"AUXILIARY ASSISTANCE" IN THE PROVINCES.
(A Tragedy-Farce in several painful Scenes, with many unpleasant Situations.)
Locality—The Interior of Country Place taken for the Shooting Season. Preparations for a feast in all directions. It is Six o' Clock, and the household are eagerly waiting the appearance of Montagu Marmaduke, the Auxiliary Butler, sent in by Contract. Enter Montagu Marmaduke, in comic evening dress.
Master (looking at Montagu with an expression of disappointment on his face). What, are you the man they have sent me?
Montagu. Yessir. And I answers to Montagu Marmaduke, or some gentlemen prefers to call me by my real name Binks.
Master. Oh, Montagu will do. I hope you know your duties?
Mon. Which I was in service, Sir, with Sir Barnaby Jinks, for twenty-six years, and——
Master. Very well, I daresay you will do. I suppose you know about the wine?
Mon. Yessir. In course. I've been a teetotaler ever since I left Sir Barnaby's.
Master (retiring). And mind, do not murder the names of the guests.
[Exit.
[The time goes on, and Company arrive. Montagu ushers them upstairs, and announces them under various aliases. Sir Henry Eisterfodd is introduced as Sir 'Enery Easteregg, &c., &c. After small talk, the guests find their way to the dining-room.
Mon. (to Principal Guest). Do you take sherry, claret, or 'ock, my Lady?
Principal Guest (interrupted in a conversation). Claret, please.
[Montagu promptly pours the required liquid on to the table-cloth.
Master. I must apologise, but our Butler, who is on trial, is very short-sighted.
P. Guest. Evidently.
[The wine is brought round; Montagu interrupting the conversation with his hospitable suggestions, and pouring claret into champagne glasses, and champagne into sherries.
Nervous Guest (in an undertone to Montagu). Do you think you could get me, by-and-by, a piece of bread?
Mon. Bread, Sir, yessir! (In stentorian tones.) Here, Nisbet, bring this gent some bread!
[The unfortunate guest, who is overcome with confusion at having attracted so much attention, is waited upon by Nisbet.
Master (savagely). Can't you go about more quietly?
Mon. (hurt). Certainly, Sir. When I was with Sir Barnaby—— (Disappears murmuring to himself, and returns with entrée, which he lets fall on dress of Principal Guest). Beg pardon, my Lady, but it was my stud, which would come undone. Very sorry, indeed, Mum, but if you will allow me——
[Produces a soiled dinner-napkin with a flourish.
P. Guest (in much alarm). No thanks!
[General commiseration, and, a little later, disappearance of ladies. After this, Montagu does not reappear except to call obtrusively for carriages, and tout for tips.
P. Guest (on bidding her host good-night). I can assure you my gown was not injured in the least. I am quite sure it was only an accident.
Master (bowing). You are most kind. (With great severity.) As a matter of fact, the man only came to us this afternoon, but, after what has happened, he shall not remain in my service another hour! I shall dismiss him to-night!
[Exit Principal Guest. Master pays Montagu the agreed fee for his services for the evening. Curtain.