THE MAKING OF A CRISIS.
[We are privileged to-day to publish an unwritten chapter from Mr. H. G. Wells’ History of the World. It is entitled “The Slime Age,” and has a topical interest since it outlines the methods of production of the Crisis, the only article of which the supply to-day exceeds the demand.]
Out of all this muddle and confusion and slipshod thinking there arose one man with a purpose, one man who fixed his eyes on a single inevitable goal and walked straight at it, not minding what or whom he trod upon on the way. His purpose was the mass-production of crises, and he created crises as rabbits create their young, nine at a time. In those fuddled incompetent days before the Great War the crisis was a little-known phenomenon. Here and there in the drab routine of peaceful corpulent years there flashed in the prosperous firmament the baleful light of a great anxiety. Agadir was one; Carson and his gun-runners was another. But they were few; they came like rare comets and were forgotten.
Then in the Great War a new habit was born in the minds of the people, the habit of crises. Even then at first they came decently, in ordered succession—Mons, Ypres, the Coalition, Gallipoli. But the people’s craving was insatiable; the people cried for more crises.
Then this man stood up and said to the people, “I will give you crises.”
And he did. Instead of a casual crisis here and there, to every year a crisis or two, he gave them a crisis every month, every week, every day, and still they were not satisfied. And so, at last, out of all the muddle and waste and pettifogging stupidity this man created crises as men create matches, by the gross. And this was how he created them:—
Extract from “The Slime,” April 3rd, a paragraph in the Foreign Intelligence:—
“Bobadig, April 1st.
“A party of French mules, passing to their quarters in the vilayet of Arimabug, were to-day attacked by an Australian sheep on the staff of the British Military Mission. It is feared that many of the mules were injured. Feeling runs high among the peasantry, incensed already by the failure of the British Government to provide mosquito-nets for the sacred goats.”
Extract from a leading article in “The Slime,” April 6th, on Land Tenure in Wales:—
“ ... Parliament to-day will be occupied with the preposterous Budget proposals, but we hope our legislators will find time to press the Prime Minister for an explanation of the outrageous incident at Bobadig reported in our columns last week. There is only too good reason to fear that the policy of alternate violence and inertia, against which we have so often protested, has at last inflamed the law-abiding animals of Bobadig ...”
From “The Slime” Special Correspondent:—
“Bobadig, April 8th.
“Since my last message (much mutilated by the Censor) events have moved rapidly. Two of the mules have died of their injuries in hospital; three others lie in a dangerous condition at Umwidi, four miles away, where they fled for refuge from the wanton onslaught of the Australian sheep. This sheep, it now transpires, was the personal attendant of General Riddlecombe, Head of the Military Mission, a circumstance which is not calculated to allay the local animosity which the incident has aroused. The situation will require all the tact that the British Government can command.”
Extract from the Special Crisis Column of “The Slime,” April 11th:—
“ANGLO-ARMENIAN RELATIONS.
GRAVE WARNING.
“In a telegram which we print in another column our Special Correspondent in Armenia confirms to-day the serious fears to which we gave expression in our issue of April 6th concerning the possibility of a crisis in Anglo-Armenian relations. The incident of the Bobadig mules is already bearing fruit, and we can no longer doubt that popular feeling in the vilayet of Arimabug has been dangerously inflamed by the obtuse procrastination of the British Government. These unfortunate mules....”
“Scratchipol, April 10th.
“Communications with Bobadig have broken down, but it is reported that a mule was buried there on Sunday in circumstances of great popular excitement. A large crowd followed the body to the cemetery and made a demonstration after the ceremony outside the house of the local veterinary surgeon, who is alleged to have treated the animal for mumps instead of sheep-shock, with fatal results.”
From “The Slime,” April 14th:—
“GRAVE CRISIS.
ARMENIAN ANGER.
THE MURDERED MULES.
“As we feared, a serious crisis has arisen in Anglo-Armenian relations. At Bobadig a third mule has perished and his interment was made the occasion of a great popular demonstration against the policy of Great Britain. In diplomatic circles no one is attempting to conceal that the situation is extremely grave. The Prime Minister has returned to Downing Street from Le Touquet. Shortly after his arrival the Armenian Minister drove up in a motor-cab and was closeted with the Premier for a full ten minutes. After lunch, Lord Wurzel arrived in his brougham. At tea-time the Minister of Mutton-Control dashed up in a 24 ’bus, followed rapidly by the Secretary of State for War on his scooter. Mr. Burble wore an anxious look....”
Extract from a leading article in “The Slime,” April 16th:—
“SPIT IT OUT.
“We trust it is not already too late to appeal to the Government to extricate the Empire from the perilous position in which their wilful stupidity has placed it. The news from Bobadig is exceedingly serious. Another of the affronted mules has perished in circumstances of the foulest indignity; it only remains for the other two to die for the triumph of British statesmanship to be complete. These wretched creatures are being slowly sacrificed for the foolish whim of a British Prime Minister. No doubt remains that they have been subjected to sheep-shock by the savage bites of the Australian animal. The Government, blinded by its own infatuate folly and deaf to the storms of popular indignation in this country, continues to treat them for mumps.... By this test the Government will be judged at the forthcoming election. They must realise that the time for trifling is past. If the resources of the British Empire are unable at this date to combat the menace of sheep-shock among the loyal mules of Bobadig, then indeed.... At least we are entitled to ask for an explanation of the presence of an infuriated sheep on the staff of a British General. The PRIME MINISTER....”
From “The Slime,” April 17th:—
“AT LAST.
The situation in Bobadig is easing rapidly. The Government has at last carried out the instructions of The Slime, and we understand that a Ministerial expert in sheep-shock has been sent to the assistance of the surviving mules. But while we may congratulate ourselves on the lifting of the clouds in that direction matters in West Ham give ground for the gravest anxiety. The wood-lice of West Ham are proverbially of an irritable nature, and the attitude of the Government has been calculated for some time to inflame....”
From “The Slime,” April 19th:—
“BOBADIG CRISIS OVER.
Premier Yields.
We are glad to report....”
From “The Slime,” April 20th:—
“WEST HAM CRISIS BEGINS.
Wood Lice in Revolt.
Grave Warning.
Once again we must warn the Government....”
And so on.
A. P. H.
TRUE POLITENESS.
Party in Check Cap. “Will You Have My Place, Sir?”
“Three swift fierce rounds between Beckett and Wells and the 18,000 spectators at Olympia last night witnessed the close of yet another great ring drama.”—Daily Chronicle.
“Beckett ... bowed more by instinct than of set purpose to the shouting, over-wrought people who from the floor of Olympia shot up to the ceiling.”—Daily Telegraph.
We had no idea until we read these paragraphs that the spectators took such an active part in the proceedings.
House-hunter (after another fruitless day). “What about taking this? We could at least hang our pictures.”