EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, June 9.—Last time I saw Old Morality was in the lovely estuary of the Dart. He had just cut away from Parliament, called together his seamen bold, and steamed out Westward in the Pandora. When we on the Hiawatha woke up on Sunday morning, there was the Pandora lying alongside, with Old Morality in pea-jacket, straw hat, telescope under his arm, and sea-boots above his knees, though there was not a ripple on face of water that mirrored the old castle at the point, the church, the trees, and the green hills. Nevertheless, there he was, pacing the mizzen-deck, every now and then bringing his telescope to his weather eye, on the look out for Irish Members or Sage of Queen Anne's Gate lurking in underwood. We ran up at our foretopmost peak, all taut by a couple of bowlines, the signal, "England expects that W. H. Smith this day will do his duty." There was a soft gleam in Old Morality's starboard eye when he recognised the signal, and he brought the telescope to the salute.
"Very kind of you, Toby; very thoughtful of your Commodore. You know, nothing is nearer to my heart than the desire to do my duty—duty to my Queen and Country; at the same time, of course as far as is compatible with the supreme incentive, desiring to meet the convenience of Hon. Gentlemen in all parts of the House."
Haven't seen Old Morality since, till he turned up to-night, Been seedy, everybody sorry to hear; judiciously added a week to his regular holiday. When he entered House this afternoon, good rattling cheer went up, testifying to his popularity.
"Yes," said Wilfrid Lawson, dropping into poetry—
"Ex-First-Lord from over the sea!
Celt, Home-Ruler, whatever we be,
"We all like Old Morali-tee."
Irish Land Purchase Bill first Order of day, but John Dillon moves Adjournment, to discuss goings on of Police in Tipperary. Prince Arthur, amidst constant interruptions, makes angry reply. His speech introduces variation on old Constitutional principle.
The Chairman of P. and O. after Remark from Mr. O'Brien.
"The Police," he says in effect, "can do no wrong—at least, in Ireland."
Mr. G. joins in demands for Parliamentary inquiry. William O'Brien, almost hoarse with rage, fulminates against Prince Arthur and all his works. But though apparently seethed in passion, does not lose presence of mind.
"I know," he shouted, "every Dissentient Liberal in this House," (here his copy of the Orders, which he had fashioned in rough shape resembling police baton, and flourished in dangerous fashion, came down with enormous thud on crown of hat of Tom Sutherland, who happened to be sitting just beneath him) "—and that's one," O'Brien continued.
"Surely," I said to him afterwards, "you didn't mean to call attention to the Chairman of the P. and O. in that fashion?"
"Not a bit of it. I was going to say, 'I know every Dissentient Liberal in this House will support the Government in the Division Lobby;' but when in the middle of the sentence I found I'd come down on Sutherland's hat, I thought it would make less fuss if I turned the remark in the way I left it."
Ingenious this; but Sutherland says, he understands now why many of the Irish Members are accustomed to wear low-crowned hats during Parliamentary Debate. Comes a little expensive to sit about listening with a silk hat on.
Business done.—Land Purchase Bill in Committee.
Tuesday.—Grandolph's seat empty. Not been here since House resumed after Whitsun holidays. Looked for to-night. Has first place on Orders with Instruction on going into Committee on Compensation Bill. Speaker been going about with a besom brushing away Instructions. Only Grandolph's stands, a monument to his adroitness and ingenuity. Opposition looking forward to pleasant evening. If Grandolph makes rattling speech in support of his Instruction, it will make things disagreeable for the Ministry. Moment comes, but Grandolph lingers. Cousin Curzon gets up, announces that Grandolph has heard that Government intend to oppose the Instruction. That being so, he does not think it expedient, in interests of public business, to persevere with it. So will stay in Paris, look through the Luxembourg, loiter in the Louvre, lunch in the Eiffel Tower, and otherwise innocently wile the hours away.
