, I don't give a Dam for it!" said the British tar.
The President of the Republic of San Domingo has resigned, "to save the State from armed American intervention." We fear that somebody has been pulling the gentleman's leg.
The Pall Mall Gazette on the Jumble Sale at the Caledonian Market: "But there were bargains for everybody, whether it was an elephant or a daintily bejewelled carrier, a Paris hat or a three-year-old, or a motor-car, or an elephant." One of the lady helpers, discovering at the last moment that she had a duplicate elephant, appears to have brought it along just in time to catch our contemporary before it went to press.
In connection with the occupation of Fort Rupel by the Bulgarians it is announced that General Sarrail is taking the "necessary steps." Yet we cannot be blind to the fact that it would have been better to have forestalled the enemy and taken the necessary front-door.
At a meeting of the Church Reading Union at Sion College, Sir Francis Fox, J.P., said that a boy who was arrested for setting fire to a church had told him that he "had seen it on the cinematograph." This statement has drawn a spirited protest from a number of our leading film manufacturers, who point out that the thing could not possibly have happened, as in all their dramas they have always made it a rule never to burn anything less expensive than a cathedral.
An advertisement from The Times: "Very stout gentleman, ineligible Army, requires permanent engagement to act for Cinema. Had some experience in comedy pictures; fatter than any other movey actor; weight 22 stone; exceptional opportunity for British producers, but willing go abroad." What about an exchange, on a weight basis, with America, who might send us Sir Herbert Tree and Charlie Chaplin?
At the Bow County Court a man who was questioned regarding his occupation said that he was a tinsmith, a carrier, a job-buyer, a milkman and a general dealer; that he was training about 120 carrier-pigeons for the Government and also did a bit of prize-fighting. There the matter seems to have ended, but one cannot help thinking that a really expert cross-examiner would not have let him go without finding out what he did in his spare time.
Reports from all the agricultural districts refer in glowing terms to the cheerful manner in which women workers on the farms are carrying on their duties. We are, however, informed that in one district a woman voluntary worker was heard to express the opinion that she would be more keen upon her part of the work if the ground were not so horribly far down.
The popularity of police passes is due to the fact that they can often be kept and used as a testimonial to character. Thus a well-known Irishman of county family, on applying for a pass to England, received the following: "Mr. —— is known to all the police of the county, and they consider him a fit man to leave Ireland."
Member of the Royal Flying Corps (first day out of hospital). "Speed up, man—speed up!"