A PROGRESSIVE PROGRAMME.
October 25.—Lecture by amiable Police Magistrate to six hulking rowdies, who have been assaulting the Police, on the duty of “bearing distress patiently.” Tells them “not to do it again,” and dismisses them with aid from the Poor Box and his blessing. Surprise of rowdies.
October 26.—Unemployed employ themselves in sacking portion of Bond Street, during temporary withdrawal of Police for a little rest.
October 27.—Sitting Alderman at Mansion House gives a Socialist Deputation some sympathetic and fatherly advice, and recommends them to “study laws of supply and demand.” Invites them to Lord Mayor’s Banquet. Deputation accepts invitation readily, and, on emerging into street, is chivied down Cheapside by infuriated mob of other Socialists, who have not received invitations.
October 28.—New Leaders of Mob (vice Deputation, resigned) denounce sympathetic Alderman as a “bloated exploiter.” Nelson Monument pulled down. Ten leading tradesmen, in neighbourhood of Trafalgar Square, unable to do any business, owing to streets being blocked with rioters, go into bankruptcy.
October 29.—Gathering of “Unemployed” in Westminster Abbey. Unemployed complain bitterly because chairs have no cushions. The Dean, conducted to pulpit under strong police escort, preaches very conciliatory sermon on duty of Upper Classes, all, except Deans, to give most of what they possess to poor; advises poor to wait patiently till they get it. Retires under heavy shower of hymn-books. Unemployed “remain to prey.”
October 30.—Westminster Abbey sacked, in consequence of Dean’s conciliatory sermon. The Canons go off.
November 1.—Mansion House Relief Fund started. Fifty thousand pounds subscribed the first day by leading philanthropists who have had all their windows broken. Trade paralysed, and numbers of Unemployed consequently increasing. Speech by celebrated Statesman, contrasting disorder and lawlessness in Ireland with universal contentment and order existing in England.
November 2.—Mob helps itself to chief pictures in National Gallery, on ground that they “belong to the people.” Raffle organised for the Raffaelles. Fifteen policemen have their ribs broken.
November 3.—Whole Police Force disabled by angry mob armed with bludgeons and revolvers. Sympathetic Alderman at Mansion House ventures to ask Government if “matters are not really going a little too far,” and is ducked in Thames. All the West-End shops in-wested by looters.
November 4.—Prime Minister declares that “much as he regrets the depression of trade and want of employment, yet he thinks that on the whole, recent proceedings have not been quite creditable to Capital City of Empire.” Military called out, and streets cleared in no time. Ringleaders of mob arrested, and given a year’s imprisonment with hard labour. Trafalgar Square railed round and planted with prickly cactus. Business resumed and confidence restored. Government begins to think of a Bill to deal with real London grievances—such as rack-rents, slum-dwellings, and foreign pauper labour. [And high time too!
A Cloud of Yachts.—The account of the British owner published last week, confirms the notion that the much-talked-of superiority of the Thistle over the Volunteer was mere vapouring. This is not surprising. All that could be appropriately expected from such a weed was smoke!