CHARIVARIA.
"Hat-pins to match the colour of the eyes are to be very fashionable this year," according to a Trade journal. This should be good news to those Tube-travellers who object to having green hat-pins stuck in their blue eyes.
Enterprise cannot be dead if it is really true that a well-known publisher has at last managed to persuade Mr. Winston Churchill to write a few words concerning the Labour Question.
"I have never been knocked down by a motor omnibus," says Mr. Justice Darling. The famous judge should not complain. He must take his turn like the rest of us.
"Never pull the doorbell too hard" is the advice of a writer on etiquette in a ladies' journal. When calling at a new wooden house the safest plan is not to pull the bell at all.
"American bacon opened stronger yesterday," says a market report. If it opened any stronger than the last lot we bought it must have "gone some."
Five golf balls were discovered inside a cow which was found dead last week on a Hertfordshire golf course. We understand that a certain member of the Club who lost half-a-dozen balls at Easter-time has demanded a recount.
"An Englishman's place is by his own fireside," declares a writer in the Sunday Press. This is the first intimation we have received that Spring-cleaning is over.
A serious quarrel between two prominent Sinn Feiners is reported. It appears that one accused the other of being "no murderer."
The Commercial Bribery and Tipping Review, a new American publication, offers a prize of four pounds for the best article on "Why I believe barbers should not be tipped." The barbers claim that what they receive is not a tip, but the Price of Silence.
According to an evening paper, crowds can be seen in London every day waiting to go into the pit. Oh, if only they were miners!
"It is the last whisky at night which always overcomes me," said a defendant at the Guildhall. "A good plan," says a correspondent, "is to finish with the last whisky but one."
The British Admiralty are offering two hundred and fifty war vessels for sale. This is just the chance for people who contemplate setting up in business as a new country.
"A good tailor," says a fashion writer, "can always give his customer a good fit if he tries." All he has to do, of course, is to send the bill in.
Mr. Allday, a resident in Lundy Island for twenty years, who has just arrived in London, states that he has never seen a tax-collector. There is some talk of starting a fund with the object of presenting him with one.
Dunmow workhouse is offered for sale. A great many people are anxious to buy it with the object of putting it aside for a rainy day.
A Houndsditch firm has just had a telephone installed which was ordered six years ago. This, however, is not a record. Quite a number of instruments have been fitted up in less time than this.
We understand that the thunderbolt which fell at Chester is not the one that the Premier intended to drop this month.
Signor Caproni, lecturing in New York, says that aeroplanes capable of carrying five hundred passengers will shortly be constructed. We can only say that anybody can have our seat.
Since The Daily Express tirade against the officials of the Zoo visitors are requested not to go too near the Fellows.
"The French army," says the Berliner Tageblatt, "will soon be all over." It does not say what; but if our late enemy continues the violation of the Peace Treaty the missing word should be "Germany."
Birds, says The Times, are nesting in the plane-trees of Printing House Square. Some of the fledglings, we are informed, are already learning to whistle the familiar Northcliffe air, "Lloyd George Must Go," quite distinctly.
The National Portrait Gallery, occupied by the War Office since 1914, has just been reopened. The rumour that a Brigadier-General who had eluded all attempts to evacuate him was still hanging about disguised as a portrait of Mrs. Siddons attracted a large attendance.
The Corporation of Waterford has refused to recognise "Summer" time. One gathers that it is still the winter of their discontent down there.
Sinn Feiners are now asking for the abolition of the Royal Irish Constabulary, and it is feared that, unless their request is granted, they may resort to violence.
"Though the material, Sir, is somewhat more expensive, the leather brace has the great advantage that it lasts for ever; and, moreover, when it wears out it makes an excellent razor-strop."
"Mrs. —— Requires useful Ladies' Maid, for Bath and country; only ex-soldier or sailor need apply."—Provincial Paper.
A job that will obviously need a man of proved courage.