"No," said Cousin Curzon, when I observed that this was not like the Grandolph of old times; "he is much altered; as meek as he was once aggressive. Shudders at the thought of causing a moment's inconvenience to a Government of which Georgie Hamilton is an ornament; quite surprised to learn that Government would oppose Amendment, the carrying of which would be equivalent to defeat of their measure. When he heard of it at once decided to drop his Instruction."
Business done.—In Committee on Compensation Bill.
Wednesday.—House sitting; Members talking; Bills advanced by stages; but thoughts of Members concentrated on secret Old Morality carries in his placid bosom. What proposals are Government going to make for arrangement of public business? Are they going to drop three Bills, or two, or one, or carry all three? If so, how is it to be done? by Autumn Session? by peremptory Closure? or by new device of carrying over measures into succeeding Session? Over a cup of five-o'clock, taken in his private room, I frankly put these questions to Old Morality. No use beating about the bush when you are with old friends.
"Toby," he says, as I light another cigarette, and settle myself to hear the disclosure, "recent morphological inquiry has a curious bearing on this point. Biologists have lately been busy discussing the meaning of a certain organ, to which, in the present stage of its development, it appears impossible to assign any utilitarian value. The case I allude to is the electric organ in the tail of the skate, on which Professor Cossar Ewart read a paper before the Royal Society. You will find a full report of it in Phil. Trans., Vol. LXXIX. Other aquatic animals which possess such organs use them to advantage as electric batteries against their foes. They feel impelled to do so, by what I may perhaps distantly allude to as a sense of duty to their Queen and Country. But the electric organ of the skate, though a most complicated mechanism, a structure as elaborate as any in the animal kingdom, appears to be of no benefit whatever to its possessor. This is a very curious thing. I can hardly sleep of nights thinking about it. Can you suggest any explanation? Excuse me, there's the division-bell. Perhaps you'll draw me up a little memorandum giving me your views on the subject."
Very curious indeed. I hadn't mentioned the skate; don't quite see how he slided into the subject. Shall take another opportunity of ascertaining Old Morality's views and intentions with respect to Government plan for arranging business.
Business done.—As to electric organ in the tail of the skate.
Thursday.—A pretty kettle-of-fish. Electric organ of skate seems to have touched up Government; confusion at Carlton to-day. The Markiss met his merry men; proposed that Bills not completed by Prorogation should be carried over to next Session and taken up at stage reached this year. Loud outcry in Conservative ranks; proposal denounced as revolutionary; wouldn't have it on any terms; meeting broke up without passing any resolution; Old Morality due at House at half-past three to give notice of Resolutions on Procedure.
"Where are they?" Mr. G. asks, beaming across the table.
"Resolutions?" says Old Morality; "bless you, Sir, I have none to move."
Grim silence on Ministerial Benches. Jubilation in Opposition camp. Old Morality plied with questions from all sides; forlornly shakes his head. Can't say anything now. Can't say when he will be able to say something. Perhaps on Monday; perhaps some other day. Baited for half an hour, and then mercifully allowed to escape.
"The tail seems, after all, to have been wagging the skate," I said, humorously; really sorry to find him so low-spirited. Didn't seem to see the point of joke, and usually so apt at badinage. A curious state of affairs; perhaps a memorable day.
Business done.—In Committee on Compensation Bill.
Friday.—"Lo! a strange thing has happened." (W. Black.) Yesterday Conservatives in open revolt; Ministry seemed tottering; Opposition jubilant. To-day things righted themselves; the rebels say it was only their fun; Dissentient Liberals throw arms round neck of Markiss; protest they would never desert him; Opposition depressed; Ministers elate.
"The head seems to have got the better of the complicated mechanism in the rear of the skate," I say to Old Morality, a little timidly, remembering failure of yesterday's flash of humour. Quick comes the beaming smile. "You're a funny dog, Toby," says Old Morality, looking ten years younger than yesterday.
Business done.—In Committee on Compensation Bill.