EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, April 14.—Boys came back after Easter Monday; Head Master punctually in his place.
"Yes, dear Toby," he said, as I respectfully shook his hand. "I am nothing if not a man of business. Done my duty to the country round Henley; now come up to do my duty in town at Westminster."
Not all the boys here. Some, including Oldest Boy, extending their holiday. Prince Arthur not turned up yet, nor Grandolph, nor Chamberlain. Wide empty space on Front Opposition Bench where Harcourt wont to sit. A dozen Members on Ministerial Benches; a score on Opposite side; others in ambush, especially on Ministerial side.
"Akers-Douglas, like Roderick Dhu, need only blow his horn and the glen is filled with armed men," said Colonel Malcolm, who knows his Walter Scott by heart. The Douglas being a man of modern ideas, doesn't blow his horn: would be unparliamentary; might lead to his being named and relegated to the Clock Tower. Effect brought about when bell rings for Division; then Members troop in in fifties. "What's the Question?" they ask each other, as they stand at Bar. Nobody quite sure. Some say it's wages of Envoy Extraordinary at Buenos Ayres; others affirm it's salary of Chaplain of Embassy in Vienna. A third believes it's something to do with the Nyassa region; a fourth is sure it's Turks in Armenia; whilst Member who has heard portion of one of several speeches delivered by Sage of Queen Anne's Gate, says it's Motion made to provide a Chaplain for Drummond Wolff, whose forlorn condition, planted out amid Mahommedans in Teheran, Sage has been lamenting. Few quite sure of actual question; fewer still heard it debated. But no time to lose. House cleared for Division. Must go in one Lobby or other; so Ministerialists follow each other like sheep; Opposition flock into other Lobby. Amendment (whatever it is) negatived by 134 Votes against 69.
In conversation about Vienna Chaplaincy Winterbotham comes to front. "Why," he asks, "should we support an English church in Vienna more than in other Continental towns, where the residents provide the funds? Not many months ago I was in the church at Vienna; called upon to hand the plate round, and there were only a few shillings to hand over to expectant parson."
"Very good story," said Wilfrid Lawson; "but if I was Winterbotham, wouldn't tell it again. What became of the money?"
Business done.—Diplomatic and Consular Vote obtained.
Tuesday.—Old Morality proposes forthwith to take morning sittings on Tuesdays and Fridays. Private Members in state of burning indignation. Scarcely anything left to them but Tuesdays. On Fridays Government business takes precedence. Notices of Amendment may be moved on going into Committee of Supply; but so hampered that hardly any use as outlet for legislative energies of private Members. On Tuesdays have it all to themselves. May move Amendments, take Divisions, and generally enjoy themselves. Now Old Morality comes along "Like the blind Fury, with abhorrëd shears," says Cozens-Hardy, dropping into bad language, "and cuts us off our Toosday."
Comes the blind Fury."
Nothing in the world less like a blind Fury than our dear Leader, as he sits on Treasury Bench bearing brunt of protest from every side. Very sorry; desirous of meeting convenience of Hon. Members in whatever part of House they sit. But duty has first call. Duty to Queen and country demands partial sacrifice of Tuesdays.
Motion carried, and this the last Tuesday Private Members will enjoy. Must make the most of it. Compton on first, with Motion setting forth grievances of Postal Telegraph Clerks. Excellent Debate, and Division over by eight o'clock. Still four hours' work. Mark Stewart has next place. Stewart has Marked necessity for Reform of Constitution in proceedings of Fiars Courts in Scotland. Thinks functions of Fiars' Juries should be extended. Rare opportunity for House of Commons to master this question. True, it is dinner-time; but what is dinner compared with the national interest smouldering under these Fiars? Besides, it's our last Tuesday.
"We must make the most of this," says Albert Rollit to Richard Temple. "Yes," says Richard Temple, with effusion. "Glad you're staying on. Wouldn't do to be Counted Out to-night."
Rollit, thinking he's got Temple all right, walks off by front hall door; Temple, certain that Rollit will stay, executes strategic retreat by corridor, leading past dining-room to central hall. Same thing going on in a hundred other cases, "Must see this through," One says to the Other. "By all means," the Other says to One. Then One and the Other saunter out of the Lobby, quicken their steps when they get into outer passage, and speed out of Palace Yard as quick as Hansom would fly.
