THE WOES OF THE WATER CONSUMER.
Dear Mr. Punch,—What Greek philosopher was it who held that Water was the beginning and essence of all things? Our modern Sanitarians appear to agree with him. At any rate, if they do not look upon water as the great essence, they declare it to be the prime essential, and present fearsome pictures of the results of any deficiency in its plentifulness and purity.
But, Sir, between the Landlord who won't put it on, and the Water Company who will cut it off, what is a poor Tenant to do? In one day I read, first, that Mr. William Christie is summoned by the Sanitary Inspector of St. Saviour's, Southwark, for obstinately refusing to provide a suitable water-supply to twelve houses in Park Street, Southwark; secondly, that the East London Waterworks Company is summoned by a Mr. Ernest Bransemer for cutting off the water at his house in Boundary Passage, Shoreditch, without lawful excuse. Looks encouraging, doesn't it? True, Mr. Kebbell, the Company's Solicitor, assured Mr. Hannay that the Company was really in the right, and that the man had suffered from the fault of his Landlord. Perhaps so, in this case. Anyhow it seems to be admitted that the man suffered, and suffered unjustly. In this case, too, the Company (said its Solicitor) had been "very good," had paid the man and settled the matter. Mr. Hannay is reported to have said, "Really!" which seems almost to imply a mild surprise. Surprised at the "goodness" of a Water Company!!! Well, it is a painful fact that the prevailing faith in the proprietors of Waterworks is much of the complexion of Sam Weller's in the "Waterworks" of the Mulberry One. Only that the Companies, as a rule, are not quite so ready to "turn it on at the main," as was the lachrymose and deceptive Job Trotter.
"The Company do not fear the Magistrate's decision," said Mr. Kebbell, loftily. "It is the trial by newspapers which follows, which is so objectionable." Doubtless: from the Company's point of view. Whether the Consumer shares that opinion may be questioned, perhaps.
Anyhow, Mr. Punch, my own confidence in the "native worth" of Water Companies and Landlords, being a plant of slow growth, which, indeed, has hardly yet appeared above ground, I should like to call attention to the dilemma which the "tub"-loving, fever-fearing Tenant is liable to fall into between the two. If this savours of that obnoxious practice, "trial by newspapers," I am sorry; but really, Sir, the Tenant has his "trials," of another sort, which are very "objectionable" indeed, and which, I fear, without the publicity afforded by the Press, neither the justice of Landlords, nor the "goodness" of Water Companies could be implicitly trusted to relieve him from. At least, such is the experience of
Yours truly,Aquarius.
KEPT IN;
OR, THE LEAGUER BELEAGUERED.
A Right-thinking Radical requests information.
Hast thou seen that lordly castle,
The home of Mr. Pyne;
How round its patriot portals
The Peelers prowl and whine?
I suppose those brutal butchers,
Without the slightest fail,
Would stretch the M.P. on the rack,
And afterwards impale?
An Unfeeling Unionist answers him—
Well do I know that castle,
The home of Mr. Pyne;
But of the Peelers with their rack
There's not a single sign.
The Right-thinking Radical expresses surprise at the intelligence—
Indeed! But at some high casement
Surely you saw him stand,
Or out from a towering rampart
Waving a mailèd hand?
The Unfeeling Unionist rejoins—
I did see him at the casement,
And he wore no armour at all,
But the Postman helps him haul the mail
Over his castle wall!
The Right-thinking Radical proceeds with his questionings—
And sawest thou on the turret
How he paced to and fro,
All glorious in gold and purple,
Like a Knight of long ago?
The Unfeeling Unionist replies—
He had a modern frock-coat on,
Which wasn't much of a fit;
And I think a Knight would have stopped to fight,
And not run away from a writ.
The Right-thinking Radical plies him once again—
But do they not thirst, those Peelers,
To tear him limb from limb;
And level his antique castle,
If once they could get at him?
The Unfeeling Unionist ends the colloquy—
That would not result from his capture;
You seem to have been misled!
It would merely entail a month in gaol,
Or perhaps, like O'Brien, in bed.
In the Standard's report of Mr. Labouchere's after-dinner speech to the members of the Eleusis Club, the warier of the two Northampton Members observed, "that we lived in critical times, when it was absolutely necessary that Radicals should hang together." Mr. Labouchere speaks trippingly, but he is not often to be caught tripping. The Conservative Standard missed an opportunity.
Latest Addition to Fairy Land.—Mr. Irish Secretary Balfour must be all over the country at once. For this he requires Seven (Land)-League boots.
The Real "Empire of the Hittites."—The prevailing passion for pugilists.
A sporting tandem-driving Doctor of our acquaintance calls his leader the Hoss frontis.
