ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
Extracted From the Diary of Toby, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, March 24.—Prince Arthur explained in speech nearly two hours long the bearings of Irish Land Purchase Bill. In course of his exposition the happy accident by which civilised man is furnished with two coat-tails was strikingly illustrated. On the Treasury Bench, behind Prince Arthur, sat, on either hand, Old Morality and Jokim. Supposing the Prince had had only one coat-tail, differences might have arisen between his two right hon. friends; sure at some period of the prolonged speech to come into personal contact if both pulling at same rope. But the liberal sartorial arrangements which Arthur shared in common with less distinguished Members provided a coat-tail apiece; so when idea or suggestion occurred to him, Old Morality tugged at the right-hand one, and when Jokim had a happy thought he hauled away on the left.
As both their minds were seething with ideas, Arthur had a lively time of it, and complications of Bill grew in entanglement. Just as he was assuming, for the sake of argument, that an advance of 30 millions had been made under the Act for the Purchase of Land in Ireland, and that seventeen years was about the average value under Lord Ashbourne's Act, there was a sudden tug of the right coat-tail; Prince leaned over in that direction; Old Morality whispered in his ear.
"Exactly!" said the Prince; "I was just going to show that the instalment of 4 per cent. on the advance of 30 millions is £1,200,000 a year. Very well; suppose that in one year, though the hypothesis is utterly impossible, that not one single sixpence of annuity is paid. How would that be?" (Here the left coat-tail was observed to be violently agitated, and Arthur leaning over, Jokim half-rising, eagerly explained something.)
"Precisely. My right hon. friend reminds me, what indeed I was just about to show, that there would be first the £200,000 reserve fund; secondly, there would be the £200,000 annual probate grant; thirdly, £40,000 of the new Exchequer contribution, and £75,000 of the quarter per cent, local per-centage, and there would be besides that £1,118,000 of tenants' reserve. So that without touching the £5,000,000, which was the landlords' fifth, and without touching a sixpence of the contingent portion of the guarantee fund, you would have £1,633,000 to meet the call of £1,200,000."
This prospect of boundless wealth, more especially the familiar way of putting it, making it quite a personal matter for each Member that he would have £1,633,000 to meet a call of £1,200,000, was designed to have soothing effect on audience; would, indeed, have succeeded in that direction but for the coat-tail accompaniment.
"Jokim," said Harcourt, "is too susceptible in his paternal feelings. We know now who is the father of the progeny. Arranged that Balfour shall bring it in for christening ceremony; shall dandle it in his arms, and dilate on its excellences; but everyone can tell from the excited manner, the eager interruption, the restless hovering round the cradle, that Jokim is the father."
Business done.—Land Purchase Bill brought in.
Tuesday.—Wilfrid Lawson sprang a mine to-night. House, as everyone knows, engaged for nearly fortnight in discussing question whether it should thank Judges for their services in connection with Parnell Commission. A desperate struggle finally resulted in decision to pass Vote of Thanks. Lawson wants to know whether Old Morality has conveyed the thanks to the Judges; and if so, what had they said in reply? Question put without notice. Rather startles Old Morality. Fact is, never occurred to him that anything had to be done in supplement of passing Vote of Thanks. There it was; Judges might, in passing, call in and take it home with them; or it might be forwarded, at owner's risk, by Parcel-Post or Pickford's. Very awkward thing thus springing these questions on a Minister. Couldn't even, right off, say where the Vote of Thanks was. Gazed hopelessly at mass of papers on Clerk's table. Might probably be there. Perhaps not. Vote passed some days ago; desk cleared every morning. Old Morality moved restlessly on bench; looked picture of despair. Best thing to do, not to take notice of question; pretend not to hear it; but House laughing and cheering; all eyes bent on him; no escape. So, rising, holding on to table, putting on most diplomatic manner, and speaking in solemn tones, Old Morality said, "Mr. Speaker, Sir, it is no part of my duty to the Queen and country to convey to anybody a Resolution of this House."