Mark Stewart still puffing away at the Fiars; House gradually emptying, till no one left but the Lord Advocate and George Campbell. Presently Campbell strides forth. Somebody moves that Lord Advocate be Counted. Speaker finds he's not forty. ("I'm really forty-five, you know," Lord Advocate pleads.) No Quorum. So at a quarter past eight House Counted Out. "Hard on you, Stewart," the Lord Advocate said, as the two walked through the deserted chamber. "Must have spent good deal of trouble on your speech. Subject so interesting, too; pity to lose it; advise you to have it printed in leaflet form, and distributed. So in your ashes would live your wonted Fiars, as was appropriately remarked by Burns." Stewart said he would think about it.
Business done.—Compton's Resolution declaring position of telegraphists unsatisfactory negatived by 142 votes against 103.
Thursday.—"Better have a nip of something short," said Jackson, friendly Bottle Holder, to Chancellor of the Exchequer, he too in Jokim's room finally revising notes for Budget Speech.
"No," said Jokim, shaking his head, and wistfully regarding the Port decanter; "it wouldn't do. Think of what I have to say in my speech about the drink traffic. It's drink that has created our Surplus. Can't help the Surplus, but must say a word in condemnation of drink. Would never do to have me enforcing my argument with sips out of a tumbler. Suppose, when I came to the question, 'Who drinks the rum?' Tanner were to point to the tumbler and shout across the House, 'You do.' Where would we be? Where would Her Majesty's Government be? No, Jackson, old fellow, you mean well, and a sip of Port, with or without an egg, in course of three hours' speech, is a comfort. But it mustn't be;" and Jokim turned resolutely away from decanter.
I hear a smile pass over the face of the Right Hon. Gentleman."
Jackson kind-hearted fellow; deeply touched at his chief's heroic self-denial. "You leave it to me," he whispered, as they left Jokim's room and strolled off to Treasury Bench.
Just before Jokim rose to commence Budget Speech Jackson came in carrying tumblerful of dark liquid; might be extract of walnut, printer's ink, anything equally innoxious. Jokim saw it, and recognised the '51 Port.
"Jackson," he whispered, tremulously, "you shouldn't do it; but since you will, leave the bottle on the chimbley-piece, and don't ask me to take none, but let me put my lips to it when I am so dispoged, and then I will do what I am engaged to do according to the best of my ability."
No chimbley-piece handy. So Jackson cunningly tucked away the tumbler in among the Blue Books and papers where it innocently rested till Jokim, well under way with speech, and feeling round for notes upset it; agonised glance as the ruby fluid ran over the unresponsive table on to the heedless floor. Heartless persons opposite tittered.
"I hear a smile pass over the face of the Right Hon. Gentleman," said Jokim, fixing glance somewhat venomously on Harcourt. House burst into roar of laughter. Jackson took advantage of diversion to mop up spilled Port with blotting-paper. Only Grand Cross in Peers' Gallery, sat stern and unresponsive.
"I call that pretty mean, Toby," he said, talking it over afterwards. "It was I who first saw the smile in House of Commons. My greatest oratorical success; and here comes Jokim, coolly appropriates it, and House laughs as if it were quite new!" Never saw Grand Cross so terribly angry. Jokim will have bad quarter of an hour when they meet. Business done.—Budget brought in.
Friday.—Bi-metallism the matter to-night. Sam Smith brings on attractive subject in one of those terse, polished, pregnant orations for which he is famous. Nevertheless, the few Members present yawn. Old Morality—"nothing if not man of business"—finds topic irresistible. Whilst subject caviare to the General (Goldsworthy and others), seems matter of life and death to a select half-dozen; these glare at each other across House, as if arguments advanced pro and con. affected their private character. Prince Arthur plunges in; declares in favour of Bi-metallism; Irish Members share common ignorance on subject; but this settles them; go out in body to vote for Mono-metallism; Sam Smith's Motion for Conference negatived by 183 votes against 87.
NOTICE.—Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
| Transcriber's Note: This book contains some dialect. Page 196: Both 'wingéd' and 'wingèd' were used in this book, and both have been retained: "What does that wingéd portent in mid-air," "Must watch his wingèd rival. Who may tell" |