MR. PUNCH'S DICTIONARY OF PHRASES.
Journalistic.
"At the Duchess of Drinkwater's fashionable reunion, held last night, I noticed among the first-comers, &c.;" i.e., I got all my information, when it was over, as well as I could, from an inebriated linkman.
"What is this we hear about a certain——?" We're not certain of our authority, but can't miss the opportunity of being first in the field with the rumour of a scandal, so we put it into an interrogatory form, which can't do any harm to us.
"The greatest excitement prevails;" i.e., Two men who were not present on the occasion discuss it under a lamp-post and the influence of liquor.
Social.
"You must come and dine with me one night;" i.e., "It sounds hearty, but as a fixture I'll relegate it to the Greek Kalends."
"How well you are looking!" (to a Gentleman); i.e., "You are getting awfully stout, and must drink more than is good for you." Ditto, ditto (to a Lady); i.e., "Your figure and complexion are entirely gone."
Auctioneering.
"Old Historic House;" i.e., Dormer windows, dark rooms, and the dry rot.
"High-class Furniture;" Another term for mahogany.
"Superior Ditto;" An adjective reserved for walnut.
"Solid Ditto;" When there is no other epithet possible.
"Elegant Modern Ditto;" In the gimcrack pseudo-æsthetic style.
"Handsome Ditto;" i.e., Consoles, any amount of mirrors, gilding, crimson silk, ormolu—all a little "off colour."
Of a Friend's New Horse.
"Ah! Well put together;" i.e., "He's screwed all round."
Platformulars.
"We have no personal quarrel with our opponents;" i.e., "They said some dreadfully rude things about me last night. Hope one of the local speakers will give them a trouncing afterwards, I'm expected to be polite."
"I congratulate you upon the growth of your Association, and the excellent political work it is doing in this district;" i.e., "Know nothing about it, except what the pasty-faced Secretary has just crammed me with, but must butter them a bit."
"Your admirable Member, whose voice we hear only too seldom in the House;" i.e., "A silent 'stick' whose silence is his only merit."
"No words of mine are necessary to commend this vote of thanks to your good will. You all know your Chairman;" i.e., How long will that stammering idiot be allowed to preside at these meetings?
Parliamentary.
"Of course I withdraw;" i.e., "Of course I don't."
"Of course, Sir, I bow to your ruling;" i.e., "I'm sure you're wrong."
"Of course I accept the Honourable Gentleman's explanation;" i.e., "Can't tell him he's a liar!"
"When I entered the House to-night it was with no thought of being called upon to address you;" i.e., "I should have been mad if I'd missed the chance of letting off my long-stored rhetorical fireworks!"
At a Dance.
"May I have the pleasure?" i.e., "Wish to goodness she'd refuse, but no such luck!"
"Delighted!" i.e., "I'd as soon dance with a tipsy Mammoth."
"Awfully sorry, but I haven't one dance left;" i.e., "I've three, but if I'd thirty, he shouldn't have one, the lemon-headed little cad!"
"I think I see Mamma looking for me;" i.e., "Must get rid of the bore somehow."
A Little Music.
"Oh, will you play us that sweet little thing of yours in five flats?" i.e., "It isn't sweet, but it is short, which is something—with him!"
"Won't you give us just one song, Mr. Howler? I won't ask you for more;" i.e., "Wouldn't for that, if I could help it."