THE TOWN MOUSE'S TRIALS.
[Dr. Milner Fothergill has published a pamphlet on The Effects of Town Life upon the Human Body.]
O Doctor Milner Fothergill, it's hard to hear you state,
That people who must dwell in towns will all deteriorate;
We all live at too fast a rate, and ought to be more placid,
And, like the Ichthyosaurus, we develop too much acid.
Moreover the good Doctor, too, this sad assertion makes,
The dweller in the country can enjoy his Banbury Cakes;
But here in town he warns each man his constitution's undone
By flour and fat, and so adieu to pleasant cakes in London.
We're getting smaller, too, in size: our Mentor bids us go
And pit ourselves 'gainst effigies we see when chez Tussaud;
And then he ventures on what seems a terrible assertion—
He says we've ta'en a lower form, and calls it "retroversion."
Our nervous system's too much forced, like early hot-house peas—
Our children are inferior to bumpkins, if you please;
In fact this pamphlet quite enough to give a man a fright is,
With all its nasty prophecies of childish meningitis.
Town life is most unnatural; but, hang it, Doctor, you
Know somebody must live in town, and so what shall we do?
Why, just forget your catalogue of city-bred diseases,
And let each fellow eat and drink exactly what he pleases!
Mr. Champion (not one of the Seven of Christendom) writing to the Times in defence of the Socialists—and writing very effectively too—said, "Of Oldland, who has been committed for trial, I know nothing, except that he is a total abstainer." Is he? Then why didn't he abstain from attending a disorderly meeting in Trafalgar Square?
Moral Government Required.—We are always reading of Vice-Presidents everywhere. Are there no Virtue-Presidents?