THE SUBSTITUTE.
[Sweets are replacing alcohol.—Vide Papers passim.]
As more and more the god of wine
Grows faint from want of tippling,
Nor round his path the roses shine,
Nor purple streams are rippling;
As usquebaugh and malt and hops
No longer much entice us,
We crown anew with lollipops,
With peppermints, with acid drops,
The nobler Dionysus.
Bright coloured as his orient car,
Piled high with autumn splendours,
The pageants of the sweetstuffs are
At all the pastry-vendors;
From earliest flush of dawn till eight
The Mænad nymphs in masses,
With lions' help upbear the freight
Of marzipan and chocolate
And stickjaw and molasses.
The poet from whose lips of flame
Wine drew the songs, the full sighs,
Performs the business just the same
When masticating bull's-eyes;
The knight who bids a fond "Farewell,
Love's large, but honour's larger!"
Shares with the Lady Amabel
One last delicious caramel
And leaps upon his charger.
The rake inured to card-room traps,
Yet making fearful faces
Because his foes, perfidious chaps,
Have always all the aces—
"Ruined! the old place mortgaged! faugh!"
(The guttering candles quiver)—
Instead of draining brandy raw
Clenches a jujube in his jaw
And strolls towards the river.
O happier time that soothes the brain
And rids us of our glum fits
(Eliminating dry champagne)
With candy and with comfits!
The oak reflects the firelight's beam,
In song the moments fly by,
Till the old squire, his face agleam,
Sucking the last assorted cream,
Toddles away to bye-bye.
Evoe.
From a P.S.A. notice:—
"Subject: 'A Renewed World—No Sorrow. No Pain. No Death.' No Collection."
—Local Paper.
The last item sounds almost too good to be true.
"The proposed changes were discussed with the captain of the England side and one or two prominent crickets who had visited Australia."
—Expensive Daily Paper.
Hitherto it had been supposed that these cheerful little creatures only sought the kind of "ashes" that you get on the domestic hearth.
"We ain't a bit afraid, Alfy 'Iggins. Yer own fice is a lump uglier."