THE MINERS' OPERA.
About a week ago, when they took Titterby away to the large red-brick establishment which he now adorns, certain papers which were left lying in his study passed into my hands, for I was almost his only friend. It had long been Titterby's belief that a great future lay before the librettist who should produce topical light operas on the Gilbert and Sullivan model, dealing with our present-day economic crises. The thing became an idée fixe, as the French say, or, as we lamely put it in English, a fixed idea. There can be no doubt that he was engaged in the terrible task of fitting the current coal dispute to fantastic verse when a brain-cell unhappily buckled, and he was found destroying the works of his grand piano with a coal-scoop.
Most of the MS. in my possession is blurred and undecipherable, full of erasures, random stage-directions and marginal notes, amongst which occasional passages such as the following "emerge" (as Mr. Smillie would say):—
"Secretary. The fellow is standing his ground,
He's as stubborn and stiff as a war-mule.
Minister. A
Means will be found
If we look all around
To arrive at a suitable formula.
Chorus. Yes, you've got to arrive at a formula."
Difficult though my task may be I feel it the duty of friendship to attempt to give the public some faint outline of this fascinating and curious work. Scenarios, dramatis personæ and choruses had evidently caused the author inordinate trouble, for at the top of one sheet I find:—
"ACT I.
Interior of a coal-mine. Groups of colliers with lanterns and picks (? tongs). Enter Chorus of female consumers."
Then follows this note:—
"Mem. Can one dance in coal-mine? Look up coal in 'Ency. Brit.' Also cellar flap;"
and later on, at the end of a passage which evidently described the dresses of the principal female characters introduced, we have the words:—
"Britannia. ? jumper, bobbed hair.
Anarchy. ? red tights."
Nothing in this Act survives in a legible form, but in Act II. we are slightly more fortunate:—
"Scene.—Downing Street (it begins). Enter mixed Chorus of private secretaries, female shorthand writers and representatives of the Press, followed by Sir Robert Horne, Mr. Robert Williams and Mr. Smillie."
What happens after this I can only roughly surmise, but most probably Mr. Smillie proves false to Britannia and flirts for some time with Anarchy, egged on by Mr. Williams and urged by Sir Robert Horne to return to his earlier flame. At any rate, after a little, the handwriting grows clearer, and I read:—
"Mr. Smillie (striking the pavement with his pick).
We mean to strike.
Chorus. "He means to strike, he means to strike,
Rash man! Did ever you hear the like
Of what he has just asserted?
Living is dear enough now, on my soul,
What will it be when we can't get coal?
Prime Minister (entering suddenly).
This strike must be averted."
There seems to have been some doubt as to how the Prime Minister's entrance should be effected, for at this point we get the marginal note: "? From door of No. 10. ? On wings. ? Trap door. ? Riding St. Bernard Dog."
But the difficulty was evidently settled, and the Chorus begins again:—
"Oh, here is the wizard from Wales,
The wonderful wizard from Wales,
The British Prime Minister,
Mr. Williams. Subtle and sinister.
Chorus. Oh, no! That is only your fancy.
Disputes he can manage and check;
All parties respond to his beck.
Mr. Williams. He talks through the back of his neck!
Chorus. When he talks through the back of his neck
We call it his neck-romancy."
Of the arguments used by Mr. Lloyd George after this spirited encouragement no record remains but the following passage:—
"My dear Mr. Smillie,
We value you highly
Howe'er so ferociously raven you.
We must find a way out,
And we shall do, no doubt,
If we only explore every avenue.
Chorus. Yes, please, do explore every avenue.
[Exeunt Mr. Lloyd George and Mr. Smillie arm-in-arm, R. (? followed by St. Bernard) and return C. Exeunt L. and return C. again, and so on.
Chorus. Oh, have you explored every avenue?"
Apparently they have, for later on we get—
"Prime Minister. Then why should you want to strike
When the Government saves your faces?
You can get more pay when you like
On the larger output basis."
And the Chorus of course chimes in:—
"They can get more pay when they like
On the larger output basis."
And there is a note at the side: "Chorus to wave arms upwards and outwards, indicating increased production of coal."
It seems to have been at some time after this, and probably in Act III., that Titterby went, if I may put it so vulgarly, off the hooks. I think he must have got on to the conference between the mineowners and the representatives of the miners, and struggled until the gas became too thick for him. At any rate, after several unreadable pages, the following unhappy fragment stands out clear:—
"Mr. Smillie still stands irresolute, running his fingers through his hair.
Chorus of Mineowners (pointing at him).
Ruffled hair requires, I ween,
Something in the brilliantine
Or else in the pomatum line.
How shall we devise a balm
Mr. Smillie's locks to calm?
Hullo! here comes the Datum-Line!
Enter Datum-Line. (? can Datum-Line be personified? ? comic. ? check trousers. ? red whiskers.)"
Nothing more has been written, and it must have been at this point, I suppose, that Titterby got up and assaulted his piano. It all seems very sad.
Evoe.
